Its early again


I sit here awake again it is early and I have given up on all pretense of sleep, I sit and listen to the monitor by my head and know that for once in the last several weeks my wife is sleeping peacefully, and with that it gives me a measure of comfort. I have tried to sleep over the past 2 nights but have been unsuccessful in my endeavors, I don’t know why my mind races full of thoughts and I toss and turn in fitful ignorance, not understanding why I cannot rest. Something is there I don’t know what it is, could it be a fear, anger I am not sure but it won’t let me sleep the night thru. I have woken several times over the last couple of nights to find myself wandering the house just looking at my wife and my son. I find a measure of peace doing that and I do end up making my way back to my bed. It is funny that as I type this my fingers are so slow, hard to type and I am misspelling many simple words, leaving out letters and spelling the words backwards, I wonder am I the only one awake in the world right now, it feels that way to me and I also take peace in that, this is my time to be with my thoughts and feelings were I will have no intrusion of extraneous noises, except the damn monitor, but I even find a sort of peace with that. Why is it that I only find peace when half awake and groggy with sleep that I am depriving myself? I wish to fall into slumber and have dreams of open fields and sunny skies and to watch as that world unfolds before me, but it is not to be, I am awake and will be that way for awhile, would that I had someone to comfort

why hast thou forsaken me oh blissful sleep

me and to hold me right now I might fall back to sleep. But even that will not happen, I am not that kind of person you see, no cuddlier am I. it has been so long since I have had anyone sleep next to me and I am afraid that I am growing used to it, as where once I wouldn’t be able to sleep unless my wife were next to me. Do not get my wrong even though I miss my wife’s body next to me breathing and moving in slumber, I know that she is more comfortable where she is, and this bed makes her back hurt and to add that upon the other things that are bothering her is unjust and fair. So I sit here in the morning darkness and find some solitude and peace in my loneliness. Even my mother in-law looks peaceful in her slumber as I walk back to my room and feel no little jealously in the fact that she is asleep and not I. I wish I knew what is keeping me awake? I had no bad dreams that I am aware of I just remember tossing and turning for all of the night, body aching longing for rest, needing to rest. I don’t do well when I don’t sleep it makes my body and mind tired which leaves me open to all kinds of issues, like anxiety, anger and switching to others that will have to step forward to help me though my day, just to help me through my day. And so I write the only thing available to me this time of morning were I would dare not do anything to disturb the others in the household, least they wake and find themselves tired also and perhaps grumpy and irritable and in need of support themselves, and know this I cannot give it to them for I will need every bit I have to just get through my day.

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