Explanation for my past behavior from a bit of a row

Well sorry about the let down folks, it seems that I have to explain my actions over the last week and give an accounting for every word, every deed and every reaction, so I will try to explain as best as I can.

First and let me be very clear about this, I do not feel as if I have treated my wife in any other manner than to help her and to get her what she needs. She has taken it upon herself to label me as being or acting evil, if I have to answer for my apparent issues over the last week then she needs to be clearer about how I am being evil. I come at her beck and call, I get her things to eat, things to drink and whatever else she requires at any given point and time. I have also become hard to approach because they don’t know how I will react, but does this stop her from asking me to do things for her, if I were so hard to approach then you sure don’t show it. If you want to air our dirty laundry on my blog then we will and yes I was the first to post our conversation on my blog, but it is a place for me to air my difficulties and to perhaps get some feedback from others if and I say if I am doing something wrong.

I have been acting different and I have been more agitated lately and I am working on that, not much you can do to help me in this process, it is something that I have to do internally, I have to figure out what is triggering me and what to do to calm myself down, with that said. Do you realize how much actual sleep I have had in the last week, want to take a guess, no? Ok I will tell you I have had less than 8 hours sleep in the last week, I am tired and the reason that I am tired is because I worry over you, I worry if you are eating enough, you need the calories in order for your body to fight off infections, I worry if you are getting enough to drink, especially water, it loosens the phlegm in your chest so that it will come out easier, I worry that you are not getting the right type of sleep, yes you sleep but is it good rim sleep, that will give your body the rest that it needs to recuperate, I worry that you are not getting enough oxygen to your lungs, is it enough or do you need more? These are the things I worry over constantly, and I lay in the bed listening to you, just so I can hear you move or if you are snoring, or if you get up and then I listen to see if you are ok, listen to hear if might fall, or get dizzy and have an exasperation, and only when you lay back down do I try to relax. So if I am grumpy / evil and I give you a look well don’t take it personal because it isn’t I am tired. I bought three rolls of chew and each roll has five cans in it, and I bought it on Monday, do you know how many cans I have left? One, I have one can of chew left, that is quite a lot of damn chew in five days I don’t even want to do the math on that, cause it will scare me. You wanted me to explain why I have been evil well there it is, I am not in control of my alters and they are screaming for me to let them out and the one that is in charge 99% of the time is anger, I haven’t figured out away to shut the anger down and let the others out to have a say or act in the way they want to. It is something I have no control of just like the blackouts that I have been having for the last week, they are mini but I am still having them and that scares me. I had one earlier when I was writing the other blog on me being a redneck, I blacked out long enough for my computer screen saver to come on it is set for 20 minutes, so I know I was out for at least that long and I had my finger on the “r” button and I typed 27 pages of nothing but r’s and I had a chew in and it was running down the back of my throat and now I am sick to my stomach, yuck this sucks. At this point and time I feel like I am not in control of my body, my emotions are in chaos and my mind runs a thousand miles per hour. And you know this because we had a talk about it the other night. So if I have been evil and I know that I have then I will say I am sorry, but not about the lady at SSA, she deserved what she got, I was feeling the same way at the doctor’s office and I didn’t let it out then, well maybe a little I will have to reread the post and see if it came out. I don’t think so Dr. Railey would have smacked me up side the noggin.  And really how can I say I am sorry for something I can’t control and is totally out of my hands, you know this, all I can do is watch for triggers and try to get more sleep, which aint going to happen and I don’t think I will be taking the Seraquil either, it is not that I don’t think I need it but if it knocks me out like the Zyprexa who will be there to help you in the middle of the night, it cannot and will not be our son. As far as me leaving if I can’t seem to get some control over myself it would be better for all of us if I weren’t around to actually hurt anyone either physically or emotionally I could not handle that, it would be just like my dad and I won’t let that happen, I will live in the woods by myself than to let that happen and you know that. We always said that our children and their safety come first. I am and will try my best to get this under control, and I would ask you to please in the future choose your words more wisely, that word was a trigger and I am damn sure that my response was warranted by my anger aspect. You see he was only protecting me from the harm that he perceived was happening to me.  And as far as no one putting any response out there on that post, well if you were a stranger and you read it would you have, I say bravo to my readers for not posting. In a way I would like to think that they knew it was an aspect of me and not that actual host writing that post, so I am glad that they didn’t respond to it. I have tried to explain my behavior for that post and the actions of the last week, if I have failed to do it properly then I don’t know another way to put it, I have done the best that I could, I really don’t think I need to apologize for something that wasn’t in my control but I will. Gerri Kaye I am sorry for acting like an ass this last week and I hope you will forgive me for being me and for not being in better control of my emotions and alters than I have been, also I am not sure how I am supposed to control the uncontrollable but I will try to do my best and if I am able I will let you know that this aspect is in control at the moment, again I don’t know how I will do that if he doesn’t communicate in a friendly manner, but I will try.


One Response to “Explanation for my past behavior from a bit of a row”

  1. honey i love you for trying. thank you for explaining and i hope understanding. you have to take your meds….you cannot go without them. you need sleep. look….if i need help i will get it. god will not let me sit here and die and not get the help….there are others…just like you tell dylan we also have mom. you need the meds to help you. its ironic we are both sick and do not want to either do something or take something that might cause us to not be able to help the other. have you noticed that.l well i promise to do everything i need to and you promise to please take the new meds..it will only take a few days for the effects to ease off. we can do this. we have to. we both need to escape to the countty dont we. we need a change. to answer your question i am hitting rim sleep finally that is why i cant wake up my body is soaking it up. So im getting all the sleep i can. i promise if i need you you will know it. there are other ears other than yours and dylans. if i have to throw something down the hall for attention i will.. ha haha meant to be a joke but i will do it if i have to. you need y our meds you will wake up if i need you. i know you will. you have to have faith. which i know is hard for you so i have it for both of us. i know you will wake up if i need you god or your guardian angel will make sure you hear me so stop worrying…i know you dont have the faith i do but you do have that faith in me….so rely on that. we can do this together all mediciations and everything.

Tell me what you think.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: