Lets talk about BULLSHIT

There is one thing I know about and that is being a bullshitter, hell all of us living with DID know about this we all do it. Now the reason I say we all do this is because at most times we want to appear normal, and by appearing normal I mean we don’t want the world to know about our internal struggle, constantly fighting with our selves to keep in control the sometimes overwhelming forces that makes us different form the “normal” society. We have all bullshitted our way through conversations, parties, business meetings, chance encounters on the street and most of the time we bullshit ourselves right along with the rest of them. I have come to grips with the fact that I am a bullshitter, it was not easy because most of my life I spent in denial, not giving credence to my own self, not acknowledging that I have a problem, know most of that time I accomplished this thru self medicating, and to honest it did work for a while. But you see if when I was self medicating the problems were still there, I just didn’t care that they were there. Others may have seen it and I am pretty sure that they did, and even after I quit self medicating I still continued to bullshit my way through almost everything especially my first marriage, my first wife was a fixer you the type of person that has a need or even a compulsion to help others. I can remember the week before we got married she came to me and said that it was either her or the drugs, well that put me on the spot. It was the drugs that were helping me keep my shit together, but hey I thought I was in love so ultimately I choose her. Well here is the problem with that as I see it, you have to want to quit something like drugs for yourself, you cant quit them for someone else, it just doesn’t work that way. It forces you to deal with things when you are not ready to deal with them, and being who I am now and thinking back to that period of my life, that wasnt the best choice for me, and here is the reason why. It dumped all of my issues right in my lap, I was dealing with feelings, emotions and things that I wasnt mentally ready to deal with just yet, hence even when I was at my worst I bullshitted my way through. I went about life as if everything were fine, at the time I didn’t know it but I compartmentalized just about everything, work, marriage, my addiction, my depression and my anxiety and worst of all my anger. But oh boy I had a hard time controlling that and at times I didnt succeeded in doing that I would hold it all in and then something small would happen and I would blast the world with my righteous indignation, mostly I yelled at my wife and I punched holes in the walls and I destroyed things, including myself at times. But needless to say I sucked it all back in afterwards and once again I bullshitted my through the mess and I bullshitted my ex-wife into thinking that I was normal and that things could continue at a normal pace. Well this lasted for about 6 years me bullshitting my way through our marriage, I could see that my issues were haunting me. and that is when the anxiety hit like a bullet from the grassy knoll, it hit me so bad the first time I thought I was having a heart attack, I went to the ER and was admitted for chest pain, well they treated me like I was having a heart attack, now any of you out there that have ever had nitroglycerin cant attest to this when they gave me that little pill and stuck it under my tongue it felt like the top of my head was going to blow off. Well finally they figured out that I wasnt having a heart attack and told that I was having an anxiety attack, the relief was unbelievable. And that is when once again even right there in the hospital I started to work my magical bullshit, I was fine there was nothing wrong with me. But that sure as shit didn’t stop the anxiety attacks, I can remember them or what it felt like that I was having one every day, I started to miss work because of them, I started to with draw from my family because of them, for once I wasnt able to bullshit my way through this, now what was I going to do? Well needless to say I did muster the courage and surround myself once again with bullshit, telling everyone that I was ok, that there was nothing to worry about, once again we have all done this to a certain degree. At this point in my marriage is when it all started to collapse I found out that my ex-wife only truly wanted me for one thing that my entire marriage was based on this. Wait I wonder if at this point I should tell you how I met my ex-wife? No better not the way I am feeling today that would just be adding fuel to the fire. Ok back to what I was saying, I found out that the only reason that she married me was to create our wonderful baby son, talk about bullshitting someone, hell she did that the entire time we were married. It all finally ended in divorce, and for me it ended badly, I lost everything, my home, my brand new Infinity car, my wife, my son, hell she even destroyed all of my work suites, and I needed them to be able to go to work every day. One of the worst periods in my life. I thought about going back to self medicating but I was through with that part of my life and didn’t want to return to that dark place again.

So what did I do, well I pulled up the bootstraps on my bullshit factor and started to live life-like I hadn’t a care in the world, started dating, started going out drinking and carousing, but all the while betrayal sat deep in the back of my mind seething like a furnace that need just a spark to ignite it again. But I didn’t allow it, I tried to keep it buried as far back into me as I could, well several months into my new life I was dating a woman and we seemed to be getting along alright, she didn’t try to fix and I just kept up the bullshit factor. Until one day I came home to my friend’s house and there sat a woman who I had never met before, she was beautiful and funny and smart and all wrong for the person that I portrayed myself to be. But to no avail her first smile crept into my heart like an arrow piercing an apple in some side-show carnival, but wait I had a date tonight what was I thinking? I made myself ready and donned my cowboy hat, my shiny black boots and a buckle the size of a dinner plate, now I was ready for my date, I put on the face that the world has been seeing. But as I was leaving I just couldn’t help myself, I was almost through the door when I turned smiled and told her that it was very nice to meet her. If you ask her that was the moment that entered her heart. I tell you about meeting her because there was something about her that I couldn’t put my finger on till later, even after we moved in together, and this is what it was, she, my wife of 14 years could see right through the bullshit that I had surrounded myself in and could see the me that was hurting and suffering and she accepted me for who I was and not the shiny facade that I showed the world, how was she able to do this, why was she able to do this? I don’t know but it grounded me not at once but it took several years and needless to say those years were nay on impossible, I balked at this, it made me angry and she took it all with stride, I pushed and pulled and did everything in my power to stop her from seeing the real me, even leaving several times, but all she would say is that her love for me was so strong that nothing not even me leaving her for good would ever stop her from loving me. You got to believe me I tried everything in my bullshit arsenal to try to make her not see the real me, but to no avail she still saw me for who I truly was, lost, scared, angry, full of hate, needing to be loved for me not the person that I wanted everyone to see. And she gave all of herself to me,

My beautiful wife Gerri Kaye

she comforted me, held me when I cried. she let me rage against the world that had created me, and most of all even though still today it is hard she tries to understand me. She knows when I am angry, and lets me work it out till I am ready to talk, she knows when i am anxious and tries her best to help me through the terror that, that brings about, she lets me be scared and knows when it is time to help me come back to reality. And when all this was killing me inside and I wanted to leave this world she was there to help me see that I needed help and she got it for me, she has stopped me from killing myself over 4 times. She was there when the doctors diagnosed me with DID and PTSD and the first thing she did was to find out as much information about it as she could in order to better understand me, she is no way co-dependant on me, I probably am on her, but I can’t help it, you see when you love as deeply as I do and you feel as deeply about someone as I do, then there comes with it a certain amount of co-dependancy. Now don’t get me wrong I still use the bullshit factor to get through life, but only with others, more in the public eye so to speak. and yes I have tried over the years to bullshit my way with her and all she says is I am here for you when you need me, it is like a slap in the face that brings me back to reality. Even now while she is ill, she still knows what is going on with me by the look on my face, it breaks my heart to see the once proud woman brought low by this disease called COPD, but I know how strong this woman is I have watched her become a “wonder woman” in the years that I have known her, and this little episode wont bring her down for long she will be strong again. She will learn to cope with this and to stand on her own two feet again. All I can do for her is be there for her like she has been for me for the last 14 years, it is time for me to be strong for her, help her with what she needs to be strong again, and to love her with as much passion and strength as she has done for me. Know this I am still struggling with my own issues and they do get the better of me all the time, and with her being ill, I have had to bring out the bullshit factor several times even for her, she needs for me to be strong, to help take care of the family right now, because she can’t, not that she still doesn’t try but it leaves her weak and gasping for air, and that scares me more than I scare myself. So for her and for what we are going through I will be as strong as I possibly can. I will be there to support her and take care of her like she has done for me. I am not a big fan of God and he knows it I have very little faith that there is such a thing as God, and no I don’t think we all came from monkeys or from cave men, but I do believe that there is a force in this world that is strong, and here is a little secret it has both a male side and a female side, this much I feel is true. But for my wife’s sake I tend to pray, I don’t know who it is that I am praying to but it can’t hurt, so I send up a little prayer every once in a while and hope and pray that whoever I am praying to is listening, not for myself but for her, I need her, life with out her to say the least would be very boring.


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