And now for the bottom line…..


Ok this is what I call the bottom line folks, I am at the bottom now I have to choose to either stay on the bottom and do nothing or climb my way back up out of the pit, knowing that there will be times that I may slip and fall, sometimes right back to the bottom. I am weary and heart sick and it has come time for me to make the dreaded conclusion. Do I need help or do I just sit and stir in my own juices, destroying everything and everyone I love, or do I tackle the fear and meet it head on and go out into the world and find the help I need in order to maintain some semblance of a normal life, to be productive again, to have energy to do things that need to be done.

The problem is I am scared, scared of even trying to start down the road to do the things I need to become one with life again, I am hiding in a little room where no one bothers me and I only take responsibility for little things just little things. I am scared to look for a therapist, due to the fact that he or she is going to ask the really hard questions about me that I have given before, and it is difficult to answer all of those questions, it is a trigger before it even starts. On top of that what if the first therapist doesn’t work out and then I have to look for another. The same process begins all over again. Here I am this cowboy, this soldier, this man who is scared to death of telling his story. Well how do you suppose I get the help I know I need if I don’t tell the story? They are going to want to know. And I sit here and do nothing all the while I get off handed looks from my wife making sure I am not angry, my son hesitantly knocks on my door in case I decide to rip his head off verbally. I see what not doing anything is causing and yet I still sit here and do anything. One other thing I am scared of is being misdiagnosised again, it took me years to figure out what was wrong in the first place, and now I have to be seen and heard by another, and if they decide I am not DID then what is wrong with me, I don’t want to be given medication for bi-polar or schizophrenia again, it really wasn’t pleasant and I know that I don’t have either of those maladies. I was misdiagnosised with them already once before I saw Dr. S I don’t want to go through all of those tests again, I don’t want them fucking around with my medication again. I have had quite enough of that for one life, but that is what they are going to want to do again is run their tests and change my medications yet again. So I ask again do I not do anything and lose everything I have and love or do I go out and try to face the world and get some help. I know that I don’t want to go back to the hospital that is for sure, and I don’t want to be rediagnosised, I can’t handle anymore of that, I won’t handle anymore of that.

here i sit in my own world of shit i have created

So I sit and I fear and I get angry, and I get scared, and I feel my world unraveling around me as I sit and type this. If I could just get my anger under control perhaps I will not need to go and get another doctor and a therapist, and yet that is not the truth either. Part of it is I don’t want to really leave the house, and yet again I am not telling the whole truth in that, I can leave the house if I am out of dip or need Diet Pepsi or my much coveted Star Crunches man I can eat a whole box of them suckers all by myself. Do you know I haven’t showered in over a week, that I haven’t shaved in longer than that, I did take my son for a haircut yesterday and got one myself and a beard trim so I don’t look like a mountain man, see I can do that but ask me to go to therapy and I will become as stubborn as a mule, and I have to keep reminding myself to brush my damn teeth. Literally I am falling apart and everyone around me can see it, I haven’t even changed my jeans in a week, and don’t ask me about my underwear cause I really don’t know, disgusting right and yet even as I read this I could give a fuck less, I don’t care even if I do stink I can’t smell myself so fuck anybody who can. But who really cares about the trials and tribulations of one man except his family right? Shouldn’t that be enough to force me to get my ass moving, NO.? because I only do enough of the right things so that I go unnoticed, I am left to myself all the time, partly out of fear and partly because everyone else has their own issues to deal with. I did get my Medicare card yesterday so insurance is not a problem. And my wife does mention to me once in a while about going to therapy, but she is wrapped up in getting herself better and trying to get herself back to a semblance of normalcy that I just mumble a reply and she either goes back to what she was doing or falls asleep again and I am left to wander the corridors of my mind by myself again,, with no one the wiser that I am not doing what I am supposed to do to help myself, hell even my son is so off in his own world that he pretty much leaves me alone, except when he wants a new game for his Xbox. So I sit in my own little castle of misery eating Star Crunches and drinking Diet Pepsi and moaning to a blog about things I should be doing instead of doing them. What a life, hell I don’t eat right I have lost 40 lbs in the last 3 months (I think) just because food has no taste or meaning other than to provide energy for myself pity, and when I do eat it is very little and only once a day otherwise I suck nutrition out of the very air I breathe. My wife has seen it and noticed, my PCP has seen it and noticed it and asked about it and I told him I had no desire for food and that I was eating once a day and no it wasn’t the Adderall that was causing the problem, I just am not interested in food. One thing I have noticed about the Seraquil is that is does increase my appetite some, but due to the lack of interest in eating that don’t help much. Man what a pity party for me right? If I aint raging against my own mind and the world around me then I feel like I am seeking pity from those around me. And yet who would feel pity on the man that may have just minutes ago blasted them with withering anger, would you, hell no I wouldn’t either. So it is all up to me, sit and stink and not do anything about my sorry excuse for a life or go and find what I need to help me on the right path. Most of you are braver than I am out there and have found the help you need to move in some kind of direction but still here I sit making excuses for all the reasons I cannot and will not go. Well at least I finally put a shirt on today even if it was for dinner.

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

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5 Responses to “And now for the bottom line…..”

  1. SPECIAL KAYE Says:

    well i will input here…i have been trying to just let you voice what you wanna voice,,,but i just wanted to say i do agree with B and noladreams….. but of course you know how i feel… i love you and i want us to live again. so is this what it will take to help you? ‘one step at a time one thing at a time and one day at a time’….but you have to take the step i cant do it for you on this. i know you CAN do this. i know it is hard and you really don’t want to. our path is laid now.. no judgements but you have to be healthy…you would tell me the same. right? we have children to be healthy for not just for ourselves. i am not sure if that is the wrong thing to say or not. but know i am here for you…holding your hand if needed.

  2. I just started seeing a clinical psychologist. I am scared to face my own guilt. The thing is, print off this page and hand it over to whomever you decide to visit. Let them know you have to start off from the distance, and if that person is qualified and good at his/her job they should guide you at just the right speed. My Psych. doc spends the time needed in comfortable conversation and really takes an interest in me, and I just have the gut feeling that he is taking the right direction with me. So, I’m letting him lead the way just to see where it goes.

    Terribly uncomfortable, though, for one who denies ever having lived. Hope my p.o.v. helps.

  3. Bourbon Says:

    I know it is hard… and the fear is overwhelming… and the thought of telling your stories makes you want to curl up in a ball and hibernate forever… but as you say you’re doing this for those around you too and i think that is important. a big reason i’m in therapy is because i want better relationships. you can do it x

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