One more explanation is needed it seems to me


I am writing again, hope you don’t mind, it seems a lot is going on in my head today. I will once again say that everything I have done or will do today will turn to shit. I am tired, I don’t know if I can handle much more of the way I am feeling, I don’t understand where it is coming from, I don’t understand why I am angry today or yesterday or hell even the whole week. I feel like I am being attacked from every avenue and there is no escape from it what so ever, every way I turn seems to lead me deeper into the abyss that is anger. I sit and think and wonder why am I angry and the response that seems to come up is I am angry because I can be, that makes no sense to me, I have to dig deeper and the harder I try to look inside of me the angrier I seem to get, it is like pushing up against a wall and the wall pushing back. I have gone back in my memory to see if someone has said or done something to cause a trigger and the only thing I have come up with is when my wife called me evil, can I still be upset about that, I thought that I had gotten past that. No I don’t think it is that, so I have kept looking, knowing that I don’t have a great short term memory. I just can’t seem to find the answer. There is nothing special or wrong with this time of year, nothing bad has happened that I know if and yet I am still feeling very angry. I don’t understand and it is causing issues with not only me but my family as well, I go from raging about things not done to accusing my wife if losing herself worth and hurting her feelings in the process, this is not usually like me and I seem to be getting worse. I have voiced my outrage at not feeling like anyone is listening to me, could that be it I wonder? I don’t think so, am I trying to bring up a repressed memory something that maybe working its way through my mind to the fore front and needs to be addressed? Could be I just don’t know, perhaps that is why I am angry, this memory that is coming and my mind and emotions know I am not equipped to deal with it at this point and time, that I don’t have the tools or a safe place in which to express myself. The only thing that people here see is that I am angry and lashing out, but do they ever stop to wonder why, no they don’t all they see is me being angry and for what looks like no reason. I need help, I need reassurance that I am going to be ok, and all I get is scowls and disappointment and recriminations about my anger.

My wife seems to think I am angry at her for still being sick and not being able to do things the way she used to de them, that is not true. My son thinks I am angry at him because he doesn’t think he can do anything right in my eyes, well that is not true either. But no one ever stops to look at me and to take the time to see if I am ok, I worry over them and seem to get nothing in return, except for the backlash of me being angry. How many times do I have to explain to people, including my own family that I have no control over my emotions right now, it is out of my control and I don’t know what I can do to get it back under my control, except separate myself from the rest of them and wait, and see what happens, if I happen to spontaneously explode into a million pieces then it will be over, not likely to happen but it is a thought. It is sending me in another downward spiral, it is funny they could accept that I was suicidal and wanted to kill myself and they could understand my depression but this, this is not something they can seem to understand, raw uncontrolled emotion that is coming out of every pore in my body, if I were crying all the time would they understand that, what about if I were happy all the time would that freak them out, what if I walked around un a funk all day not talking to no one would they understand that, I think they could handle all of these things, but not the anger, it is here it is real and this is what I am feeling and I am sorry that it isn’t one of those other things that I just mentioned before but it is anger and no you don’t have to live with it but I do and all  can do is say I am sorry for the way I am acting, this is something I need to go through. Why am I writing this instead of just telling her to her face? Well it seems I am better able to communicate through words right now instead of verbally. Please understand I don’t want to be this way but for right now this is how I am. I am sorry, perhaps I should just leave and be by myself till the anger goes away, if that is what is needed then I will go. All I seem to be doing over the last several days is writing scathing posts of anger and then posts that try to explain what has happened and that is once again what I am doing here, I am tired of trying to explain, I am tired of saying I am sorry, for things I have no control over, and never had to begin with. What I need is some understanding and a little patience to work through this, but it doesn’t seem that I will get what I need for I am forever giving to others what they need with nothing in return, but the looks of anger returned for words spoken in anger.

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