Archive for June, 2012

Another conversation with Dan

Posted in Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , on June 29, 2012 by dankline2000

I had a friend once that told me my environment was an extension of my subconscious state of mind. And he was right, as he told me this one day over the phone I started to look around at the area of my house that I most occupied, my bedroom. It was total and utter chaos, things were piled around haphazardly, pile of clothing needed to be put away and there was paper and trash on the floor and all manner of things. I tried to clean it up but I never got very far before giving up, and I see the same thing happening here at my mother in laws and I don’t want that to happen here I need a clean space to help with clearing my mind, now with that said the space I occupy here is not as dirty as my own house was but yet it is still cluttered and it is a small place, there are things like electrical cords all over the place, all of my wife’s makeup and other various shit of hers is on the vanity not put in any type of order, there are little things that make this area cluttered, and I can’t stand it, but what have I done about it. I need to dust the furniture it is amazing how much dust a ceiling fan creates.

I wish to reconnect with this friend but I think that time has passed, he is a Shaman and a very gifted person, with whom I connected with for awhile, I think that it is more my fault than any others as to why this friendship has not continued. I am not a very good friend, and not because I don’t want to be, it is just hard for me to keep in touch with anyone else, it is hard enough to keep in contact with myself. I have tried but I am failing right now as a friend, I have tried to call Stephen, knowing his mother is ill and have yet to hear back from him, and yet he is always the one to call me.

Why is it that my posts seem to start on one subject and yet they evolve into something else entirely?

Well I guess I will continue on this line of thought, because I can’t remember where the other line was going. I am not sure of Stephens sincerity as a friend, it is usually about him and what he wants, and things never get around to me, he refuses to acknowledge my illness and thinks that all I need to do is Cowboy Up, drink more beer and hang around him, he is very  selfish in that way, he got upset when I moved to the country for my wife and stayed with Russel, he didn’t like that I would not be at his beck and call, you see he is single and he is the type that will call on a Saturday night around 9pm and say get dressed we are going to the bar, I mean I am all for going to the bar, but dude I have a family and I just can’t get up and take off on a moment’s notice just because you want to look for a wife for the night, I have to plan things, basically get permission or at least let my wife know what I am doing, and really if you wanted to go to the bar couldn’t you have called my earlier than right now let’s go kind of thing, he has not gotten that simple fact in the whole time I have known him. I am not single and cannot come and go as I please and it has gotten worse now that my wife is sick, and it is not that she doesn’t want me to go out and have a few beers with my friend, it is that she knows with Stephen I will be out till 4 in the morning going from place to place when he can’t find what he is looking for. And like I said I like to go to the bar, but I am not a bar hopper never have been, but yet even when I was a young single man I was never a bar hopper and if this is off putting well then it is, I never went out with the intention of getting a piece of ass, I just didn’t go looking for it. I was there to hang out with my buddies and drink cold beer and enjoy the band or dare I say it karaoke. And well that made me more successful at getting women than my buddies, even though I usually turned them down, oh ya I would twirl them around the dance floor once or twice but that piece of ass was never the goal, I did get my fair share but I never ever once went looking for it. Even now when Stephen and I do go to the bar and her is in his hunter mode and I am just there, doing my own thing oblivious to the world I still get more women that ask me to dance or strike up a conversation, sometimes I dance and all of the time I tell them I am married, and I get this, why are all the good ones married, well because we

ah yes they serve my favorite beer in this joint

found a good woman who would marry our sorry asses, needless to say I have tried to impart some of my wisdom to Stephen about not trying so hard but he never seems to listen, it really works and I am not bragging here, most women hate it when you look at them like a piece of meat, they can’t stand it, but when you are just there for the band, the beer and your buddies and are really not looking for a piece of ass then 9 out 10 times a woman will come up to you wondering why you haven’t paid them one bit of attention, sorry I am not looking for a relationship, one night stand or even to buy you a drink, I am not being a dick on purpose but I didn’t come here for that. And I have to say why go out for burgers when you have filet mingon at home, can I get a witness. I can’t believe I am going to tell you this one, even when I went to a gay bar with my gay brother I got hit on twice as many times as he did, but I passed on my little jewel of wisdom don’t go looking and it will come to you. And yes they all knew I was straight but that didn’t stop them for buying me drinks or trying to dance with me, hell I was there with my mother and brother, not trolling for a piece of ass, at least David took my words of wisdom to heart started to relax and enjoy himself and when that happened he was the main attraction of the night. So know you know my philosophy about how to get chicks or guys at the bar, and that was not the point of this discussion but hey it might help you out one day, and believe me on this one women really love a well dressed cowboy, we are talking boots, semi tight jeans, always leave a little room for the imagination, a nice button up collared shirt, with t-shirt underneath and a nice looking buckle and a clean cowboy hat, make sure you shave and put on your smell goods. When you enter the bar do so like you own the place even if it is the first time you have been there, always know where the exits and the bathroom are at all times and if you can try to keep your back to a wall never a window, open floor or a door, and if you can’t don’t get paranoid just make sure to keep a respectful eye on your surroundings at all times. Just one more jewel of knowledge for all of you out there. Wait I aint done with this yet, make sure you iron or press your shirt, nice crisp edges, it may not help with the ladies but it will make you feel better about your appearance, and for goodness sakes don’t iron your jeans it make you look like a retard, and we all aint George Strait he can get away with it you can’t. And this will happen, it does to me all the time, eventually a woman will ask you if you are a real cowboy, your response to this should be to ask what her definition of a real cowboy is because I guarantee it will be different from yours, and be honest because unless you have been there and done that you aren’t a real cowboy, I happen to be a real cowboy, I grew up on 4000 acres in the middle of the Mugion Mountain in New Mexico and all we did was raise horses I spent more time with my ass in a saddle than I ever did just walking around. Ok back to the ladies and the question mostly you are an urban cowboy that watches to much rodeo channel and westerns, but that don’t mean that you can’t be a cowboy, a cowboy is this, he is good to the environment, good to women, that means treating them with respect and courtesy, that means you stand for what you believe in and will defend it with your life if necessary. And that is just a little about what it is that makes you a cowboy, it is in the way you walk, talk, what you drink and how you think. Don’t but any drink with a little umbrella in it, even if you are gay, it  just does not fit, kind of like an elevator in an outhouse it just don’t go (name the movie win a prize). Women are going to ask if you can ride a horse, for them all cowboys can ride a horse, if you can then say yes if you can’t well don’t lie about it, it will make you look like a jerk and women know when men are lying trust me on this, even if they just met you. Some will ask if you smoke cigarettes, again tell the truth, for me it is as easy as pulling that can of dip out of my back pocket and say does this count and usually they will giggle and say yes, don’t act like or try to tell a woman that you were a bronco rider or a bull rider unless you can back it up with facts, remember women will know when you are lying. I myself have green broke horses myself but I have never been in a rodeo or a bronco rider or a bull rider and I explain that I spent enough time getting my ass handed to me by horses just green breaking them and riding them every day, horses can be assholes when they want to be, and that is all of the time, you have to be in charge of the horse you are riding, and try to ride the same horse every time it will let you get acquainted and you and the horse will know what to expect from each other and develop an understanding of what is expected of the other. Sometimes this doesn’t work out that way, I was lucky and had two of my own horses to ride, mostly Ash called that because of his dark grey color, he and I worked well together and respected each other and if you think I am kidding then you haven’t been around horses much, he used to let me know when I was fucking up or when he needed something, it was maybe a short straight hop or a nip at my pant leg, and no I didn’t wear chaps this aint a Clint Eastwood movie, I did wear spurs but horses really don’t like to be kicked in the stomach with sharp pointy things and they will damn sure let you know. Back to the women, they will respect you more and you will respect yourself more if you are honest with them than try to fill their pretty little heads with bullshit. Trust me on this men we think we have them fooled but we really don’t and that is our problem right there, if you approach a woman think of it like approaching a horse let them see you and let them watch you before you make well, I guess your move, and when you do don’t be an ass and say stupid shit, that just shows ignorance and will put her off right away, just say hello my name is you fill in the blank, and for damns sake don’t get pissed off if she isn’t interested, you have to realize how many assholes have already come up to her and hit on her just for a piece of ass, and well most of the time it pisses women off, all those players and haters and whatever’s, remember it is not personal she is not being a bitch to you, maybe she is having a bad day, maybe she just wants a drink and sit and absorb for a bit and loosen up a little, you don’t know you aren’t in her mind, but I see it happen all the guys get pissed because she turned them down, if she does give her space and don’t harp on her for being a stuck up whore or bitch, once again you don’t know her and you don’t know what is going on  in her head. You know what come back later after she has relaxed a little and let her hair down and try again you might be surprised, it’s been known to happen. I know why I am telling you this, it is because every time I go out with Stephen he is on the hunt for a piece of ass, and I feel that women can tell that just from the way he watching and looking and well his attitude, it radiates from him like ya I am going to give you some dick tonight and you’re going to love it. It don’t matter how many times I try to tell him to sit back relax and enjoy himself and when the time comes then make a move, don’t force it, it aint going to work. I am by nature a people watcher and I have sat in many a bar and just watched what was going on around me and you know women watch as well, they have spotted you and they see you, but are you going to turn out like 99% of the rest of the assholes at the bar, to them the answer is yes you are, especially if you have that hungry I want some ass look to you. Man I just can’t tell you enough you might be a horny goat but if that vibe is out there than every woman except that really dunk one will pick up on that vibe, I see it with Stephen, I saw it with Ramon, I saw it with Patrick and all my other friends except Schmitty, he is like me that is why I like going to the bar with him, we just settle in and sit and bullshit and drink beer and invariably it happens to one or the other we get hit on, or talked to or have a drink bought for us, and both of us are married, and I think that women know that to, they don’t even have to see the ring on the finger to know. Well I have bored you with enough advice on bar etiquette so I will leave you for now.

Hell I don’t claim to know the mind of a women, I can barely understand my own mind. Everything I have written has been due to my observations and my people watching, man that is so much fun. Truth be told I couldn’t get laid even if I crawled up a chicken ass and waited. Many of these things do and have happened but I aint no player far from it, I just sit and enjoy myself, and don’t let the bullshit of other people disturb that setting I have placed myself into

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

Rekindling an old friendship, fellowship in fear and anger

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on June 28, 2012 by dankline2000

So let’s talk you and I, what do you want to talk about?

Well let’s talk about you and me for starters.

Ok what about you and me?

When did we first meet?

When I was a very young boy and was very scared of the world around me. Would you like to put a year and a place to it? I don’t think that I can. It was a very long time ago.

Why did I first appear?

You first appeared because I was unable to deal with the things that were happening to me and my family. You sheltered me from the fear giver and showed me how to be as unobtrusive as I could possibly be. A mouse in a great big house.

Did you know my name right away or did it come to you later in?

I think, I have always known your name, but you having a name was scary for me, if you had a name then you were real, and that meant you were really there but I could not see you.

If I wasn’t really there who thought you all the coping skills you acquired?

You did, you warned me when the fear giver was in the mood and reminded me of things that I could or couldn’t do to keep the fear giver away from me, or showed me how to slip past the fear giver so he could not see me and I could escape to the outdoors and hide in the woods until it was safe.

So you agree that I did teach you these things, correct?

Why are you asking these questions in that tone of voice, what have I done wrong to make you doubt my belief. I know you have been there for me at different times in my life with the quick warning, and the staying of my hand. There were also times I didn’t need you so I thought you had fled from my mind to help someone other than me, or at least I hoped you did.

I never left you, I knew you would need me the rest of our life, and you need me now whether you want to believe it or not. The anger you have manifested has run completely through your mind and body and is eating at your very soul. You didn’t think I wouldn’t come and save you again?

If I need saving then you have to be real at least in my mind, you cannot exist any other place and that scares me more than it did when I was a child, I am a grow man, I need to do this the right way and not hide from it or defend from it, and yet I sit here in fear and do nothing.

this is what i picture in my mind that he looks like, i wonder if he were here and i looked in the mirror if this isnt the face i would see

That is why I am back, perhaps together we can hold the anger and fear back long enough to put you on a path of help, instead of not doing anything and sitting in fear, what is it that you want to do?

I want to get the anger and fear under control and to find some normalcy in my life, I don’t want to hurt the ones I love anymore, and not even you can get me to stop chewing tobacco so stop trying, it is my one and only vice except Star Crunches, let me at least have that. I don’t do drugs anymore; I barely drink so I this is my one vice and I believe I will keep it for now.

My turn to ask a question, I have been in turmoil for years and now you come back, why now all of the sudden?

I have come back when I feel you have need of me the most, you are like a very bright candle that is burning way to fast, the longer you hold onto the anger the faster you will burn out, and as you said in one of your poems you not done here yet. You have a family that needs you and you can grantee that one of your older children will be back into your house hold in a short amount of time,

Again I have lost the connection with him again, due to gun fire in the neighborhood and my dumbass son wanting to go out back before I could make sure things were ok, sounded like 9mm shot fired from an extended 15 round magazine followed by shotgun fire a little further down, leave it an assumed gun battle to snap me out of anything, bullet makes a distinctive whine as it passes close to your body and I damn sure don’t want my son in the open if someone is shooting, especially if it was amateurs.

The picture on the right brings to mind the person in my head, who would be better to teach a young boy how to be silent and to listen to what was going on around him, to sense danger and to avoid it with stealth like abilities, and it would tie into my lineage with the Cherokee part of me, or was it the imagination of a young boys mind. I would like to think both are true,

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

PS. italics are him and normal font is my answers

And now for the bottom line…..

Posted in Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on June 28, 2012 by dankline2000

Ok this is what I call the bottom line folks, I am at the bottom now I have to choose to either stay on the bottom and do nothing or climb my way back up out of the pit, knowing that there will be times that I may slip and fall, sometimes right back to the bottom. I am weary and heart sick and it has come time for me to make the dreaded conclusion. Do I need help or do I just sit and stir in my own juices, destroying everything and everyone I love, or do I tackle the fear and meet it head on and go out into the world and find the help I need in order to maintain some semblance of a normal life, to be productive again, to have energy to do things that need to be done.

The problem is I am scared, scared of even trying to start down the road to do the things I need to become one with life again, I am hiding in a little room where no one bothers me and I only take responsibility for little things just little things. I am scared to look for a therapist, due to the fact that he or she is going to ask the really hard questions about me that I have given before, and it is difficult to answer all of those questions, it is a trigger before it even starts. On top of that what if the first therapist doesn’t work out and then I have to look for another. The same process begins all over again. Here I am this cowboy, this soldier, this man who is scared to death of telling his story. Well how do you suppose I get the help I know I need if I don’t tell the story? They are going to want to know. And I sit here and do nothing all the while I get off handed looks from my wife making sure I am not angry, my son hesitantly knocks on my door in case I decide to rip his head off verbally. I see what not doing anything is causing and yet I still sit here and do anything. One other thing I am scared of is being misdiagnosised again, it took me years to figure out what was wrong in the first place, and now I have to be seen and heard by another, and if they decide I am not DID then what is wrong with me, I don’t want to be given medication for bi-polar or schizophrenia again, it really wasn’t pleasant and I know that I don’t have either of those maladies. I was misdiagnosised with them already once before I saw Dr. S I don’t want to go through all of those tests again, I don’t want them fucking around with my medication again. I have had quite enough of that for one life, but that is what they are going to want to do again is run their tests and change my medications yet again. So I ask again do I not do anything and lose everything I have and love or do I go out and try to face the world and get some help. I know that I don’t want to go back to the hospital that is for sure, and I don’t want to be rediagnosised, I can’t handle anymore of that, I won’t handle anymore of that.

here i sit in my own world of shit i have created

So I sit and I fear and I get angry, and I get scared, and I feel my world unraveling around me as I sit and type this. If I could just get my anger under control perhaps I will not need to go and get another doctor and a therapist, and yet that is not the truth either. Part of it is I don’t want to really leave the house, and yet again I am not telling the whole truth in that, I can leave the house if I am out of dip or need Diet Pepsi or my much coveted Star Crunches man I can eat a whole box of them suckers all by myself. Do you know I haven’t showered in over a week, that I haven’t shaved in longer than that, I did take my son for a haircut yesterday and got one myself and a beard trim so I don’t look like a mountain man, see I can do that but ask me to go to therapy and I will become as stubborn as a mule, and I have to keep reminding myself to brush my damn teeth. Literally I am falling apart and everyone around me can see it, I haven’t even changed my jeans in a week, and don’t ask me about my underwear cause I really don’t know, disgusting right and yet even as I read this I could give a fuck less, I don’t care even if I do stink I can’t smell myself so fuck anybody who can. But who really cares about the trials and tribulations of one man except his family right? Shouldn’t that be enough to force me to get my ass moving, NO.? because I only do enough of the right things so that I go unnoticed, I am left to myself all the time, partly out of fear and partly because everyone else has their own issues to deal with. I did get my Medicare card yesterday so insurance is not a problem. And my wife does mention to me once in a while about going to therapy, but she is wrapped up in getting herself better and trying to get herself back to a semblance of normalcy that I just mumble a reply and she either goes back to what she was doing or falls asleep again and I am left to wander the corridors of my mind by myself again,, with no one the wiser that I am not doing what I am supposed to do to help myself, hell even my son is so off in his own world that he pretty much leaves me alone, except when he wants a new game for his Xbox. So I sit in my own little castle of misery eating Star Crunches and drinking Diet Pepsi and moaning to a blog about things I should be doing instead of doing them. What a life, hell I don’t eat right I have lost 40 lbs in the last 3 months (I think) just because food has no taste or meaning other than to provide energy for myself pity, and when I do eat it is very little and only once a day otherwise I suck nutrition out of the very air I breathe. My wife has seen it and noticed, my PCP has seen it and noticed it and asked about it and I told him I had no desire for food and that I was eating once a day and no it wasn’t the Adderall that was causing the problem, I just am not interested in food. One thing I have noticed about the Seraquil is that is does increase my appetite some, but due to the lack of interest in eating that don’t help much. Man what a pity party for me right? If I aint raging against my own mind and the world around me then I feel like I am seeking pity from those around me. And yet who would feel pity on the man that may have just minutes ago blasted them with withering anger, would you, hell no I wouldn’t either. So it is all up to me, sit and stink and not do anything about my sorry excuse for a life or go and find what I need to help me on the right path. Most of you are braver than I am out there and have found the help you need to move in some kind of direction but still here I sit making excuses for all the reasons I cannot and will not go. Well at least I finally put a shirt on today even if it was for dinner.

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

Ok who did it…..

Posted in Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , on June 28, 2012 by dankline2000

The weirdest thing has been happening to me for the last week and a half. Everyday sometimes once other times multiple, I have had this company calling me about male enhancement products, I mean really. And they are very insistent about giving their speech to me and I tell them the entire time they are talking and giving their explanation about the products that I am not interested, but they continue to talk like I am listening to them and by this time I am yelling into my phone I didn’t ask for this and to take me off their calling list. they just called not even 5 seconds ago, I think they are trying to wear me down, thinking that if keep calling I will just give in, I have asked them to take me off their calling list, but that doesn’t seem to be working. Could they be telling me something that they know and I don’t, do I really need male enhancement? It appears that they got my cell number from somewhere don’t know where but they got it and are burning up my phone. Male enhancement ya it is a side effect of all the meds I am taking but damn I am still a young man people. perhaps I should call them back and ask them about feminine hygiene products as it always is a foreign sounding woman who calls and I swear it the same woman. Man these people aren’t stoppable I just know today or tomorrow they will call back. I just want to know which of you gave them my cell phone number, come on fess up.

With much gratitude and deveotion,

Dan Kline

Internal conflict exposed…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on June 28, 2012 by dankline2000

It looks like I am going to have and internal dialogue on the outside instead of well being internal. Hang on tight folks this could be very interesting to say the least. How many times do I have to say it I don’t want to know the names of my internals, but it looks as if Khayleth is going to be different, he is using the moments just before the drug puts me to sleep to sneak in and try, or what it looks like he Is trying to do is tell something about me that I don’t want anyone to know about just yet, hell people I am not even in therapy, so I don’t understand what he is doing and have no reference to base it against? Maybe that is not the right way to say it.

Should I tell you where Khayleth came from? Am I ready to start letting him have some control in my daily life, not yet, he can keep sneaking through the back and side doors all he wants, but to fully come out with him, I don’t think I am ready. But he is telling secrets, some I would rather keep to myself, I mean does he have to use some of the violence that I have done in my life to try to explain to me, Gerri, hell all of you what kind of man I am? He is making me out to be violent and yet by telling all of this and then saying I am a good man, is he really getting his point across? I have no idea what he will say next and that bothers me, at least he hasn’t taken control of me during the day, and I am hoping that he doesn’t. I mean what kind of conversation would that be like and how in the world would the people around me react. No Khayleth is not violent or angry but he recalls things that are better left buried in my mind where no one is allowed to look at them, I mean he is starting to give details and settings and feelings that were involved, if he starts telling of the other stories in there and in full detail I am afraid that I will lose my wife and child. I wonder if it wouldn’t be better for my family if I didn’t just come out and tell the myself, but I can’t, like I said those memories are better off left buried and not brought up. So if I am not posting for a bit or if you noticed that I have posted but it is removed it is for my own safety and that of my families that I have removed the post.

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

Internal dialouge, exposed……

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , on June 28, 2012 by dankline2000

Khayleth, you are not supposed to be here, you left me a long time ago to fend for myself, you have no business coming around now when I needed you this whole time. And do you really think that the way you are putting my case out there is really going to get more people to help me?, Kitten hurter, really I have some really great stories out there and that is one that you choose. Ok what ever I couldn’t stop you before I wont stop you now unless you get in the way. Oh and lets just make people think I am a mad dog killer on the loose too. dumb ass, never knew when to shut up and for what the good in me. Enough, and quit using my closing line it is mine get your own, fuckhead.Oh and since he brought it up the name is pronounced Kay-leth.

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

I TOLD ALL OF YOU NO NAMES YOU DIDNT DESERVE THEM THEN AND YOU DONT DESERVE THEM NOW

Something from K the one not allowed a name…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on June 27, 2012 by dankline2000

Shall I tell you more of Dan? I wonder if any other than our wife really cares, the stories I tell and have told were not meant to scare anyone off and yet it seems I have. Do not think of Dan as a bad person, he is good hearted and kind in his own way. He titled the last post I wanted to write, harm none, I agree with that, he doesn’t want to harm no one except himself and I am hoping that has passed, I am hoping he no longer sees that as an option. Without him none of the rest of us would exist. He is looking into his past and I agree with the wife that looking back at that point in his life will more harm than would help, he is not strong enough to look at those things that have made him the man he is now. Looking back only brings anger and hate and I would have to intervene more if that were to happen. I can see what he wants, he wants reasons and answers as to why this happened to him, I can see it in his mind even though he doesn’t know I am looking, the medicine is good for him, yet he doesn’t think so, I feel it working and yet he still complains about it bitterly. I wish he would give up chewing tobacco, even now when I appeared he had some in his mouth, it is bitter and stings my mouth, but I am afraid that if I were to take it out it would cause a connection with him and I and I am not ready for that type of actual connection, I know he knows I am here he has read what I have wrote, he didn’t like that fact that I told some of his secrets, but I did not out of malice but out of understanding for he needs to be reminded what anger can do to him, how it can control him. I wish that none look upon him in fear, for he has not hurt anyone. He will be upset at me for saying that. But I am afraid that I went too far in my telling last night. I am here now to put right those words I spoke last night, I was trying to shock him into realizing what would happen again if he let the anger control him. The fear giver made him this way and though he doesn’t know it yet he has nothing to fear from him ever again. But he cannot see this, it is etched across his mind and the anger keeps feeding it to him all the time. Anger won’t let go of him, and I won’t let go of anger, it is a battle I have fought before and won and it is a battle I will keep fighting until our last breath. I finally spit out that vile tobacco I could stand it no longer, if I do one thing right I will rid him of that disgusting habit. I will tell you a little story of Dan not so long ago, you see his children kept hearing kittens mewling in the walls of the house they were living in, and Dan with the help of his sons located where the kittens were, Dan broke a hole in the drywall and they saved 5 kittens from death. His children being children were excited by this find and they wanted to keep the kittens and well he let them, they named them and well didn’t take very good care of them that was left to Dan and the wife. In true Dan temperament one day he was mad and could only hear the kittens crying and mewling wanting food or attention or whatever. He stormed into the kitchen and took off his shirt and hurled it at one of the kittens catching it full on with a wad of shirt, and as the shirt fell off the kitten he could see that the little thing was twitching and having a seizure of sorts, what he had done and witnessed tore through his heart like a wave crashing on the shore, knowing that he might have killed the tiny animal and unable to live with himself he ran, right out of the house in the middle of a thunderstorm and he ran to the side yard and stood looking up into the cold rain letting it soak him clear to the bone, running his hands through his hair, screaming at the lighting in rage and fear at what he had done, he stood like that for what seemed to me hours just letting the lighting flash and the thunder boom and letting the rain wash over his angry body, trying to cleanse the very hateful thing he did from his body and mind. After so long in the rain his body and soul soaked to the very core, he made his way back to the house, wondering if he had killed that poor kitten. As he walked through the front door where everyone was waiting for him, he realized his wife was holding that little kitten in both hands, slowly walking towards her fear on his skin, he realized that the wee little thing was just fine, he had not done any permanent damage to anything or anyone except himself.

With much gratitude and devotion,

K

PS. Shall I put a picture of a kitten out here for him, I think I will for I am pushing him the most right now, and would like to see his reaction.

for you to realize all will be fine, as long as anger doesnt take hold again

Something on Guilt…..

Posted in Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on June 27, 2012 by dankline2000

What if we talked about something that I know each of us has felt or is feeling right now, let us talk about guilt? I will give you the defintion of guilt and then perhaps we can talk about why this haunts us so much, or I will say why it haunts me so much.

Guilt:

Noun

1. The fact or state of having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong, especially against moral or penal law; culpability: He admitted his guilt.

2. A feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.

3. Conduct involving the commission of such crimes, wrongs, etc.: to live a life of guilt.

We will also look at guilt from this definition.

Guilt:

Guilt, in psychology, a term denoting an unpleasant feelingassociated with unfulfilled wishes. Sigmund Freud initially contended that sexual drives produce sense of guilt in the superego, the moral conscience of the mind. He later maintained, however, that guilt was associated with aggressive impulses. Freud felt that guilt was often confused with remorse, the formerbeing an emotion signaling the presence of aggressive wishes, thelatter a self-imposed punishment which occurs if the aggressivewish is fulfilled. Individuals suffering from various neurotic disordersmay experience feelings of guilt and remorse even when they havenot acted on their aggressive impulses. The term guilt is mostcommonly used in traditional psychoanalysis, as a way ofdescribing unconscious processes which may lead to neuroticreactions. It is also used in criminal law, in cases where adefendant is found to be responsible for the crime for which he is on trial.

See L. Wurmser, The Mask of Shame (1981).

The Columbia Electronic Encyclopedia Copyright © 2004.
Licensed from Columbia University Press

Ok the formatting is a little crazy but you can get the gist of what I am trying to do, I don’t want this to turn into some boring blog on the true definition of guilt, what I want to do is give us a base to work from, if we can understand what guilt is perhaps we can use it to explain to ourselves why we feel guilt, or we may yet to be able to define the guilt within us. I know that I feel guilt a lot, and a lot of the guilt I bear is anger and shame. It is in the words I use, the actions that I do, and it whiplashes me back into a state of depression and self blame. Why did I do that or why did I say such and such.

I have found and been told that we hurt the ones we love the most, that is to say for me I get really angry with my wife, now it may not even be her that I am mad at, it may

the never ending cycle goes round and round and round, never stopping always building, bigger and bigger

be something that doesn’t even have to do with her, hell I could and will if you want me to, give you a list as long as the earth is round of things that I am mad about, but I won’t. But the reason I get angry at my wife is because she is a safe place for me to let what it is that I am feeling go free, and yes it hurts her, and yes it leaves a mark on her, not physically but mentally. She is my safe place the one person I can go to whether I am scared, hurt, angry or sad. If I need to cry I go to my wife so that she can hold me and tell me it will be alright. So why would I use her as my lashing post per say? For that same very reason, she is my safe place, and sometimes being that safe place means my anger gets directed towards her, I have made that last statement more than once and will use it again and again until I understand it. She may have done nothing wrong and yet I may perceive that she has, by not talking to me or notice when I walk in the room or the fact that I am mad and she doesn’t notice that, any of these things and a million more could and will set me off, and like I said once before I may be angry at something else entirely but I take it out on her, and she sits there dumbfounded, confused wondering what she has done to deserve the rage that is directed towards her. Once again it probably isn’t anything that she has done. Repetitive is what this is and I understand the point I am making to myself now, let’s see if I can work forward and see what I can change about my behaviors, well probably nothing at this point, can I make a more concerted effort to look at what I am angry about before lashing out, probably not, will I stop before hand and realize that it is not her that I am angry at, probably not. By now it is an autonomic response and until I can control the anger, I cannot control the outburst as they are now. Wow I really am a dick to my wife and yet there she is still right beside me, of course now that she is on oxygen she has way of escaping, lol. And what I just said is as true as rain is wet, I am a dick to my wife and have yet, well yes I do know why she stays with me, because she loves me and sees in me something I do not see in myself, she is always encouraging and positive about me and she is always finding ways to help me out, both mentally and spiritually and sometimes physically when I piss her off enough, she has damn good aim with whatever she has at hand to throw at me, I aint kidding that woman can aim, glad she doesn’t own a gun anymore, but she still has cast iron, and so far I have been able to dodge them. I know it isn’t funny but it can be sometimes. I know my guilt is based on my actions and reactions to certain events, but what I am not able to do is separate the reason and the event, does this make any sense? The reason and the event are two separate things, and usually the reason is, is that I am angry about something or even ashamed of something and thus it brings on the event, as in getting mad at my wife for no other reason than the reason, ok now I am not making sense to myself, ok I am mad at the world and I then take it out on my wife, I should not take my anger out on my wife I should take my anger out on the reason I am angry? Still does this make any sense? I don’t know, not yet anyway, seems I have lost my way here and need to find my direction again. Let me go back to my definitions that might help. Ok so you know what the definitions don’t really explain guilt the way I thought they did, they are kind of fucked up and don’t really describe guilt as I feel it, perhaps I need to find a better definition for guilt, instead of those two, damn what a thinker Freud was, yes?

Guilt:

Guilt and its handmaiden, shame, can paralyze––or catalyze one into action. Appropriate guilt can function as social glue, spurring one to make reparations for wrongs. Excessive rumination about one’s failures, however, is a surefire recipe for resentment and depression.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/guilt

Ok so now we have this one here and while it does tell me more about the reactions of guilt, what does it really say? It gives us a positive about guilt as far as reparations and gives us a negative in what will happen if we obsess over guilt. But so far I am not finding out anything about how to cope with guilt or why I take out my anger on my wife. Or have I figured that part out and know need to find a way to cope with the guilt I have created for myself. Could there in lays the answer, so off I go again to see if I can’t find away to help me cope with the guilt or how to help me with my guilt over my wrongs. Well I don’t have much hope for this one, do you? Ok I am not going to copy / paste the entire statement I have just read so I will put the web site information here for you to peruse at your convince.

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2007/11/27/5-tips-for-dealing-with-guilt/

I understand the concept of guilt and the reasons that we have guilt but how does it fit within my particular situation? When I find myself not able to express my anger in the correct way and I take it out on my wife instead it is a bad thing and I know it yet even now I continue to do it, knowing full well that she doesn’t deserve it, and yet still doing it. Yes I know my wife is a safe place or person, but you would think that after hurting her for so long and seeing the damage it dies to both her and I that I would figure this thing out right, no. I still do it and it seems to be a lot lately. And all I seem to be able to do is get even more upset with me when I have done this to her, so starts the cycle of self blame and recrimination.  And the never ending promises that I won’t do it again and the apologies that follow, both of us knowing it will happen again. Am I trying to make her leave me? Is it some subconscious desire to see her hurt, I mean if it is that it is fucking wrong on my part, and once again I could sing the praises of this woman from on high, and yet still rage at her for nothing she has done. So show me the way to stop this madness and I would give you your weight in gold, if I had it. So it seems I am right back where I started with this post no closer and I feel like I am even farther away form the answer.

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

Harm none part 2

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on June 26, 2012 by dankline2000

I know not what to tell you about the post before this one it seems that after i take the medicine it leaves a small window open in my mind for aspects to come out, I was unaware of my writing though I knew I was typing but not the content, I do now and hope that some of the things this aspect has recorded doesn’t scare you in the least, I think he, I hope was telling you what he has done for me in the past, by stopping my violence and therefore making me the bigger man. I do hope that if it turns out to be a woman who I have not offended her by not calling her that. I want you to understand I am trained to kill in a combat or emergency d=situation but have had a lot of training in how not to put myself in those types of situations, if I were to hurt someone on purpose with my training and skills it would be very bad for me in a court of law, no matter who was the instigator. i have thankfully not been  put into many of these situations in my life and as for the question of whether I have killed a man in self-defense or otherwise is not any of any ones business, if you think that automatically makes me a liar or guilty then you will think what you will only one other person in this world knows the answer to that question and he isn’t talking, trust me on that one.

Much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

Harm none…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on June 26, 2012 by dankline2000

What is it that you want me to write about? Is it anger, death, sadness, forgiveness, love, happiness what is it that you want me to write about. I have no clue as to what I am to write, I have written about death, fear, anger, rage and mistrust. What more would you have me say on those subjects that torture my mind. Can we not move on to pieces of happiness, joy, understanding and forgiveness? It all seems so confusing when I look at what I have written; it is all over the place, such as my mind is. What do I tell people who read what I write and want me to explain these ramblings I call thoughts, how can I explain them, I don’t want to explain them, let them take from me what they want and leave to be alone with my sufferings. I can t do this much longer, this rage eats me from the inside out, rotting my brain with its negative words and ways, spewing forth onto paper such vile acts and deeds, is this what this was supposed to be for me. I want to wander the forests and plains in endless search of a peace I cannot find here trapped in this empty hollow place I live, no home is this, no laughter echoes through this house, only pain and suffering, desperation and damnation. Nowhere to hide from my mind, from the feelings of worthlessness and despair. Nowhere to lay my weary bones without medications help to find a halfway peaceful sleep, to again wake in the morn to start the cycle over again, someone once told me that only I could break the cycles of ruination in my head, only I could learn to forgive and move on, but what of me lately, what words I have spoken, what tales I have told, danger lurks in the vary corners of my mind and yet as I scrub the filth away things seem to scurry about in my mind covering everything over again just as I finish cleaning it out, rambling you say, well I say to hell with you these are thoughts straight from my head to keyboard to you, and that is the way this particular tale will go until it ends, if you don’t care for it then please stop reading, for fear that I may offend I will digress, not I will not digress for you or anyone, this is my story damn it and I will tell it as I see fit and a pox on you if find this tale not to your liking. See my story begins years ago as a little boy, white blond hair, soul full grey eyes and hand me down shirts and trousers, I did have two older brothers and even though we could afford new clothes we didn’t get them. Ah poor pitiful Dan, his life is and was tragic, once because of the fear giver and now because he can’t let the fear giver alone even if the bastard is dead and burned and ashes stored in some damn mausoleum in the middle of Missouri. I would tell you more of me as a child but I have no memories other than what was told to me from my mother who was as jaded towards my father than I was, and if David talked of them is few and far between and once again he was jaded too. I could tell you of the young man Dan who at 14 struck out in this big world by himself, but you see he went hungry a lot and started to use drugs as a means of keeping himself alive. Or would you rather me tell you of the man Dan has become, house bound most of the time, anxiety ridden and confused as to which day of the week it is, or just exactly who it is writing this damn post, you see we and I mean we don’t know who is writing this post because I am not anger, I don’t know what I am sitting alone in this white room with black furniture, am I new here or have I been waiting in the wings for a moment such as this to reveal myself, what part of Dan am I? You know I am not anger look at the way I write, medication is kicked in and allows me the freedom to write as I will, you need to know who Dan is before you can understand why he is the way he is. He is a scared child in a man’s body with the strength of a man but the fears of a child, did you know he is afraid of the dark, did you know that he cuddles with a pillow even with his wife sleeping next to him. Scared, frightened little Daniel, what will become of him, I wonder if he knows how much I detest the taste of tobacco juice, it is a foul thing to put in ones mouth, like that will stop him. Did you know they taught him to kill men, in many different ways, did you know they taught him how to kill men with many different weapons including his hands and  using a knife, his wife doesn’t know what they taught him to do but I am sure she can guess, has he ever taken a man’s life, is that what you want to know, only Dan can answer that question, I detest what they taught him to do, he is not a warrior even though he has been through hell and back in his life, do I think he would kill a man, only in self defense and if one of his loved ones were in danger. Dan will not allow us to have names, and I do have a name and I will not write it here but he knows me very well. I am the part of him that keeps him from doing harm unto others, I stay his hand in anger the only part of anger that I can control you see, if he hurts someone in violence it may be the end of Dan as we know him and he might not be controlled again, I have stopped him in the past from harming his wife in anger, did you know that, I stopped him from killing that man in the bar that was beating on his wife, I kept his hand from tearing out the man’s trachea, I stopped him when that mugger in St. Louis tried to take all that he had, his arms wrapped around this man’s throat twisting his head waiting to hear the snap of vertebrae in his neck, I have told you these things so that you understand that he is a decent man and wishes no harm done to himself or other, but he will hurt any and all who come to hurt him or his family. I think I have scared you of Dan, but if I leave you with anything of who Dan is, it is this he wants peace and he wants to give up a past that has haunted him for generations and for him to do just that he needs to stop the anger before it consumes him, and for that I will need more help than from just his wife, I wonder if I should say our wife, is………

I cannot finish what this other aspect was saying due to the fact that my wife interrupted and he fled back into the consciousness of my mind, this is one aspect that I cannot assign an emotion to. I do hope he comes back he seems to be as strong or stronger than anger I leave you to make up your mind on your own, perhaps even come up with and emotion equal to what he or was it a she said, I don’t see feminine writing involved in this but somehow it strikes me as a woman, just what I wanted a female aspect. But with DID you never know what you will be dealing with. Also the fact that it was calling my wife our wife? Food for thought. I am also not going to put a picture in with this post, the only one that comes to mind is a picture of a pirate woman swinging on a rope with a saber in her hands, still food for thought.

Much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline