Help ME!!!!!!!!!!!!


I sit here in my room feeling the walls closing about me feeling the twinges in my left arm, the slight tingling in my left hand, could this be it, can I be having a heart attack. With this thought I feel my stomach start to bloat, my heart start to race. Is this it, will this be the time I have a heart attack? My head is starting to hurt, around the temples, my stomach again feels empty and hollow and full of air. My muscles contract into an embrace so that I do not start falling apart, I can hear the TV in the living room, the sound louder than chaos itself, my hands are shaking now and my vision is becoming blurry, I blink my eyes several times before the screen becomes clear again. Do I get my wife? Do I take some xanax, well guess what you are out of xanax until Monday or Tuesday. I hope to myself that this doesn’t keep going, that I can control it with out the medication, have to blink again just once to clear my eyes, this can’t be happening now, not now. I am gritting my teeth so hard that it is starting to hurt my jaws, breathing becomes shallower, more from the top of my chest than the belly breathing I normally do, can I get this all down before it hits me fully, I will try. What to do, which way should I go, that twinge of fear that is hitting right now. I know in the part of my mind that is rational it tells  me that this is probably not a heart attack, but how do I tell, the symptoms are so similar, to that of a heart attack, chest pain, shortness of breath, tingling in my left arm. What am I supposed to do? You have been through this many times,

twisting, turning, shadows burning in my mind, where to go, what to do, I don’t know, I don’t know, help me, I am turning in circles of fear twisting into fear, I am scared now, shutting down, experience not normal, help me!!!!

oh so many times. You know to control your thoughts and emotions, you know that you can’t let it grab a hold of you. Don’t let it take over, because that way leads to fear, damn pain in my forehead shooting across my brow, and with fear comes anger and you know the two don’t mix at all.  Squeezing my hands so tight between sentences that the knuckles crack. I am starting to feel the tingle in my right hand, not a good sign, if it moves to my face we are going to be here for a while, oh and top of it I have to go to the bathroom, now we have to walk, I think I will go tell my wife what is happening so that she is prepared for the worst, perhaps not she is asleep and I don’t want to wake her for this, it adds stress to her, I could tell my mother in law but I don’t think she really understands what is happening to me, my legs are so tightly crossed that they are starting to cramp, I had better move soon before they cramp up completely. My wife woke up as I went into the living room, so I told her what was happening and she nodded her head in that silent way to say she understands( or is it in condescension that she shakes her head), she asks me if I am ok, I just reply that I will be alright. Hands still clenching into the semblance of claws, knuckles cracking with every movement, blinking several times to clear my eyes. I sit here and wait to see what happens afraid that I will fall to the floor and collapse. hand clenching my chest gasping for that last breath. Is this the time it will  be a heart attack, no one seems to care it has happened so many times now, has everyone but me become complacent with it? My scalp is crawling that is a side effect of the adderall, that much I do know. Still the pains in my left arm, they are the first to get me, that first hint of what the hell is going on. I have got to stop clenching my jaw, man that is really starting to hurt. Great I can hear the soft refrains of a Johnny Cash song, but I can’t place the name of the song, it is in the background of the TV in the living room, I can hear everything they are saying but can’t hear the damn song clearly. Need to stop now things are rushing to fast, sending me into a tail spin, round and round and round.

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