Well today is another day

Today starts with me sleeping through my medications alarm again, don’t know what is up with that this is the third time in the last week that I have done that. Oddly I have two alarms set one on my phone and one on my kindle fire so you would think that I would hear one or both of them. I think that I am turning them off and then going back to sleep. Well whatever nothing I can so about it but speculate. So what do I want to talk about today?

I want to talk about the different aspects of my personality. I know that I have several different aspects of my personality but as we all know I do not have names for them and I don’t really want to name them or if they have names I don’t really want to know their names. I figure we can all live together and really not get to know one another to closely. Is this healthy, do I really need to know the names of my aspects? I don’t know and to be honest it really isn’t like they are telling me Hi my name is George or Sally or even that they have a name, I think they are respecting me in regards to how I feel about giving or knowing their names. I attribute them to what I am feeling or if I am feeling at all. they come out to deal with the situation at hand that I as a whole cannot seem to handle. I do have to say that the one who comes out the most is anger, I see, or feel him the most right now. He is righteous, indignant, stubborn and demanding of attention right now, I feel like I should just let him go unchecked just to see what will happen, but I also know this, what am I angry about? This is a big question right now, I will say it again what am I angry about? To be honest I don’t know.

There are several factors in my life that are causing significant stress, not having or being able to keep a job, and on that note the fact that I have given up on finding a job. This in turn creates other problems such as depression and anxiety. The fact that we are living with my mother in law, and do not have a place of our own, due to the fact that neither my wife or I have a job. To be honest my wife Gerri cannot work at this point she has CODP and is on oxygen therapy at this time, which to be honest causes a lot of stress on me. You see normally she is the provider in our family, the backbone if you will, she has always handled most of the issues of our life and me being me had been content to allow her to do that. Well right now she cannot be that backbone for our family so it is thrust upon me now to take that role, and I gotta tell you that I am unable to handle that challenge at this particular time, but I try to do my best with direction and support from my wife. I handle the grocery shopping and the bills though limited that they are I am the main caregiver to both her and my son Dylan, who by the by has been a god send during this period in our life. Now he is still a typical 12-year-old and wants to do the typical 12-year-old things like hang with his friends and go to the movies well if you have children you understand what I am saying. The thing that really depresses me is when I have to tell him no. When I have to tell him no he can’t go somewhere because we don’t have the money, or when I have to tell him no because I just can’t handle at that point in time to be able to interact with the outside world, now if you remember we do live with my mother in law and that helps a lot because sometimes when I just can’t handle the rest of the world she will try to take him where he wants like to his friends or perhaps she will give him the money to go to the movies or what ever, god bless her for this and I know I don’t tell her thank you enough for what she does for her / my family. My wife spends a lot of time sleeping due to low oxygen in her blood gases she is trying to build that back up in here system, and she is getting better I think, but it depresses me quite a lot that when I need to talk or to just hold her hand or to say I love you well she is asleep, I will still tell her that I love her regardless, but I sit and I watch and I sleep poorly during the night due to worry about her. I don’t know what I would do if anything ever happened to her, my whole world would collapse around me and I would probably never come out of that cocoon again, well that is what I feel anyway.

I know that I have other aspects to my personality besides anger and they do come out to help when they are needed, I know about fear, yes that is another one that is really strong and demands attention also, but to give into fear will shut me down completely. That usually ends up bringing the anger aspect kicking and screaming to the front though, I can’t just be afraid, to be afraid means to be vulnerable and to be vulnerable means to allow people to hurt me or to gain control of me which I will never allow to happen again in this life. I don’t want to be that scared little boy who knows it is better to be seen and not heard, or even better to be unseen and unheard because then he will not have to face the consequences or the actions of that man who hurt us years ago. Better to hide or even be places where he is not there to notice me, I learned at a very early age to be invisible and it is a skill that has developed down the years to an art form, I have learned to keep a small footprint in the world and even in a room full of adults I can not be seen or heard, only if I allow it. If I am at a party and I don’t want to be noticed then I am not, it seems as if they glance right over me and dismiss me completely, this has helped me a great deal in life. And to my regret this ability has even hurt me, especially as an adult, there are times when you need to be noticed especially in then professional world where it is expected, my old boss inherently knew this about me not because I told him but for some unknown reason he saw me, no matter what he saw me, he helped me to develop a set of coping skills that would allow me to put myself forward and to accomplish what I needed to be heard, but only at work. And with that set of coping skills I succeeded and excelled at my job, I could meet with clients, I was able to interact in work related social settings, I had confidence to talk to major players in our line of work. Some people see in you the things that you yourself just never see like ability. That may not be the right word to explain it but it is the only word that I could come up with off the top of my head.

I also have hurt, we all know where hurt comes from, it comes from with in, it comes from the fact that we were hurt, most early in our childhood and well into our teen years and sometimes even beyond that. I myself have huge chucks of memory and time gaps from my early childhood, well hell most of my childhood and even into my early twenties, where during that time I was self medicating. I know that was a very destructive point in my life I went around with a chip on my shoulder, no one was ever going to hurt me again and I was going to prove that to the whole world. I fought at the drop of even a hint of an assumed insult, at a look or even if someone glanced in my direction in what I perceived as a wrong way. I turned out to be an accomplished fighter allowing my anger to sweep through me like a thunderstorm unchecked. I am not going to say that I always won but I always gave as good as I got and not once even when I lost did the other come back and try the same again. I can also attribute some of this to fear, because in any fight the fear is there which in turn allowed my anger to take control. But after a time I mellowed, for it is not really in my nature to be a fighter, I was angry at the world and I wanted it to know it hadn’t brought me so low that it had won.

Well in my mid twenties when I had stopped self medicating and found someone who I could make a life with, who tried their best to understand the man who I had become I entered the military service, first being in the Navy where they not only taught me how to defend myself but taught me self-control and discipline, now this was an environment that I could understand, you knew where you stood, you knew where you were supposed to be at any given time, you knew that your actions whether good or bad would have merit or detriment on you. I spent some time in the Navy and then I went to the National Guard where I went through the blue to green process, this is where they take the traditional 13 week boot camp and condense it into 4 weeks, once again I learned how to fight not only with my hands but with various weapons, I was taught discipline again and direction, the only difference was that I only had to do 1 week-end a month and 2 weeks out of the year. Unfortunately during my whole time with the Guard I was never deployed, I was never given any reasons as to why this was and I could only assume that I wasnt good enough. This part is towards the end of my military career at this point I had been in the military for almost 8 years, during this time my depression had been driven into overtime and I had yet to be diagnosed with DID or my PTSD but I was and had been dealing with anxiety and depression. To be honest with the way I felt that the Guard had treated me was unjust, when my weekends would come by I just didn’t or couldn’t even force myself to go, so I didn’t. after several months of this I was transferred to another unit, still with the same results when my weekend came about, so a caring Lt. whom I didn’t even know looked through my record and noticed that I had once been quite active in the Guard, well he placed me in the inactive national guard, I was available for any unit to pick me up as needed but as long as they didn’t I didn’t have to show up for my weekends. At the time I didn’t know that he had done this and I figured that due to my problems that I was likely to be discharged from service with a dishonorable discharge, i didn’t even care about it enough to find out what my status was. In a lucid moment a friend of mine called me and told me that  another unit in Oregon needed soldiers to deploy with them to Iraq, it peaked my interest so I called my unit found I was in the IRR Inactive Ready Reserve, so I called the unit in  Oregon and they said hell ya that they needed a competent radio repairman / operator badly cause they didn’t have one, well hell this was for me. They gave me and Schmitty a date to be there in Oregon for deployment, I was thinking hell ya my first deployment, knowing in the back of my mind that I had been to depressed to even go to drill how was I going to handle  full years deployment in an active military region, bah I pushed this out of my mind I could do this, this is what I was trained for. Well long story short the KYARNG said in order for me to join the other unit I had to be discharged from my current unit. Well they were pissed off that Schmitty and I had traveled to Oregon to join another out-of-state unit going to Iraq, they were really pissed, pissed enough to screw me out of being able to deploy. They discharged me from my current unit and processed me out of the KYARNG, but in the process they fucked me they gave me a good re-enlistment code but in the verbage on the discharge papers they put unsatisfactory performance, this was due to me not showing up for drill for several months, at the time I was in the IRR and any unit from anywhere in the United States could have picked me up, but by discharging me from my unit and putting that verbage on the discharge papers caused me to not be able to rejoin any unit in the entire National Guard anywhere. So needless to say I didn’t deploy with the Oregon unit, I flew home to Kentucky and started with the rest of my life. Do I blame the KYARNG, some cause they could have worded my discharge differently and yes i did receive and honorable discharge but as long as the words on that discharge reads unsatisfactory performance I will never be able to rejoin the Guard, do I blame myself, hell yes I should have realized what was going on with me and found the help that I needed to enable me to lead a productive life and to able me to go to my weekends. It has to said that if I did deploy would my anxiety and depression have kept me from doing my duties as a soldier, more than likely, would I freeze up during a fire fight or cause one of my fellow soldiers to get hurt, well I don’t know, but it could have been a definite problem. After thinking of this for a few years and learning about my other problems, I can now say that I am glad I didn’t deploy, in the least I would have frozen up and not be able to leave my chew, in the worst I could have gotten myself or another soldier killed due to my inability to think clearly or even an inability to act. Do I know this as fact that I would have reacted this way, NO. But I should have been responsible for myself and not even tried to deploy, knowing the problems that I was having at the time I made the decision to deploy.

For my fellow soldiers I want to apologize, what seemed like a good thing at the time could have resulted in me or even one of you to become hurt or even killed, if I had gotten someone killed I would never be able to live with myself, same if I had gotten killed.

This started out as a blog about the different aspects of me and turned into something quite different as you have read, it is my hope that you continue to follow me through this phase of self discovery and odd posts.


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