My life living with DID

I am not an expert nor am I a professional I am just a person that is living with Dissociative Identity Disorder, I wanted to share my experiences somewhere that I could get honest feedback, I have subscribed to many different blogs on DID, but it seems like they have not posted anything new in quite awhile, that saying while I know myself I can understand the problems that they might be experiencing. I wanted to share with all of you some of the things that have been happening to me over the last couple of weeks starting here with an email I sent to Holly Gray of Don’t Call me Sybil ( ) this will address my hearing with the ALJ and SSI hearing that I recently attended.

This is totally off the subject I was reading in your blog but I wanted to share this with someone, someone whom I think will understand and appreciate the complexity and not so gentle humor of the issue.

First some background. I am 42 years old and have been diagnosed with the following limitations, DID, complex PTSD, manic depression and anxiety. I have had multiple unsuccessful suicide attempts and have been hospitalized 4 different times in 1 year for them. So now I will get to the meat and potatoes of what I am posting about.

Several years ago I filed for SSI Disability and was turned down on my first 2 attempts, no biggie i figured this was going to happen, after my first turn down I hired a lawyer and he submitted the appeal and then filed the appeal for the ALJ hearing. Today I had that hearing.
I met my lawyer outside of the room where the hearing was to be held, he told me that we had already won the case because he had spoken with the judge before I had even gotten there, Well then what the hell was I doing here then. We were here for me to go on record. We went in before the judge and we took our seats, we were sworn in and the hearing started. The judge went through the list of my limitations, and asked me if these were the problems that I was having at the current time, I replied that yes they were. Here is where the interesting part comes in, He sat there the whole time and asked me nothing but questions regarding my anxiety and only one time did he mention my depression and he did ask about my subsequent hospital stays. Never once did he ask me about my DID diagnosis not one time did he even mention this, and not one time did he bring up my complex PTSD, now this was very strange to me because these were or are my main diagnosis, it seemed to me to be very strange that the judge never brought this up the entire hearing, I even commented during several questions that this was part of my problem, you know thinking that he might take the bait and ask me about how these things affect my daily life, how it takes time from me and how this effected me or how I feel like there are other people in my head trying right now to talk all at once. He never even asked me about how I cope with the things that daily life throws at me. The whole damn time he asked nothing but questions about my anxiety levels. I then finally told him that at this point right now in the hearing that my anxiety was in overdrive and that I needed a moment to gather myself, he allowed us a brief break as at this point. I was shaking, mad, hurt and in the middle of what turned out to be a horrific attack. As I was leaving the room my lawyer followed me out into the hall, I then took that time to explain what was happening to me and to ask the all important question, why the hell hasn’t he brought up my DID or even my PTSD. He replied that this judge considered my anxiety to be the most important factor in my case, I then replied that the anxiety stems from my DID and my PTSD, I mean for fucks sake where did he think it came from rainbows and ponies? At this point I was on the verge of losing control completely, waiting for the anger part in me to take over and wage holy hell upon this idiot judge and my apparently useless lawyer. Time for me to take a walk, I went and got a drink of water and stood at the water fountain for at least 10 mins just trying to get myself under control, needless to say that I never quite got myself under control. I then went back to the room where the hearing was taking place and I looked at my lawyer and beckoned him to come out the door, I then told him that I wasn’t going to be able to return to the hearing at this point, he said alright that we were almost done at this point anyways. He spoke to the judge and then told me to gather my things, I couldn’t even walk into the room, noticing this my lawyer then gathered my things and said he would see me in the lobby. Well I figured this was the end of my hearing that I wasn’t even going to be considered for SSI, well I was wrong my lawyer met me in the lobby and told me that we had won, that the judge looked favorable on my account and that even the vocational representative said that due to my overwhelming anxiety and stress factors that she could not recommend even a sedentary job for me for the foreseeable future.

So that is it my story of my hearing in a nutshell. I post this here as another example that the public and even the system doesn’t give our problems the respect and attention that it deserves. I don’t ever want to labeled as disabled I want to think of myself as, well challenged certainly but not disabled. Hell I don’t know what to call myself. Perhaps one of you can come up with a label for me. Thank you for reading this rant as I will call it.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, and for what you are doing not only for me but all the others of me as well.

Dan Kline
I want to apologize for the langauge in this post but that is just how I am.

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