Emotional Warp


I am sitting here in my bed, just sitting wondering at the feelings of the last week or so, looking from one to another trying to make any sense of it at all. I have been anxious, angry, resentful, fearful, quiet and sad. I have to say, WHY? What is it about then last week or so that has made this emotional wreck. I can tell you when it started it started on the day of my hearing, and I have been going ever since, sometimes sleeping for a few days others going without sleep for several day at a time, like for the last 3 days I may have slept 6 hours total. I lay here with my mind in an emotional turmoil, sending messages across my brain like electricity. What do I do to calm myself down, and what is it that is keeping me in this state of mind, I mean you guys have been a witness to the emotional avalanche that has been over the last, what 2 weeks?

I traced it back to the day of my hearing and what it means to me, I think that it really truly hit me in that day that I really have a problem, and yes denial is a river in Egypt, I have been to the doctors and have listened to what they tell me and take the pills that they have prescribed me and I have been living that way for awhile now. So what was different about that one day, well if you have read my, what second blog My Life Living with DID you all know what happened that day. I freaked out its kind a what I do.  If you haven’t already guessed that. I am thinking that it really hit home that I may be like this the rest of my life, therapy for this takes a long time and I don’t know if I can give that kind of commitment to me right now. And I say that only because I don’t want to deal with it. I just want to live my life and be the person that I have always been, but wait ya that is right I have already opened the box, the can of worms. I can feel it now the dread of what I have done, and I scream at myself, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE! You see there is no going back now and unfortunately I now know that. And it is like I have unleashed an emotional hurricane upon my head.

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Now you see comes the part in this tale of why I feel like this and I am taking a stab in the dark here, but once again see if you can follow my logic to the conclusion, if any. Here are the big questions that hit me from time to time. Am I really DID, or is this another misdiagnosis? Do I really have others in my mind? If why can’t I hear them and only hear the anger inside. Where are they if they are there? I have read the blogs and researched the web sites for information and I have the doctor’s evaluation. But do I really have DID? I keep second guessing myself, giving myself doubts, like what if there is nothing wrong with me other than anxiety and depression. I know that is enough to kick anybodies psyche in the ass. But I look over my writings both here and the journal by my head, and I reread all that I have written and know that there is something there. I also have asked myself this a lot, do I really deserve the disability money that they are going to give me? Do I really need the money that disability is giving me? The final blow to these questions is this, am I taking money that may be better off for someone else, someone with a real disability? Ya I know I do have a real disability, but it wasn’t as gratifying as I thought it would be, now what do I mean by that? Well that is self doubt, and that is what I am living with right now, and it hurts psychically it is the pain in my chest, the churning of my stomach and the discord of harmony in my body. Going back to the gratifying part, they used, to my mind, the weakest of my problems, once again to me, they used my anxiety to label me with the disable label, but is it the weakest of my problems, in the last week or so it seems not, because I have been in a constant state of panic. It has overwhelmed me and consumed me totally. So in conclusion we have several things, first is the panic, second is the self doubt and finally there is this, do I really have DID? So I have made some conclusions and tried to put this in a way that I might understand, but have I fully closed the circuit? Does any of this make sense to you, in a way it does to me because I can see that this might be the true matter at heart.

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