Looking, Searching and where to start or throw a damn fit

I have spent most of the afternoon between running errands for my wife and fixing broken parts on CPAP machine and looking on the internet for self help groups for DID and looking at other blogs about DID and also looking for a new doctor and therapist for myself. While there are some really great blogs out there on DID they seem to be way beyond me and what I know about my disorder, what they seem to be talking about is like me trying to read Latin, I just don’t understand what they are writing about and I have tried to trudge through some of these blogs to see how they started but I get to a point that I can hardly stand any more of the technical bullshit. I know that DID is not an easy subject to have or to write about but why oh why can’t I find one blog that tells it like it is in plain fucking English, I mean can a brother get a break here or what. No that doesn’t seem to be, I am not versed in all the medical mumbo jumbo that these sites are spouting out there, but what do I do I still try to read the damn things and then I get overwhelmed and just stop, just stop reading and resign myself to ignorance, don’t they say ignorance is bliss, right? I have come to a place today where I just don’t want to know anymore just stop feeding me technical jargon and tell me the fucking point, what it is that I need to do to start down this path to enlightenment, or is there even a fucking path to enlightenment? It is just so freaking frustrating that I give up, and while they talk a good talk what is it that they are really saying? I want to find one site or maybe more that tells the story from the beginning and goes from there, where are those sites?

yep this is me throwing a temper tantrum, a regular hissy fit

Don’t get me started on self help groups if you aren’t a drug addict or an over eater than you have no fucking chance; if they are around here they are meeting in secret. Sothis is my letter of intent, I don’t want to keep trying to find help that doesn’t seem to exist, I don’t want to read about doctors and therapists that claim on their websites that they take DID patients but when you start to read the profile none of them have had training with trauma patients. Or when you talk to their office personally they don’t handle DID patients. Well fuck you, I am looking for help needing help and you don’t do DID, well what do you do, money suckers. It makes me want to crawl back under the covers and just stay there, not go looking, don’t go reading and damn sure don’t want to call anymore offices. I will just stay here just like I am and not move forward, just backwards; it was so much better that way anyhow. So for all of you out there this is me saying I don’t want or need to get any better than I am, because the help isn’t out there. If they had not given me this damn diagnosis and left me alone with my different aspects then we wouldn’t try to gone looking for help in the first place, so fuck it I will just stay here in the house not shave, not shower and I damn sure don’t need help from these so called professionals. Done, finished, through with this. Yes I am throwing a fit and stomping around the house, hell if I could get away with it I might just throw myself on the floor and have a good old fashioned temper tantrum.


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