People that come into your life part 1

It is funny because I wonder what will people think about this stark raving lunatic writing a blog about his most internal feelings and issues, I don’t dwell on it but the thought has crossed my mind in the last several days. You see I don’t want to hurt ones feelings and I don’t want you all to think I am crazy(well maybe a little). What I want to do here is get out some of the things that are hanging around in the closet of my mind. To tell others of what it is that I am struggling with, what I think about and how I feel. You have to understand that I am not looking for acceptance but some understanding. I have said in several blogs that I am not really doing this for anyone else’s sake but my own and yes that is true, but I wonder and do know that there are others like me out there. I am not in any form a professional and what I write is from me and my issues and that is what I hope people will understand. I cannot quote books or periodicals or even papers written about this subject, though I have done my fair share of research on this subject, just for my own information, nor will I quote from these things that I have read. Instead I wanted to create a place where I can be heard and hopefully understood.

People come and go in our lives like leaves in the wind, some but briefly touch us others stick to us like they are trying to ride out a hurricane. I wanted to talk briefly about the people in my life  and how they have effected me, or rather how their lives have changed mine. I will bring up several people in the next few blogs that have made an impact on my life. One of them being my brother David, now the others will remain anonymous and hopefully those of you that know me will instantly recognize these people for the rest of the world the story is just that a story, or rather a memory. Time for a chew and a Diet Pepsi cause this once again will be long-winded, and with a subject like this how could it not be

My brother David has well, he has been in my life and not in my life, and I will explain that. You see he went through the same childhood experiences that I did and I don’t know they have effected him, but I do know how they effected me(effected or affected?). You see from the time I can remember as a child, what little memory I have of it there has always been David. David the protector, David the care giver, not probably in many cases the David that took the abuse for me. These are but some of the roles that David has taken in my life and there are others, especially David the care giver. At a very young age my brother was always there looking out for me and being that we are brothers not quite a few times did he not want to kill me, but he never did. He was always first and for most the care giver. He was there and is there when my mother couldn’t or wouldn’t be there for me, he was the one that made sure that I had clean clothes and food to eat, and yes at a later age he even provided that food for me by working from a very early age. And yet it doesn’t explain the statement I made in the beginning of this paragraph does it. Since you don’t know the Kline family and I am not sure that even I do I will try to explain it as best I can. The reason that I said what I said in the beginning of this paragraph is difficult to explain and quite frankly the only way I can explain it is by looking at my own self instead of guessing what David is thinking. I believe that we genuinely love each other as family and as brothers and I really think that we care about the day-to-day lives of one another, I think of him constantly. I mean how could I not, when others ask me who my father is I say David, when others ask me who my mother is I say David. Yes this throws people into not a little bit of confusion and as one person said are your mother and father the same person, to this I simply reply, yes. Now that brings to mind what a whole lot people think that I was the product of a gay marriage, which is far from the truth. But you see in my eyes David was both to me. He had to be, there was no one else to do the job. But back to the subject at hand, while we both care for the other I think that seeing one another and being with one another brings to the fore front of our minds the things we had to endure and survive as children. Yes this is probably one way that we use to deal with that pain, or should I say that is one way I think that we deal with the pain, fear and anger. So we have little contact with each other, one or the other will call when there is a need, and in most cases it is me. He has provided me with a place to live over the years but even when we have lived together there was not much contact with each other, it is not that we avoided each other, well it was just that we moved in different circles, and we went about our lives in different manners. I feel that if it weren’t for David that I would never made it to the adult that I have become and I also realize that if it weren’t for David that I may not be here at all. Man that hit home like a five-pound sledge to the head. I can remember one of the many times that our mother left us to fend for ourselves while she chased some man around the country. Well after a while David couldn’t keep up with all the things an adult was supposed to keep up with let alone him being a teenager and having to take care of an unruly brother and yes I was unruly, I was a down right holy fucking terror, but non the less had done his absolute best to keep me from harm and to keep me alive. Well as things went he wasnt able to care for the both of us and he actually had no right to try, this was our mothers job, but she was nowhere to be found. So David called our grandmamma and she sent us the money(I think) to come out to Washington State to live with her, the only real memory that I have of this trip was when we were in some big city Chicago I think and I needed to go to the bathroom, but David wouldn’t let me you see he was afraid that if we got separated that some one would take and he would never see me again, but did I know this, NO< i was a brat and all I could think about was that I needed to go to the bathroom. Needless to say he couldn’t or wasnt able to make me understand the situation, due to the fact that I was small and I was not listening, or hell maybe he never even tried to explain it cause he knew I wouldn’t understand. We did make it our grandmamma, and with no ill effects or to my knowledge no further events having taken place. It is for the memories like this that I love my brother so much, he could have just given up and sent to be a ward of the state which probably could have happened even if he didn’t want it, but he didn’t and he kept me close to him as a child and being a child himself. He sacrificed more than I could ever dream of his childhood and teenage years for me. And don’t think for one minute I am not grateful, I know that I have never told him this, and don’t know that I ever will. But it is here for the rest of you to read. I am going to have to make this a multiple part blog because I am having a hard time with the feelings that this has brought up, sadness, fear, resentment towards our mother and father. If he had known what was going on would my father have even cared, he didn’t care enough to keep in touch with us, but hell how could he we were forever moving, and he is dead and once again the Kline family keeps mostly to themselves, so there is no asking him now, a;ll I can do is sit and wonder, as in regards to my father I wish that I could like David does, and not give a damn for the man, but alas he was my father and for that I will forever love him, if only for the fact that he was my father. This ends the first post of People that come into your life, I cannot go on from here to the next, I need to spend sometime thinking over this post or if I will even post it.


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