More about me and living with DID


You know I started this blog with the intentions of telling my story of living with DID and it looks like my very first post was about my SSI hearing and did not really tell of how I am living with DID. So I guess I will revisit this subject and try to tell you some of the difficulties that I am dealing with and how it impacts my life. I really appreciate that everyone has read that post but I have given you no information about it and me. I will try to tell you in my own words what it is like.

To me living with DID is like living in a small house with lots of people and I mean lots of people, imagine living in a 2 bedroom house with 15 or 20 people, now you are getting the idea, there is a lot of noise and someone is always moving around or talking or yelling to be heard, it is impossible to get a word in edge wise. Now on top of that you are always finding yourself in different places that you don’t know how you got there, let me explain that. I have what I call blackouts and truly that is what they are. When I am in an emotional or stressful or hell even when I really don’t think anything is going on, I have these blackouts. Let me explain a little further, one day while we were in the country it was loud in the house and kids were screaming trying to get their mothers attention, the TV was going and the whole world was in upheaval, way too much going on for me, especially with all the shit going on in my own head, I crave silence and solitude, it calls to me like a siren of the sea. Well on this particular day I had, had enough and I could feel myself starting to get more and angrier at all the noise and shit going on around me. Next thing I know I am still sitting in my chair and I was sweating to death my clothes were soaked and I didn’t know why, well this is what my wife told me about how I was acting. She said I stood up and walked out the back door and walked into the middle of the big yard and stood there looking off into the distance, staring at nothing, she said my hands were at my side and my fists were clenched so tightly that my knuckles were white, I stood with my feet slightly apart and was stand as though made of stone, I had a blank look on my face and didn’t say one word, she said I stood there for quite some time before I turned around and walked back to the house and back into the living room, where I looked at her and she called my name several times before answering her in a mono tone voice with no inflection in my voice what so ever, she said she was trying to get me to snap back into the present, and told me to go take my pills and I did and walked back to my chair and sat down because she told me to try to relax. Several minutes later I “woke” up and was looking around and was asking why I was so sweaty and Gerri explained what I had done.

Now this wasn’t the first nor the last blackout that I have had there have been many and some were very scary like the time I woke up on Interstate 65 headed south in the fast lane and ran out of gas, don’t know how I got there or where I was going but that’s where I ended up.

One other time I was in the grocery store in the frozen food section and this woman was calling me sir are you all right sir, and the manger was standing there talking to me and I had no idea how long I had been there or what I was supposed to be buying, the manger asked if he should call the ambulance and I explained that I was ok and that I just needed to go home which was just down the street, I did ask how long I had been standing there and the woman said for 15 minutes before I reacted to the sound of her voice, she thought I was having a seizure, I told her no it wasn’t a seizure and left the store. The manger of course offered to call an ambulance again and I reassured him that it was not necessary I was fine.

Well I will tell you of only one more of this type of incident and there have been many over the last year since I started my blackout log for my attorney. I was wanting a poplar pop from the local minute mart and I got in my van and was going to the mart, I remember pulling out of the drive going down the street and turning onto the main road where I needed to go and then nothing, until I woke up at Pic-Pac Grocery store in Fairdale, Kentucky which was in the opposite direction that I was heading in the first place and I was apparently grocery shopping with only 3 dollars in my pocket, I had a basket and in the basket when I “woke” were several cans of green beans, spaghetti noodles, spaghetti sauce and some Rotell diced tomatoes, I am thinking what the fuck am I doing here I was going for a polar pop for the local mart, and here I am in Pic-Pac shopping like it was a normal day. So I leave my cart and walk out the door get back in my van feeling just a little freaked out, but luckily there was the same mart across the street so I did get my polar pop and made it safely back to the house where my wife met me at the door and asked me what had happened, guess I was still white as a ghost from freaking out so I told her. Now I have not stopped driving and I am the only one in the house able to, but damn it gives me some fierce anxiety to do it, hell you never know where I will end up, next time it could be California, you never know.

Now onto what is like to live with other aspects of myself in my body, I don’t think they just inhabit my mind but they take control of my entire body. They act different and sound different and even write different than I do. To be honest the main one that comes out right now is anger, and as I have explained I think in several different blogs I don’t have names for my different aspects I just attribute them to the different emotions they take on or evoke. If they do have names I don’t want to know them, and they haven’t told them to me and if I try to switch to a different aspect such as sadness, it will poke its head out for a second but then the anger bullies its way to the front and takes full control of whatever is going on, and when this happens I know and feel the others get very resentful, and sometimes downright defensive and then it becomes a struggle inside of me for control, control of the emotions they let go and a big one is anger, mistrust of anger and defiance of anger, then there are the ones who hide in the corners in fear of all the emotions that are swirling around in my brain, and it swirls so fast that I get dizzy and disoriented badly. I end having to sit down or even sometimes try to get to sleep, and I have been in this state for the last week or so, hence the bit if a row with my wife. I feel bad that I am not able to control what is going on in my mind and that the anger is the biggest bully of them all, and I understand why he comes out. If I am in a rage then you can’t hurt me and I will definitely hurt you and sometime I can’t stop myself, and I realize that I am not angry at the person that I am taking it out on they might have only said a word or bumped into me at a bar, or in a grocery, only an accident that I should just brush off, but I have not been able to do that in the past week. And my wife is going to find this out one way or another I could never keep anything from her, so here goes. I ran into Patrick Norris an old friend of my in Wal-Mart today and he snuck up behind me and goosed me in the butt, and me being me I turned around and punched him straight in the mouth without realizing who it was, and I have to say the look on his face as he was sitting on the ground was, well it was a little shocked. And there I stood hovering over him for several minutes before it dawned on me who he was, man did I feel bad he didn’t know or even understand what frame of mind I was in, so I helped to pick him up off the floor and I started to apologize to him and he shook it and said that he should have called my name before touching me, and as we were talking Wal-Mart security surrounded us and in an instant we were back to back ready to take on the world, well needless to say all it took was Patrick showing his military ID and he explained he was just getting my goat and he was the one who got it in the end, well we laughed it off and he told me next time to pull my punch a little and he wouldn’t have a split lip, I felt bad for about 3 seconds, when I told him we had deployed before and knew better to sneak up on a fellow soldier, he just shook his head and asked how I was doing, and we had a long conversation about life in general, while glaring at the security officers they left in the area to see if we would continue the fight, we scared them more than they knew, not only from my quick reaction but from the fact that here we were in the middle of the produce section talking like the old friends we were. My thoughts after he left to go to sporting goods was a little sobering, what if that had been an innocent civilian instead of a former navy seal? So you see where my head has been the last week or so. I can’t seem to get my emotions under control and I snap at the least sense of wrong doing, I am wearing it like a badge of honor, or a chip on the shoulder sooner or later someone is going to knock it off and it is going to hurt like hell unless I can get it under control.

I want so much to talk of the other that are inside of me, I want them to come out and tell their stories, and share how they interact with me and my family, but until I get the anger either under control or he decides that there is nothing to protect me from me he won’t let that happen. And I and my family have to live with that, so I spend lots of time by myself and limit my interactions with them to the bare minimum, it is not only hurting me but my son and wife as well.

I wanted to say to the other aspects of me, I know you are in there and to please be patient with me you will get your time and place to be heard, just hold on a little bit longer.

Living with DID is a very strange and wonderful thing, you have friends and enemies inside your own head, not all of them like you and not all of them want to share with you

always fearing, never knowing, always running, no looking behind

and it will be a work in progress to reveal all of them, besides the anger that you have met, and I hope that when I can get the anger under control that they will visit and visit often, I  know the child that I used to be is in there but is scared as hell to show his face to me, I cry for that little boy quite often and I thinks he knows how much I miss him,

we had to grow up and learn very fast how to defend ourselves, how to outsmart others and to think for ourselves, we never got to be a child, we were always in fear of what was and what might happen so we had to learn to adapt to the situation in less than a second, just before the evil would begin, we learned how to avoid detection from the fear giver, we moved in shadows when the fear giver was around, if he didn’t see you he couldn’t hurt you. We are still doing that today but we are hiding in our mind now, you see the fear giver is dead and he cannot touch us again except in our head. The skills I learned as a child helped me greatly in my military career, you never knew I was there unless I wanted you too, and that Romeo Serria and I share a very similar childhood and he learned the same skills I did just makes us all the more dangerous to others. Other than our set of morals we would be public enemy number one, we are smart, skilled and know things that would scare the shit out of every day people. We would have won the hunger games quickly

Advertisements

Tell me what you think.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: