Enter the Dark Side

I have to say that if you have not noticed there is a dark side to me, some from the way I write and some from the very heart of me, I am not evil, I harm none except myself. You have seen a dark part of me come out to play in my anger, but even when I am not angry I still have a dark aspect to me. If you have read the captions on the images I have uploaded you have seen the dark in me.

you see me don’t you, you see what you could have become, you have looked into my eyes and saw what I have seen, it is there waiting just beneath the thickness of your skin, it is there waiting in the hind parts of your mind, yes you know I am waiting, what use is it to control me, let me be, let me free and I will show you what we can do together.

I have never allowed the dark side of me to be free, it has shown its ugly head a time or two, but I have never given into the rage that will consume me if I allow it. It surfaces when I black out because when that happens there is either great stress upon me or anger even, but not unchecked, or something has caused me fear, and when any of these things happen the aspect that comes charging to the front of my mind is anger, you can see it in my blank stare, the position of my arms and in the clenching of my fists. I have often wondered what is that I see when I am in this state of mind. Do I remember? Do I feel what has gone on before? I have spoken and been spoken to during several of these episodes and the words come out in the same even tone. But is it in malice that I speak, what do I speak of, have I ever spoken to someone who isn’t there? Am I back in the past reliving some horrid moment? The answers lay in those moments because when I reawaken I have no knowledge of these moments, no emotions except for confusion. I wonder if someone spoke to me during these moments and asked of me questions of what I am seeing or feeling would I really be speaking to them, would I allow them to look into what it is that I am seeing, feeling or hearing.

I do have other feelings to me like love, faithfulness, awe, longing and desire, well the list could go on and it does. But you see it is the anger that I fear inside of me, to let out even a little bit to have just normal anger is not me, even when I get angry about the little things I have to hold in the forces that stir with in my mind, that seethes in my soul. I am forever holding those thoughts and emotions and fears with in myself. I do get mad and quite a lot but not one, not any of the people around me knows what my anger can truly do, it feels like destruction incarnate, it feels good also in the way that I should be vindicated, let free of the bonds that hold me together, allow my rage to be heard, if only to see if it reduces the anger I feel inside. I hold dearly to my family and friends and worry that if they ever truly get a glimpse of what is happening inside they will flee from my side and never return, and I would once again be left alone.

My wife my dear wife, I give a lot of credence to my wife you see she is the tie that binds me, I think that she knows what is inside of me, I think that with her gifts she has looked into my eyes and knows the rage that dwells within, and she grounds me, she with her calm words and loving advice and the soft words of comfort, she helps me control the rage even the anger held with in my mind and soul. Even when she sees it is about to happen she reminds me and tells me that it will be ok that this isn’t the person who you are, this rage does not define you.

My son, knows that I love him and I know that he loves me, to quote I don’t know who, hell even if I am making this one up, No greater love hath a man than that for his child. Well it sounds good doesn’t it? But for him I would not allow him to feel the anger and rage in my body, for you see I felt the anger of my father, and look what it has done to me, it has fractured my psyche, torn apart my personality, it has left me to deal with more than one person in my head and each of those aspects need to learn to come together to be me, all of them just to be me. This is one of the reasons that I do not show my son what is inside of me, yes there is discipline and yes I do get mad at him and most time rightly so, and other times, well other times it takes a few simple words from my wife to remind me that this is not the person that I am and no I cannot allow this rage to define me, what right do I have as a father to allow my son to be torn apart by what resides in me, he should not be afraid of me and he isn’t. He should never have to live in fear of what I might do to him in anger, he should be able to live his life without unfair demands put on him by me, he should never have to fear that if he fails at one thing or another that I will retaliate in anger. He should know kindness, support, care and love not fear or the recriminations of anger or the demands that he be the perfect little son ever dutiful and obedient, a slave to my demands, to fear the hand that reaches towards him. I would have him never fear my hand as it reaches for him, only in love and tenderness. The only thing that I want from my son is to do the right thing, be mindful of his education, listen to his mother and me and to be the best he can be no matter what, these are the only things I expect from my son. The only things I expect from any of my children to be exact, but unfortunately the older ones did see the anger in me from time to time, I was not able to control it all the time, my anger, and it has shown, but I have also shown them great love and caring and understanding, you see back then I was a different person, still full of rage but untempered by time, I didn’t have or even take the time to look at myself, and for that I am truly sorry for them. Gerri had seen the anger by then but was unable to break through the barrier that held it there, I had no time to allow myself to look at what it is that I was. And to you I am sorry, for you see during this time there were great troubles in our life, but none so much as from her ex-husband who had not entirely moved on with his life as of yet, and he did cause a huge uproar in our lives, with that and trying to provide for at the time 3 hungry mouths, to keep a decent roof over their heads and to give them the things in life that they wanted, now this was not always possible but we provided as best we could, for the rest would have to be waited upon.

I look back now and feel that those were some of the hardest times of our lives, there we were just trying to survive and it has not gotten easier, only harder for now we are in a tangle of a mess, now we have no roof of our own and we have but Dylan in our household, we survive off the kindness of others you see, cast out of our own lives by disease and mental health issues, not able to do the things that need to be done, no our path is not quite done, we still need to keep pressing on, no time now for us to rest. Sick and diseased we might be but now, especially now we have to learn to be strong again to stand up and fight back and perhaps rage against that, that which is holding us down, I will say again that our path is not finished and now is not the time for us to rest our weary bones, you see we still have one more to be strong for, one more that still has yet to reach his full potential, the others have taken their chosen path in life but we still have one more to set on his way. And yet even when that has been done you see it is still not time for us to rest, we will be needed as their roads become tangled and full of obstacles they will once again seek our advice and guidance. I tell you this is true for I have needed that on many a great occasion through out my life, when I have asked the question what do I do now, where do I go from here, for them we will need to be here for that, and though I will not have any memories to fall back on I will sit with you and talk about the choices that they might make and together we will help them to see the path that they should take.

You see I have yet to fully realize that my rage and anger do not define the person that I am, I may never fully come to realize that in this lifetime, but I am surrounded with people who do try to understand and look with indifference at my anger and hate. Would that I could I would take this from with in my breast all the anger and hate personified and throw it from me like a cancerous sore and allow the wound it leaves behind the chance to heal without this cancer in my breast, allow it to fill with love, hope and joy. For those of you who do not have this affliction you can never understand what it is like to live with several different aspects to your mind to never know which is going to come out at any given time. This is why I tell you about myself or should I say selves, for that is truly what I am, I am more than one, I am we, and we will have to learn how to work together, we will have to learn how to share ourselves, we will have to learn to communicate with each other, we will have to learn to be a whole and not the sum of different parts. I do not want any of you to know the anger and rage that resides in me, but I will tell you about all of us. I will give each and every one of us a chance to tell their story not just mine, and it is my hope that you can tell the different aspects of me, and please if they give you a name please do not tell me for I do not want to know their names, and I already know their history. So please understand and respond in kindness for that is why I do this, for kindness and maybe for a little understanding.


Tell me what you think.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: