Does it ever get better?


Ok, so now it is nearly 2 pm and I have tried everything and anything to get some sleep, to comfort myself, to ease the way I feel. I feel a little destructive, some what embarrassed, guilty, anxious and a few other things that I don’t have the words or even the mental capacity to describe, and I damn sure can’t type, I look at the keyboard instead of the screen and then when I am done typing I look at the screen only to see gibberish, fuck enough with the random shit.

Just tell them how you really feel, can’t you even do a simple thing like explain how you feel? Well you see me being me, no I can’t just tell you how I fucking feel. Even as I started this damn thing and I wrote the words that I thought I felt, it really wasnt the way I was feeling. It isn’t as easy as just writing down some words and saying this is how I feel. Cant you understand, I don’t know how I feel, I just don’t feel like me. It is not that I feel separated or distanced from myself or dissociated from myself it is just plain this, I don’t feel like me, I havent slept all night and I have laid in bed the whole day so far, just not feeling like me. I havent answered the phone even though it has rung several times, I have searched the internet hoping to find something to inspire me, or make me feel different but that isn’t working, so I say to myself, self what are you going to do now? And self replies hell I don’t know you are the brains of this operation. At this point I am fucked, if I am the brains of this operation aint a whole lot going to get accomplished.

My son just came in my room and asked to go to Taco Bell and get him some lunch and I had to explain to him what was going on, basically I told him that daddy hadn’t gotten any sleep and that he wasnt feeling real well right now, but I would maybe go later. Thank god for his nanny she has taken him to Taco Bell even as I write this, I think that she knows that something is not right with me today.

So here I sit thinking, hoping, looking for some way to make me feel different than I do right now. Is it possible do you think? How long am I going to feel this way? Well then this thought popped in to my head, should I have even started this damn blog, is this causing the feelings that I am having? I can’t help but to think that in a way this blog has caused me to feel like this, or at least contributed to how I am feeling. I mean this should be no different from journaling right? It has only been a few days since I started this damn thing and now I am having second thoughts about the blogging how I feel thing, and it isn’t like I have a whole hell of a lot of hits on the site, you cant even find it in a search engine for fucks sake. The only people who I know that have read this damn thing have been a few close friends. And hell by now they are calling the mental hospital to see if they have an open room on 1-East, ya been there several times before. I don’t feel like interacting with anyone including myself, now aint that a bitch. I want someone to take it all away, to just take this feeling from me and replace it with one I recognize, anything is better than the ambivalence I am feeling right now.

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