No Subject Needed


I was going to write about how I feel today but I am afraid it will be another anger laden post with words of stress, rage and hurt; do I really want to write about this again? I feel like I have been run over by a truck today, I have been attacked, or a piece of me, or a part of me, or one of my aspects has been attacked, and by attacked I mean verbally and emotionally attacked and by my wife of all people. First she backlashes me for the way I acted at the SSA and actually does this on my blog, ok I understand that I was an ass and I thoroughly enjoyed it and just because I am not sorry she wants to Gibbs slap me, well first you weren’t there and went through what I did, it was irritating and demeaning and just plain ignorance on this woman’s part. I am glad that she posted on my blog about how she felt that I had treated this woman badly that is what the blog is for whether you agree or disagree please feel free to comment. I can live with that. What I can’t live with is the face book messages attacking my character and how she thought that, that part of me was evil, evil I was being evil. Ok, so apparently I have been treating her with a certain lack of respect, but not to my knowledge or in my actions towards her, or so I thought. I have done all the things she has asked of me from putting icy hot on her back to whatever she needs me to do, and I am acting evil this whole time, apparently I am not allowed to get upset, get irritated, or grit my teeth in her direction or she perceives me as evil, cant I just be in a bad mood or just irritable, apparently not she thinks because I am not acting all sunny and happy go lucky that I might hurt her, have I acted that way towards her in the last several weeks, hell for that matter months, NO. then she wants to tell me that she doesn’t want me to get worse, ok I can understand that but once again what is it besides being grumpy that has given you the idea that I am getting worse, does it ever cross your mind that I haven’t been sleeping and we have all become distanced for each other and we no longer function as a family, no I didn’t think that had crossed your mind. She keeps telling me that she wants to go back to the country, ok it supposedly helps her breathe better, I hear every day I don’t feel good, my chest is heavy and I hurt, ok I understand that and what are you doing to alleviate these symptoms? Besides telling me every time I come in there that you hurt I wonder if the fact that you keep yourself laying down all day on the couch aint helping one bit, but don’t say that to her it goes up her ass like a wire brush and she will stand her defense on the fact that the doctor told her to get rest and lots of it, ok I get that but does that mean to lay on the couch all day move to a chair and sit upright for a change, or just sit up on the couch I have seen you do that. And the sad part is that even in the country she complained about the same damn things oh my chest hurts, it is heavy, I don’t feel good. Well the country is not a good place for me emotionally, it is loud, stressful and sometimes down right hurtful, people and kids are running around the house screaming at the top of their lungs whether it is the kids playing, or their parents yelling at the kids or even each other for christ sakes. I can’t handle the wife she is a lazy no account bitch and leaves all of the work for him to do or for someone else to do hell she even has to be reminded to change the babies fucking diaper and you have to tell her more than once. And you want to go back there, fine you go I will stay right here, where I am close to my doctors and all the things I need. Goodbye, see ya later, catch you on the flip side, but wait who will wait on you hand and foot, Dylan, hell no, the rest of them nope dont think so, all you have is me and you had better get damn used to it.

I care about my wife’s health and I get very nervous when I see her sleeping all day long and that even then she is not rested, I know she is depressed and has yet to bring that up with her doctor she was supposed to the last time she went when they told her she had bronchitis again. I know she feels like she is a burden on all of us, but you see we don’t mind if we did we wouldn’t do anything to help and I would sleep like a baby in the night instead of listening to the fucking monitor to hear her move of even breath. But I am evil and she is scared of the anger aspect of me, your fucking a right he is hard to keep in check right now, I am tired, so fucking tired and it is harder for me to control my emotions, but she cannot or will not see this, everyday is spent making sure that she is taken care of and it leaves me with little time to work on myself, then on top of that she demands that I take the mood stabilizer, what if I don’t want to, did anyone ask me if I needed more drugs on top of all the other shit I take, no they didn’t but my wife knows that I really need it and is demanding that I take it, you take it and see how you feel as a guinea pig.

can you not take a minute and look around you at what other people are going through, can you not see the stress placed on others, take a minute and think a minute

I really thought that my wife was in the way to understanding what exactly I am going through but I now realize after the fight we had on face book that she still isn’t quite there yet and that makes me sad, yes she has been living with this for years and now we know what it is and yet she still doesn’t seem to understand. She has all the resources that I have and to be honest we don’t spend enough time together and right now today I am good with that, my whole fucking world revolves around her, and this also brings up a lot of bad juju for me from my past like listening for my mother’s snore in the middle of the night after her having 4 heart attacks just to make sure she is alive, and that my friends is one reason I want my son to sleep in his room so that he might relax more and sleep better, but she is not helping me with that and proved it last night by allowing him to stay awake at 430 in morning while talking about how I don’t understand why he does it, I am no fucking moron I do understand why he does it, what I don’t need is him filled with fear at night waking up just to see if his mother is dead, look what it did to me people. I am done for now, another rant in the books.

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