It’s not me, it’s the anger

Disclaimer: If I had known where this blog was taking me, well I still would have written it, and saying that, saying that there is some content that may leave the reader uncomfortable, myself included and if you find it somewhat hard to believe then that is your choice, I don’t write fabrications and I don’t have to make things up. When you read this it starts out innocent enough and deteriorates into something I had no control over, so I still post it here for all to read and to judge me on all that I have written, I am a man not taken to flights of fancy but giving the facts that I have with in me. I post this warning now so all may know, if what I write offends or makes you nervous then please don’t read any further, because it might. This post deals with some of my demons of my father and the military system that he set up to help defend this country, it also deals with information that I found out at a later age about what my father did for the US Government and what it did to him, I was angry when I wrote this and I am apologizing for that now. Warning if you don’t handle things about the US Government please do not read this.

I have often wondered if I will ever find the real me, I mean there is the angry Dan, there is the sacred Dan, there is the ever fearful Dan, and yes being scared and fearful are two different things. Let us not for get about mean Dan, hurtful Dan and the Dan who causes all the damn commotion around here, we can’t forget about that now can we. I just wonder which Dan is the real me? I feel like that damn eminm(is that spelled right) song will the real slim shady please stand up. I am not a rap song either, I don’t know who I am, that much is clear to me. I sit and wonder about what is going to happen to all the different parts of Dan, and yes I am talking in the third person here, and why not can’t I be a little crazy for just a damn minute? Here I go asking a bunch of questions about myself again and we all know what happens when I start asking myself questions don’t we? I have come to the realization that I am not all here, a quart shy of a gallon. It really seems to be coming out of me regularly over the last several weeks. I have blogging like crazy, went crazy from blogging and have tried to quit blogging for a while and then decided not to. Well that is just a part of it, I have written things about myself that I would have never told anyone let alone put it on the internet for everybody and their brother can read it and have invited some of my personal friends and wife to read the insane shit I have been writing out here. I mean does that really sound like something I would do, For years I created a persona that surrounded me like a suit of armor so that no one would ever know that I was having any sort of problems and now all of a sudden I am writing a blog about the very intimate things that I have and do. I have got to be out of my mind right? Why am I asking you guys hell you are out here doing the same damn thing that I am, but you see in my day-to-day interactions I still wear that suit of armor. You know this is not easy for me to talk about and every time I post on this damn thing it takes more and more out of me emotionally, I know I have a lot to say and I really want to say it but sometimes it really hurts, and deep too. I know that I post a lot and have had several verbal meltdowns to my credit, but I am really tired of the emotional stress that telling others this and knowing that others are reading this and will judge me on the content, well it is taking its toll on me. The problem with that is whether I write here or in a journal I have just got to get it out and as I might have said in an earlier post my journal seems so confining to me anymore. It is much better to take my chances with all of you than to confine my thoughts to a dusty old tome, that will end up on a shelf in my library and never see the light of day again. So it seems that I am stuck, and rightly so because when a thought hits me and I need to write it down I do it here, and I gotta tell you, you never know when my thoughts are going to hit. I have written many diverse posts over the 3 weeks I have had this blog and quite a lot of blogs to go along with it, I mean 42 posts in a little over 3 weeks. What a load of shit, right? I never thought that I would have anyone follow my blog and when the first person started to follow my blog I felt a sense of obligation to keep writing this blog, I have since given up on that thought and have decided that what I write here is for me, and yes I have said that several times in my blogs, but it is true I can’t write for no one else but me and have been true to that from the very beginning and will stay true to that premise while I write this damn blog of oblivion. It has become my drug of choice, my addiction.

for me and the brothers in arms

for my father, I cant put the other image up here it would call to much attention to my site


What I really, really want to write about is the rage and anger that I feel all of the time, I want to rage against a society that helped create the monster that was my father and the cold heartless bitch that was my mother, I want to smash things, throw things and destroy all the memories in my head that come from the two of them, they have made me what I am and neither one of them is here to take the blame for the monster they have fucking created. When I die I hope to hell that I see them because I will pull both of them kicking and fucking screaming into the hell I have created in my mind for them, they will have no choice but to stare into my eyes and see the thing that they created and will go into eternity with that very life in their mind or soul or whatever is left of them. I will follow them into that hell and make sure that they suffer for eternity. I knew it was coming, I could feel it seething in the back of my mind when I started this post, and I knew that if I wrote this that the anger would come, and I would welcome it to my breast and nurture it like a suckling babe to the breast. I tell you if had went through half the things I did as a child you would feel the heat of despair that I feel, the indignity that I have felt the, jeez god I can’t even find the right fucking word in my mind that I want to describe how you should feel. Disclaimer time, I fully understand that my childhood was traumatic to me and I am in no way comparing what has happened to me to anyone elses childhood which may have been a living hell for you, what I do here is share my experiences and feelings to the best or not so best of my abilities. Do you know I used to wonder when my father would die, because I thought and was told at one time that I was the last Kline child in his will, that fucker had the last laugh he left every fucking penny and every piece of property to his wife, my step mother, as if that bitch was deserving, was she, I mean was she really deserving of all of that,no. I felt that as his child that he would have left me something, but no and that bitch is not even going to ;live on the property that he had where they lived she is going to move back to where her children are living, so what happens to the old homestead, well it will go to the fucking weeds or will be sold by that bitch, you would think that she would at least give the home to me, and not leave it or line her fucking pockets with the proceeds from the sale of it. Fuck her and him for doing what he done and I hope he fucking turns over in his fucking grave at the very thought of that bitch selling his properties off one at a fucking time, just so she can live in relative luxury and when she fucking kicks the bucket and may it be soon, she will leave all of my father’s money and belongings to her fucking brood, look at what you did father, you hated her fucking children and now they are going to get what was yours instead of your own flesh and fucking blood. Man I hope that is twisting in your guts in what ever hell they put you in. You fucking fuck…never even paid child support did you, not one fucking christmas present birthday card or even a fucking phone call, and where the fuck were you when that bitch of an ex-wife left us to fend for ourselves, did you even know or would you have even cared. you were an abusive son of a bitch and a coward to boot, if you had really loved us as your children you would have found out the fucking truth about her and done something about it but no, not the mighty Richard Allen Kline Sr. You know they told me what you did in the military you sick crazy son of a bitch it is no wonder you went fucking crazy and guess what I am going to spill the fucking beans about you right here on this fucking blog, and yes the FBI told me when they interviewed me for my security clearance, they told me everything. Do you want me to spill all of your sick fucking secrets here on this page? Cause I will, even when it will get me in trouble and I will end up in Leavenworth. ya those are the secrets I am talking about and yes I still have a fucking security clearance, it only lasts 5 years and I had to redo it 2 years ago before deployment, you rat bastard, I should contact all of those families of the men you got………… You are so lucky my cell phone will be ringing after I post this and I know who it is even though it will listed as a private number. I will give you a name though just so you know who it is, remember Deckard, you fucking bastard. I will not retract my previous statements but for my own safety and for my families I will no longer continue on this line of recourse, if I have upset any of you with my memories, then to you I sincerely apologize, and regret any type of anxiety or harm that I may have caused by my actions. In the event that this blog is taken down and my post disappears then you will know why. That will not stop me from creating another blog under a different name and continuing my rants and musings, so to all of those that have been eavesdropping on this blog that is public domain and tripping on my god given rights, well you can kiss my ass, cause I know you will take it down, welcome one and all from the Department of Homeland Defense, I do hope you are having a great second shift and that my angry musings here will cause you to have no little concern, for once a soldier always a soldier. And as far as that mother fucker you hired in the beginning to help you set up your little department, well he is fucking dead and is in the ground with fucking barely any honors, did any of you attend? I hope fucking so cause I wasn’t there my fucking step brother and step mother sure as fuck made certain I wasn’t I didn’t find out till the fucker was in the ground, and you know why I wasn’t there because at the reading of the will I would have bitched slap that money-grubbing whore right in her fucking mouth, just like she deserves right now, but I refrain due to the fact that I have been warned not to go around her, that part of my life was over and I need to move on, well you fucking lab rats what about the damage done to me by this fucker, you knew what he was like you were the ones who debriefed him after his last mission in fucking Puerto Rico, or don’t you remember sending half of my father back the rest of him rotted somewhere else in South Fucking America, well that last will cause no little bit of hand ringing at Homeland security. Sometimes I can’t leave well enough alone can I, you fuckers. I have a question for you and I know for sure that my mother called about him and the atrocities that he was committing to his family, where were you when we needed help, no you wouldn’t help you needed that crazy fucking bastard just the way he was for your little games didn’t you? You wanted me to follow in his footsteps didn’t you, you said as much in Pennsylvania while I was at MOSQ school, when your little friends were telling me about Richard and Richard Jr. did you think that I would become your next crazy son of a bitch, didn’t like my answer then and you didn’t like it the next time I upped for my security clearance the second time did you. And if I know my wife she will have something to say about this like, why would you deliberately provoke the government of the United States, of whom you swore to protect and defend from all, I did take my oath seriously and still have it in my heart even today and would be the first to volunteer right now this very hour for anything besides what you wanted me to do in my father’s stead, that I will never do look at what it did to him. I have run out of steam and really don’t want to get myself or my family in any more trouble than I have in the past, I will rail no more about my father for the moment. I have reached my point where I feel it is futile. May you all find a certain peace with this night and know that I care deeply for every one of you and no this post will not be brought down from my ramblings and anger. It is well-known that I will never reveal what was told to me about my father and his actions in the US Military, it was given from the point I took that oath and raised my right hand in front of God my family and my country. I really lost it on this one and to all of you that read this do so with a grain of salt, once more the prior statement was a disclaimer.

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