Morning 6/7/2012


Well I have to say good morning to you all, but I also have to say it isn’t a good morning to say the least. I have tried to go to sleep since around 11:00 pm last night. I laid here and tossed and turned my mind going at full speed, my body aches especially in my shoulder areas and my hips, I guess it is due to me tossing and turning. And the damn neighbors dog has been barking the whole time, now normally this doesn’t bother me, he has of a deep bark and most of the time it doesn’t bother me, but tonight I just wanted to shoot him. My stomach is very distended and I feel like I am trying to have an anxiety attack, I know most of you can probably relate to that I am feeling right now. I have taken a xanax to see if that helps, and I hope that it does and just in case I have a second one if that first fails.

I have to look at why I am feeling this way and I think it is due to the last post about Hank and having the feeling of having a false memory. And I think another part of it is because I freaked out about losing the information that I swore that I wrote about part 3 of my 4 part blog. Also it has to do with the content of those blogs too. You see in those blogs I portray myself in a negative light, with my being a partier and a drug addict, To which at this point in my life I am not, now that don’t mean I can’t drink beer with my buddies and not hold my own, but I now take medicine around 8 pm every night and it is 2.0 mg of xanax and some colonidine, and yes I should not be drinking and mixing medications but I do and I normally just fall asleep after that. I think that this is sort of a confession for me,I am not that same person that I have written about, I really don’t drink that much anymore, and I damn sure don’t do the drugs anymore. I did sort of glamorize that period of my life and I really wanted you to know some of my own history, where I have been in my life and to know where I am at now in my life, which is being awake at 5 in the morning, half caught up in an anxiety attack and feeling not a little guilty about getting my point across about those 4 people who I feel were and had an impact in my life. I have only shared a part of each persons contribution and that part doesn’t cover the good parts of those people. The portrayal of each, except David, consists of some of the good times and yes I know it involved drugs, sex and alcohol, and I hope you don’t judge me for my actions as a much younger man, but you see that was a part of who I was. You see even then I was using the drugs and alcohol to cover up the wounds and hurt that I was feeling and as long as I was having what I thought to be a good time I didn’t have to remember why I was doing this to begin with. And please don’t judge the others, they were also dealing with their own demons and issues also. I don’t know that I have put it clearly enough for you here about how I feel, and I don’t know if I am able to get across to you he importance of me feeling accepted, once again part of my issues, you see I feel I have had DID for a very long time and I might have known it hence the drug and alcohol abuse. It was my way of dealing with it, it was my therapy, and my medication. I know I keep saying this but it is important for me to try my best to get my point across, you see I have to live with me and I try to be honest in what I write here and yes I have glamorized my past and you have to know that is how in my mind that is the way I saw it. I don’t know if I was on these people’s rides of life or if hell they just weren’t passengers on my ride of life. But they were and are there still here with me.

Even as I reread this and fix the spelling problems, I still don’t know if I have explained myself fully, in one sentence I call myself a partier and drug addict then deny it and then say again that can still drink beer with my buddies and hold my own, can we say self-contradiction.

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