The Others……………

I start this with some hesitation. You see all it seems is when I blog about feelings or the other aspects of myself all that seems to be discussed is anger, anger I know where you come from, I know why you are here, but it seems that when I try to inner dialogue with myself and try to seek out the other aspects of my personality, all that I find is anger, and like I said I know why anger is here. But somewhere is the rest of me trying to get out, to be heard, to tell their story. But see I have failed or so it seems in this not so simple task of trying to talk to the others inside of me, because when I do all that seems to come up is anger. Where is the rest of me? Do I have to deal with the anger that is inside of me constantly, so it would seem. I want to see past the anger to get to know the others, to find out what they have to say, it seems to me they might have something important to tell me. But this is no simple task, what can I do to push the anger aside even for a little while and find the others inside of me, I know they are in there they do come out even for just a millisecond, then the anger barges its way to the front with its righteous indignation, anger is the bully of the group or perhaps I havent yet been able to deal with all the anger inside of me. Do you see what I am saying? It all seems like anger, I have an idea about what I am angry about, but I should have other feelings, or rather other aspects. I mean is anger the only one to show its self, no I don’t think so, like I mentioned the others are there and have come out but it doesn’t last very long before anger takes over. It is such a strong emotion and feeling inside of me so how can I ignore it? I need to deal with it and yet it scares the hell out of me. It is in every fiber of my being, every interaction in my life. I cannot talk to a therapist just yet I havent found one to help me with this plague of problems that I am feeling, even now I am feeling a bit sad and I can feel the anger boiling up inside of me demanding to put right the proverbial wrong that it thinks is happening to me, I don’t want to be

there i see you seething rising in my breast, waiting, longing to be released, but i say no, be still you raging beast, be still, for once in your life be still

angry I have had enough of it for now, I just want to be, well be me. Is that so much to ask for? That for once I am allowed to feel some sense of peace, of well-being, without anger rearing its monstrous head and taking control and controlling the so-called situation, NO. Leave me be for but a moment, let me be who I chose to be, just for a little while. While I sit here writing this I feel some fear and trepidation welling inside of my chest, and I am waiting just waiting for the anger to come forth and put right the perceived wrong that is causing me to feel the fear and trepidation. What is wrong with feeling this way the only person causing it to be is me. There is no outside conflict that requires your assistance, I just wanted to feel something other than anger. Anger is the way I have lived my life for so long, it hurts, it tears and wrenches at my soul, so much so that I am afraid that one day I just might explode. Its depressing, it is hard for me to be so angry all the time, can’t for once I just feel something other than anger. I do feel love, I know I do, because I love my wife and son, I can feel for them all the things that need to be felt, is love stronger than anger. Not inside of me, it even taints the love I feel for my wife and son. It was there when I decided to end my life calling me a pussy, it aint going to hurt just pull the blade across your skin, then they will have to take us seriously. I tried I really tried but the knife would not cut, this was a knife I used everyday of my life it was always there in my right pocket, for what ever needs may be. But no as I feverishly ran the blade across my skin it would only scratch the surface, I sawed at it like it was a tree but to no avail it would not cut my skin. So I stopped, collapsing in tears as my wife enters the room and from there we go to 1-east, to the loony bin the nut house, well what ever you want to call it. To this day I cannot get that knife to even cut paper it will no longer hold an edge and to be honest I don’t even know where it is, I don’t miss that knife. What I want is to once feel like I can honestly take a look at the world and not find one thing that causes anger, I want one thing to make me wonder, one thing to make me smile, one thing that makes me stop and just be at peace with the things around me, am I asking for too much, am I asking for the impossible, I don’t think so, do I believe that it will happen one day, by the Gods I hope so. I know that day is not soon but it will be here and I will be waiting with bated breath for that one impossible moment. I just hope it isn’t on the day I die, I hope the Gods grant me that one day, but not on that fateful day when my life ends. Perhaps the day before? I have tried to talk about the others within me, I so wanted one of them to come to the front and make their presence known but it seems that once again anger is holding the trump card. Soon I hope to be able to have the others come out and write their story for I would know them and I would like to read what they have to say.


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