This is what follows……..


Welcome to my blog, the following has happened to me over the last few days and once again I can find no where that is active for me to ask for help, advice or even for someone to make a derogatory comment. So I will put it here with the hopes of someone who has been through that will be able to relate. This is again to Holly Gray of Don’t Call me Sybil. I want to add that her blogs both Don’t Call me Sybil(http://dontcallmesybil.com/) and Dissociative Living(http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/dissociativeliving/) have been very educational and her writing is very eloquent and compassionate.

Holly.

I guess the reason that I am contacting you again is a little selfish, you see I have no one other than my wife to talk to and she is pretty sick right now, she has COPD and is on oxygen and I really don’t want to make things any harder for her, and Im just not getting any responses anywhere else, I don’t have a psych right now and I don’t have a therapist due to money / insurance issues, the one thing I do have is my brain and my ability to comprehend. But to be honest with you that is not why I am contacting you again, the reason that I am contacting you again is not a simple issue. You see I have people who have not been part of my life in a while calling and telling me that I either don’t need or don’t deserve disability, that I just need to get up off my ass and go back to work, or to suck it up and go on. You see my wonderful wife of 14 years was excited for us and posted on facebook that we had won our case. What she did was out of excitement for me because now I can get the help that I so desperately need with doctors and therapists and even medication if I am to need more of that. She also put out there a link to DCMS and told all the friends on her FB page to take a look at it and hopefully they would better understand what we have been going through for the last several years, I did ask her to delete that post because I didn’t want the whole world knowing what it was exactly that I have been diagnosed with, I knew that not everyone would be open to this and that it would create a problem for me in the professional world and in my personal life, this is not to say that I have hidden my diagnosis from those our friends that I do trust to look at this with a certain amount of consideration and balance(this may not be the word I am looking for to explain this but you get my drift), to them I have referenced several articles and have even given them your blog site for their consideration. Well anyway back to the main topic at hand, I can understand if they don’t understand me getting disability but don’t you think that they might be a little happy for me and my family, that we now have the resources to get the help that I will need, don’t you think that they would be happy that now we can finally get back on our feet as a family, eg. getting a place of our own and not living with my wife’s mother. Well it doesn’t seem that way to me, they are trying to goad me into a heated discussion over this and that is when the anger aspect of my personality comes out, you see it just loves to argue and will use everything in its arsenal to defend its position, including and not the least using physical harm to get its point across (damn I need ¬†chew). A little about that I am former military and my physical and martial abilities far exceed that of the normal average person. I am 6′-1″ tall and weigh in at 200lbs and by no means am I fat, since my discharge 2 years ago I have kept up with my physical training. Wait why I am I telling you about that?? Did you need to know that in order for me to get my point across, no I don’t think so. I am getting at the fact( finally) that I understand that not everyone will understand about my getting disability and I do understand that not everyone will get my diagnosis, but damn can’t they just leave me alone. I have even gone so far as to block their numbers in my cell phone and to delete them off not only my FB but my wife has done this also, now they are calling my best friend and harassing him about it, needless to say he told them to F-OFF and mind their own business. For some reason I cannot seem to be able to deal with this objectively, and needless to say my different aspects are in serious turmoil about this and I am having a hard time controlling the switch from different aspects, each one seems to want a say in this, and I am sure that each one has a valid issue to bring up, and as you can probably tell the anger aspect really is demanding to be let out and to reek heavenly and copious amounts of physical harm to these people just to make them understand, I know that this is not the way, that I am having a real hard time controlling this aspect of myself. I hope that you understand this emotional and crazy email, and I don’t really expect any reply it was just good to vent to someone about this and to get it off my chest. I really don’t care that they don’t understand, but when I ask you to leave me in peace, please do so and don’t continue to bring up the elephant in room, damn it I see it and I live with that same elephant everyday of my life.
P.S. As I reread this to myself I can see hints of where different aspects have come out to have a little say in what I am writing. Food for thought, right? And even now, though well-intentioned, another friend of mine is telling me that they are going to turn me in for not having a valid disability. I don’t have the need or the energy to explain to anyone about my diagnosed disability if they want to turn me in for not having a valid disability, well hell wont that just give them a big surprise, they think it is physical, lol what a bunch of asses.
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