Archive for June, 2012

Up date on the wife

Posted in Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on June 30, 2012 by dankline2000

Ok guys I am going to update you on da wife, she came home last night I am not sure about the time cause I was blasted into dream land, but I did find out this morning that she is alright and was in respiratory distress, they gave here some pain meds and a steroid shot in the butt which she always loves (sarcasm), and they sent her home with all kinds of scripts and she has pleurisy in her right upper lung, but she is feeling better today so we will go on from here, she will probably add more to this because I wasn’t there, still feel like a horses ass for not being able to go, but I will get over it.

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

My wife is in the hospital

Posted in Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on June 29, 2012 by dankline2000

Sorry to bring you all some bad news but Gerri was taken to the hospital in respiratory distress, earlier tonight, see went to a local clinic and they said she was in distress and sent her by ambulance to Adoboun Hospital here in  Louisville, Kentucky. I was unable to go with her due to the fact that I had taken 3mg of Xanax, I was in a very angry place earlier and needed to get myself calmed down, and now of course I feel like I have abandoned her, her mother and Dylan took her and I don’t know what is going on and I can’t get a hold of anyone as of yet so I don’t know what is happening to her, I am not there to hold her hand when she is in pain, all I can seem to do at this point is wait, and well I don’t think that it would be a good idea for me to drive to the hospital in my condition, so what happens I feel like shit and it makes me mad, very mad but the anger is not strong enough to break through the medications and give me the clarity I need to get in my car and race to my wife’s side. So I started a fight with one of Daniels my oldest sons apparent friends, don’t really know why except he is a male chauvinistic asshole that degrades women, he is 37 years old, fat and works as a bouncer, just what I want to do at 37, I wonder if he still live in his mothers basement, now that would be funny. I will keep you all updated as to what is happening to Gerri as soon as I get any information.

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

Hang on people, it just gets better

Posted in Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , on June 29, 2012 by dankline2000

Man aint I just a kick in the pants, I couldn’t stay on a topic if you held a gun to my head, can you even figure out where I was going with that last post because I sure cant. Hang on people it is going to be a bumpy ride.

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

Another conversation with Dan

Posted in Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , on June 29, 2012 by dankline2000

I had a friend once that told me my environment was an extension of my subconscious state of mind. And he was right, as he told me this one day over the phone I started to look around at the area of my house that I most occupied, my bedroom. It was total and utter chaos, things were piled around haphazardly, pile of clothing needed to be put away and there was paper and trash on the floor and all manner of things. I tried to clean it up but I never got very far before giving up, and I see the same thing happening here at my mother in laws and I don’t want that to happen here I need a clean space to help with clearing my mind, now with that said the space I occupy here is not as dirty as my own house was but yet it is still cluttered and it is a small place, there are things like electrical cords all over the place, all of my wife’s makeup and other various shit of hers is on the vanity not put in any type of order, there are little things that make this area cluttered, and I can’t stand it, but what have I done about it. I need to dust the furniture it is amazing how much dust a ceiling fan creates.

I wish to reconnect with this friend but I think that time has passed, he is a Shaman and a very gifted person, with whom I connected with for awhile, I think that it is more my fault than any others as to why this friendship has not continued. I am not a very good friend, and not because I don’t want to be, it is just hard for me to keep in touch with anyone else, it is hard enough to keep in contact with myself. I have tried but I am failing right now as a friend, I have tried to call Stephen, knowing his mother is ill and have yet to hear back from him, and yet he is always the one to call me.

Why is it that my posts seem to start on one subject and yet they evolve into something else entirely?

Well I guess I will continue on this line of thought, because I can’t remember where the other line was going. I am not sure of Stephens sincerity as a friend, it is usually about him and what he wants, and things never get around to me, he refuses to acknowledge my illness and thinks that all I need to do is Cowboy Up, drink more beer and hang around him, he is very  selfish in that way, he got upset when I moved to the country for my wife and stayed with Russel, he didn’t like that I would not be at his beck and call, you see he is single and he is the type that will call on a Saturday night around 9pm and say get dressed we are going to the bar, I mean I am all for going to the bar, but dude I have a family and I just can’t get up and take off on a moment’s notice just because you want to look for a wife for the night, I have to plan things, basically get permission or at least let my wife know what I am doing, and really if you wanted to go to the bar couldn’t you have called my earlier than right now let’s go kind of thing, he has not gotten that simple fact in the whole time I have known him. I am not single and cannot come and go as I please and it has gotten worse now that my wife is sick, and it is not that she doesn’t want me to go out and have a few beers with my friend, it is that she knows with Stephen I will be out till 4 in the morning going from place to place when he can’t find what he is looking for. And like I said I like to go to the bar, but I am not a bar hopper never have been, but yet even when I was a young single man I was never a bar hopper and if this is off putting well then it is, I never went out with the intention of getting a piece of ass, I just didn’t go looking for it. I was there to hang out with my buddies and drink cold beer and enjoy the band or dare I say it karaoke. And well that made me more successful at getting women than my buddies, even though I usually turned them down, oh ya I would twirl them around the dance floor once or twice but that piece of ass was never the goal, I did get my fair share but I never ever once went looking for it. Even now when Stephen and I do go to the bar and her is in his hunter mode and I am just there, doing my own thing oblivious to the world I still get more women that ask me to dance or strike up a conversation, sometimes I dance and all of the time I tell them I am married, and I get this, why are all the good ones married, well because we

ah yes they serve my favorite beer in this joint

found a good woman who would marry our sorry asses, needless to say I have tried to impart some of my wisdom to Stephen about not trying so hard but he never seems to listen, it really works and I am not bragging here, most women hate it when you look at them like a piece of meat, they can’t stand it, but when you are just there for the band, the beer and your buddies and are really not looking for a piece of ass then 9 out 10 times a woman will come up to you wondering why you haven’t paid them one bit of attention, sorry I am not looking for a relationship, one night stand or even to buy you a drink, I am not being a dick on purpose but I didn’t come here for that. And I have to say why go out for burgers when you have filet mingon at home, can I get a witness. I can’t believe I am going to tell you this one, even when I went to a gay bar with my gay brother I got hit on twice as many times as he did, but I passed on my little jewel of wisdom don’t go looking and it will come to you. And yes they all knew I was straight but that didn’t stop them for buying me drinks or trying to dance with me, hell I was there with my mother and brother, not trolling for a piece of ass, at least David took my words of wisdom to heart started to relax and enjoy himself and when that happened he was the main attraction of the night. So know you know my philosophy about how to get chicks or guys at the bar, and that was not the point of this discussion but hey it might help you out one day, and believe me on this one women really love a well dressed cowboy, we are talking boots, semi tight jeans, always leave a little room for the imagination, a nice button up collared shirt, with t-shirt underneath and a nice looking buckle and a clean cowboy hat, make sure you shave and put on your smell goods. When you enter the bar do so like you own the place even if it is the first time you have been there, always know where the exits and the bathroom are at all times and if you can try to keep your back to a wall never a window, open floor or a door, and if you can’t don’t get paranoid just make sure to keep a respectful eye on your surroundings at all times. Just one more jewel of knowledge for all of you out there. Wait I aint done with this yet, make sure you iron or press your shirt, nice crisp edges, it may not help with the ladies but it will make you feel better about your appearance, and for goodness sakes don’t iron your jeans it make you look like a retard, and we all aint George Strait he can get away with it you can’t. And this will happen, it does to me all the time, eventually a woman will ask you if you are a real cowboy, your response to this should be to ask what her definition of a real cowboy is because I guarantee it will be different from yours, and be honest because unless you have been there and done that you aren’t a real cowboy, I happen to be a real cowboy, I grew up on 4000 acres in the middle of the Mugion Mountain in New Mexico and all we did was raise horses I spent more time with my ass in a saddle than I ever did just walking around. Ok back to the ladies and the question mostly you are an urban cowboy that watches to much rodeo channel and westerns, but that don’t mean that you can’t be a cowboy, a cowboy is this, he is good to the environment, good to women, that means treating them with respect and courtesy, that means you stand for what you believe in and will defend it with your life if necessary. And that is just a little about what it is that makes you a cowboy, it is in the way you walk, talk, what you drink and how you think. Don’t but any drink with a little umbrella in it, even if you are gay, it  just does not fit, kind of like an elevator in an outhouse it just don’t go (name the movie win a prize). Women are going to ask if you can ride a horse, for them all cowboys can ride a horse, if you can then say yes if you can’t well don’t lie about it, it will make you look like a jerk and women know when men are lying trust me on this, even if they just met you. Some will ask if you smoke cigarettes, again tell the truth, for me it is as easy as pulling that can of dip out of my back pocket and say does this count and usually they will giggle and say yes, don’t act like or try to tell a woman that you were a bronco rider or a bull rider unless you can back it up with facts, remember women will know when you are lying. I myself have green broke horses myself but I have never been in a rodeo or a bronco rider or a bull rider and I explain that I spent enough time getting my ass handed to me by horses just green breaking them and riding them every day, horses can be assholes when they want to be, and that is all of the time, you have to be in charge of the horse you are riding, and try to ride the same horse every time it will let you get acquainted and you and the horse will know what to expect from each other and develop an understanding of what is expected of the other. Sometimes this doesn’t work out that way, I was lucky and had two of my own horses to ride, mostly Ash called that because of his dark grey color, he and I worked well together and respected each other and if you think I am kidding then you haven’t been around horses much, he used to let me know when I was fucking up or when he needed something, it was maybe a short straight hop or a nip at my pant leg, and no I didn’t wear chaps this aint a Clint Eastwood movie, I did wear spurs but horses really don’t like to be kicked in the stomach with sharp pointy things and they will damn sure let you know. Back to the women, they will respect you more and you will respect yourself more if you are honest with them than try to fill their pretty little heads with bullshit. Trust me on this men we think we have them fooled but we really don’t and that is our problem right there, if you approach a woman think of it like approaching a horse let them see you and let them watch you before you make well, I guess your move, and when you do don’t be an ass and say stupid shit, that just shows ignorance and will put her off right away, just say hello my name is you fill in the blank, and for damns sake don’t get pissed off if she isn’t interested, you have to realize how many assholes have already come up to her and hit on her just for a piece of ass, and well most of the time it pisses women off, all those players and haters and whatever’s, remember it is not personal she is not being a bitch to you, maybe she is having a bad day, maybe she just wants a drink and sit and absorb for a bit and loosen up a little, you don’t know you aren’t in her mind, but I see it happen all the guys get pissed because she turned them down, if she does give her space and don’t harp on her for being a stuck up whore or bitch, once again you don’t know her and you don’t know what is going on  in her head. You know what come back later after she has relaxed a little and let her hair down and try again you might be surprised, it’s been known to happen. I know why I am telling you this, it is because every time I go out with Stephen he is on the hunt for a piece of ass, and I feel that women can tell that just from the way he watching and looking and well his attitude, it radiates from him like ya I am going to give you some dick tonight and you’re going to love it. It don’t matter how many times I try to tell him to sit back relax and enjoy himself and when the time comes then make a move, don’t force it, it aint going to work. I am by nature a people watcher and I have sat in many a bar and just watched what was going on around me and you know women watch as well, they have spotted you and they see you, but are you going to turn out like 99% of the rest of the assholes at the bar, to them the answer is yes you are, especially if you have that hungry I want some ass look to you. Man I just can’t tell you enough you might be a horny goat but if that vibe is out there than every woman except that really dunk one will pick up on that vibe, I see it with Stephen, I saw it with Ramon, I saw it with Patrick and all my other friends except Schmitty, he is like me that is why I like going to the bar with him, we just settle in and sit and bullshit and drink beer and invariably it happens to one or the other we get hit on, or talked to or have a drink bought for us, and both of us are married, and I think that women know that to, they don’t even have to see the ring on the finger to know. Well I have bored you with enough advice on bar etiquette so I will leave you for now.

Hell I don’t claim to know the mind of a women, I can barely understand my own mind. Everything I have written has been due to my observations and my people watching, man that is so much fun. Truth be told I couldn’t get laid even if I crawled up a chicken ass and waited. Many of these things do and have happened but I aint no player far from it, I just sit and enjoy myself, and don’t let the bullshit of other people disturb that setting I have placed myself into

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

Rekindling an old friendship, fellowship in fear and anger

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on June 28, 2012 by dankline2000

So let’s talk you and I, what do you want to talk about?

Well let’s talk about you and me for starters.

Ok what about you and me?

When did we first meet?

When I was a very young boy and was very scared of the world around me. Would you like to put a year and a place to it? I don’t think that I can. It was a very long time ago.

Why did I first appear?

You first appeared because I was unable to deal with the things that were happening to me and my family. You sheltered me from the fear giver and showed me how to be as unobtrusive as I could possibly be. A mouse in a great big house.

Did you know my name right away or did it come to you later in?

I think, I have always known your name, but you having a name was scary for me, if you had a name then you were real, and that meant you were really there but I could not see you.

If I wasn’t really there who thought you all the coping skills you acquired?

You did, you warned me when the fear giver was in the mood and reminded me of things that I could or couldn’t do to keep the fear giver away from me, or showed me how to slip past the fear giver so he could not see me and I could escape to the outdoors and hide in the woods until it was safe.

So you agree that I did teach you these things, correct?

Why are you asking these questions in that tone of voice, what have I done wrong to make you doubt my belief. I know you have been there for me at different times in my life with the quick warning, and the staying of my hand. There were also times I didn’t need you so I thought you had fled from my mind to help someone other than me, or at least I hoped you did.

I never left you, I knew you would need me the rest of our life, and you need me now whether you want to believe it or not. The anger you have manifested has run completely through your mind and body and is eating at your very soul. You didn’t think I wouldn’t come and save you again?

If I need saving then you have to be real at least in my mind, you cannot exist any other place and that scares me more than it did when I was a child, I am a grow man, I need to do this the right way and not hide from it or defend from it, and yet I sit here in fear and do nothing.

this is what i picture in my mind that he looks like, i wonder if he were here and i looked in the mirror if this isnt the face i would see

That is why I am back, perhaps together we can hold the anger and fear back long enough to put you on a path of help, instead of not doing anything and sitting in fear, what is it that you want to do?

I want to get the anger and fear under control and to find some normalcy in my life, I don’t want to hurt the ones I love anymore, and not even you can get me to stop chewing tobacco so stop trying, it is my one and only vice except Star Crunches, let me at least have that. I don’t do drugs anymore; I barely drink so I this is my one vice and I believe I will keep it for now.

My turn to ask a question, I have been in turmoil for years and now you come back, why now all of the sudden?

I have come back when I feel you have need of me the most, you are like a very bright candle that is burning way to fast, the longer you hold onto the anger the faster you will burn out, and as you said in one of your poems you not done here yet. You have a family that needs you and you can grantee that one of your older children will be back into your house hold in a short amount of time,

Again I have lost the connection with him again, due to gun fire in the neighborhood and my dumbass son wanting to go out back before I could make sure things were ok, sounded like 9mm shot fired from an extended 15 round magazine followed by shotgun fire a little further down, leave it an assumed gun battle to snap me out of anything, bullet makes a distinctive whine as it passes close to your body and I damn sure don’t want my son in the open if someone is shooting, especially if it was amateurs.

The picture on the right brings to mind the person in my head, who would be better to teach a young boy how to be silent and to listen to what was going on around him, to sense danger and to avoid it with stealth like abilities, and it would tie into my lineage with the Cherokee part of me, or was it the imagination of a young boys mind. I would like to think both are true,

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

PS. italics are him and normal font is my answers

And now for the bottom line…..

Posted in Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on June 28, 2012 by dankline2000

Ok this is what I call the bottom line folks, I am at the bottom now I have to choose to either stay on the bottom and do nothing or climb my way back up out of the pit, knowing that there will be times that I may slip and fall, sometimes right back to the bottom. I am weary and heart sick and it has come time for me to make the dreaded conclusion. Do I need help or do I just sit and stir in my own juices, destroying everything and everyone I love, or do I tackle the fear and meet it head on and go out into the world and find the help I need in order to maintain some semblance of a normal life, to be productive again, to have energy to do things that need to be done.

The problem is I am scared, scared of even trying to start down the road to do the things I need to become one with life again, I am hiding in a little room where no one bothers me and I only take responsibility for little things just little things. I am scared to look for a therapist, due to the fact that he or she is going to ask the really hard questions about me that I have given before, and it is difficult to answer all of those questions, it is a trigger before it even starts. On top of that what if the first therapist doesn’t work out and then I have to look for another. The same process begins all over again. Here I am this cowboy, this soldier, this man who is scared to death of telling his story. Well how do you suppose I get the help I know I need if I don’t tell the story? They are going to want to know. And I sit here and do nothing all the while I get off handed looks from my wife making sure I am not angry, my son hesitantly knocks on my door in case I decide to rip his head off verbally. I see what not doing anything is causing and yet I still sit here and do anything. One other thing I am scared of is being misdiagnosised again, it took me years to figure out what was wrong in the first place, and now I have to be seen and heard by another, and if they decide I am not DID then what is wrong with me, I don’t want to be given medication for bi-polar or schizophrenia again, it really wasn’t pleasant and I know that I don’t have either of those maladies. I was misdiagnosised with them already once before I saw Dr. S I don’t want to go through all of those tests again, I don’t want them fucking around with my medication again. I have had quite enough of that for one life, but that is what they are going to want to do again is run their tests and change my medications yet again. So I ask again do I not do anything and lose everything I have and love or do I go out and try to face the world and get some help. I know that I don’t want to go back to the hospital that is for sure, and I don’t want to be rediagnosised, I can’t handle anymore of that, I won’t handle anymore of that.

here i sit in my own world of shit i have created

So I sit and I fear and I get angry, and I get scared, and I feel my world unraveling around me as I sit and type this. If I could just get my anger under control perhaps I will not need to go and get another doctor and a therapist, and yet that is not the truth either. Part of it is I don’t want to really leave the house, and yet again I am not telling the whole truth in that, I can leave the house if I am out of dip or need Diet Pepsi or my much coveted Star Crunches man I can eat a whole box of them suckers all by myself. Do you know I haven’t showered in over a week, that I haven’t shaved in longer than that, I did take my son for a haircut yesterday and got one myself and a beard trim so I don’t look like a mountain man, see I can do that but ask me to go to therapy and I will become as stubborn as a mule, and I have to keep reminding myself to brush my damn teeth. Literally I am falling apart and everyone around me can see it, I haven’t even changed my jeans in a week, and don’t ask me about my underwear cause I really don’t know, disgusting right and yet even as I read this I could give a fuck less, I don’t care even if I do stink I can’t smell myself so fuck anybody who can. But who really cares about the trials and tribulations of one man except his family right? Shouldn’t that be enough to force me to get my ass moving, NO.? because I only do enough of the right things so that I go unnoticed, I am left to myself all the time, partly out of fear and partly because everyone else has their own issues to deal with. I did get my Medicare card yesterday so insurance is not a problem. And my wife does mention to me once in a while about going to therapy, but she is wrapped up in getting herself better and trying to get herself back to a semblance of normalcy that I just mumble a reply and she either goes back to what she was doing or falls asleep again and I am left to wander the corridors of my mind by myself again,, with no one the wiser that I am not doing what I am supposed to do to help myself, hell even my son is so off in his own world that he pretty much leaves me alone, except when he wants a new game for his Xbox. So I sit in my own little castle of misery eating Star Crunches and drinking Diet Pepsi and moaning to a blog about things I should be doing instead of doing them. What a life, hell I don’t eat right I have lost 40 lbs in the last 3 months (I think) just because food has no taste or meaning other than to provide energy for myself pity, and when I do eat it is very little and only once a day otherwise I suck nutrition out of the very air I breathe. My wife has seen it and noticed, my PCP has seen it and noticed it and asked about it and I told him I had no desire for food and that I was eating once a day and no it wasn’t the Adderall that was causing the problem, I just am not interested in food. One thing I have noticed about the Seraquil is that is does increase my appetite some, but due to the lack of interest in eating that don’t help much. Man what a pity party for me right? If I aint raging against my own mind and the world around me then I feel like I am seeking pity from those around me. And yet who would feel pity on the man that may have just minutes ago blasted them with withering anger, would you, hell no I wouldn’t either. So it is all up to me, sit and stink and not do anything about my sorry excuse for a life or go and find what I need to help me on the right path. Most of you are braver than I am out there and have found the help you need to move in some kind of direction but still here I sit making excuses for all the reasons I cannot and will not go. Well at least I finally put a shirt on today even if it was for dinner.

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

Ok who did it…..

Posted in Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , on June 28, 2012 by dankline2000

The weirdest thing has been happening to me for the last week and a half. Everyday sometimes once other times multiple, I have had this company calling me about male enhancement products, I mean really. And they are very insistent about giving their speech to me and I tell them the entire time they are talking and giving their explanation about the products that I am not interested, but they continue to talk like I am listening to them and by this time I am yelling into my phone I didn’t ask for this and to take me off their calling list. they just called not even 5 seconds ago, I think they are trying to wear me down, thinking that if keep calling I will just give in, I have asked them to take me off their calling list, but that doesn’t seem to be working. Could they be telling me something that they know and I don’t, do I really need male enhancement? It appears that they got my cell number from somewhere don’t know where but they got it and are burning up my phone. Male enhancement ya it is a side effect of all the meds I am taking but damn I am still a young man people. perhaps I should call them back and ask them about feminine hygiene products as it always is a foreign sounding woman who calls and I swear it the same woman. Man these people aren’t stoppable I just know today or tomorrow they will call back. I just want to know which of you gave them my cell phone number, come on fess up.

With much gratitude and deveotion,

Dan Kline