Word of the day…..


Acceptance is the word of the day for me today and I would like to give the universal definition of what acceptance is, and then I want to go on from there and see if I can’t define it so that it fits me and the way that I am. So here is the definition of the word.

ac·cept·ance

[ak-sep-tuhns]  Show IPA

noun

1.

the act of taking or receiving something offered.

2.

favorable reception; approval; favor.

3.

the act of assenting or believing: acceptance of a theory.

4.

the fact or state of being accepted or acceptable.

5.

acceptation ( def. 1 ) .

 

So know we know how the world sees the definition of this word, I will point out several key words as they relate to me.

Approval, believing and the state of being accepted, those are the words that shine forth from this definition that I want to talk about.

Believing, I want to believe that I can be a part of normal everyday society, to function in a manner that seems normal to others and their perception of me. That is not going to happen, I am not a normal person and haven’t been for quite awhile, I have DID, PTSD, anxiety and depression and at any given point or time these issues define the person that I am and will eventually come to the fore front and cause problems with my day to day interactions with the world. So what I want to believe and the actual truth are two very different things, and I have yet to come to terms with these very things. I am and will continue to work on it but it will be a long road for me and I don’t know where that road will lead me. The fact that I am telling you that I am willing to work on it is not the entire truth, you see I am scared. I am scared that I will get worse or that other things will pop up while I am working on this. So for this very reason I am dragging my heels on finding a therapist to help me with this, if I can’t find a therapist then I can’t work on it, do you catch my drift. So I haven’t been putting forth any effort for this task.

Approval, I am seeking approval from, well from any where I can get it, from myself, from my family, hell I am even seeking approval from each and every one of you who read my blog.  Why is it so important to me to have approval, well to start I have never had any approval in my life, not from my father, mother, father figures, bosses or even from people I call my friends. Maybe approval is not the right word I am looking for it sounds more like acceptance to me not approval. Perhaps with approval I am looking for some validation of the things that I have actually achieved in my life. Yes, I think that is the better way of looking at this I am looking for acceptance and approval, and seem to have gotten the two mixed up.

Now we come to the state of being accepted, this is a really big one for me, for as long as I have been alive no one has accepted me for me. It has always been a version of me. Dan the drug addict, Dan the partier, Dan who can drink most people under the table, Dan who will be there for you no matter what it is that you need, except to help you move your things, I really hate moving due to the fact that I have done it so many times in my life. I have been many things to many people over the years and the one sad fact that comes from that is that no one, not a single person has accepted me for who I am, and the other part to that is no one even took the time to look at the person I really was. This makes me really sad and seems to limit me from seeking out friendships and other company, due to the fact that maybe I don’t know who I am and I don’t know who the real Dan is either. It would seem that all of the other Dan’s I have mentioned above are a piece of the whole picture of me, but I sit back and wonder if I put all those pieces aside what will be left, doesn’t sound like much does it. So I have to figure out how to combine all the different pieces of me and make a whole, right? Sounds good to me, but her we have another problem with that and that is the fractured psyche that is me, how do in combine all those other aspects of myself into a cohesive whole. I don’t have the answer to that question. You see there are different pieces of me that seem to have their own way of doing and saying things that I don’t do or say.

I guess this brings me to the point that I am having such a hard time dealing with, the different aspects of me. What do I do with them, well right now nothing, because I don’t want to do anything about them. I can’t control them and I don’t think that I want to, let them come forward, let them tell about themselves, let their storied be heard. But we have a problem with that, the strongest among them is anger, and yes for just a minute I will talk about anger, why? Because it is the strongest among them. I really envy people whose others have a name, but I have a reason for not allowing my others to share their names with me, by learning their names they become real people not just a part of me. And I wouldn’t hurt real people, or would only hurt real people if I had to. So I will continue to let them be named for the emotion they invoke, period cut and dried. Anger comes charging in at the slightest imagined hurt, if another emotion is invoked it barrels its way past that emotion and takes control. I have seen it happen way to many times for this to be ignored, and it pushes the other emotion to the side and I know that, that emotions feelings are hurt I can sense it in the corners of my mind, like whispers of words that are basically telling anger that it has no right to interfere and that in turn makes the other emotion angry and desperate because it wants to be heard, needs to be heard. And thus the battle rages in my mind my anger like some general stepping to the front to take command and yet the troops no longer rally behind him as they once did, I am getting the feeling that they are sick of being run the fuck over, but anger doesn’t care you see for he feels righteous and determined to encounter each and every wrong he thinks is committed to me, even if is as small as a bump in the night that wakes me in a fright. The first reaction is fear but then as you may have guessed anger comes barging its way through and takes over and then there I go out into the night that at first scared me to find the reason behind the bump in the night, all I was really going to do was pull the covers over my head and hope that whatever it was would just go away. But no, here I go pulling out every combat inspired move that has been drilled into my head over the years, picture this me in my Mario brothers sleep pants, clearing the house as if it were in the middle of a battle zone. Pretty funny picture till you see that the anger is blazing from my eyes like a beacon in the night, and all my anger is there to find the perceived wrong, most of the time it turns out to be a small furry animal in the trash or the drunk guy next door stumbling from his garage to his back door trying to get in to sleep it off. One time it was my son in the kitchen making pizza rolls at 3am in the morning, to say that I have scared the shit out of him more than once would be an understatement. After finding out what has happened I return to my room and sit there for sometimes hours before I get back to sleep. It would be funny if Romeo Serria could see me in the middle of the night doing this, he probably wouldn’t laugh because I have caught him doing the same thing, and he was packing a pistol, all he would do is correct anything he thought I was doing wrong and make me clear the house again doing it the right way. I do find that funny, especially since he wears sponge bob sleep pants. Hey a story I got out a decent story that even has an ending, damn I am proud of myself. Maybe I should stop here, it can only get worse from here. No, well I could go on for a little bit more if you don’t mind. But hell now I don’t know what to talk about, so I guess I will end it here and on a good note this time instead of just apologizing that I haven’t said a damn thing.

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