Letters to myself, postage due


I often wonder why I continue trying, what good is it, I always seem to not do the right thing or not say the right words, I get angry, I get sad, and I get hopeless. And yet I can never seem to get it right, the more I try to do what everyone wants me to do, well it seems never to be enough, what is expected of me because I don’t know. What kind of a father can I be if I am constantly in a flux of emotions? What kind of a husband can I be if I can’t control the emotions pouring from me? Tell me what it is that you want me to do, I promise I will do it if it will stop me from feeling the way I do right now, smile for me, just a little smile, it isn’t much I am asking for. You tell me what I need to do and I will. If I need to do it differently than tell me how, because I am confused, I have no direction, no way to go, every direction I look seems the same, I lose myself in the recesses of my mind. Which way should I go; I need you to direct me without punishing me, or screaming at me, no more yelling no more accusations. I give in I know I can’t do it by myself, and yet I can scream at the top of my voice and feel that you don’t hear me. All you hear is what you want to hear, that I am doing what you seem to think I should do. I have already told you I am lost give me the direction and tell me where to go, you see me spinning in circles, I can’t trust my own mind anymore. You seem to have a grasp on what it is that needs to done. And yet I feel disgust and loathing when I approach you with this subject of my direction, you scream I am on my own because I know better than you do. Perhaps I do know what is happening in my mind, but do you really stop to listen to me and what I have to say about what I am feeling, no. you tell me that I need the pills or the other pills I was on, are you sure that this is the cure, I am in pain and crying for help, reaching for you and grasping nothing in return, you turn your face from me in anger and pain, for the words you used that I turned right back on you, those words of malice and anger, I have had enough of anger whether from me or you. You don’t seem to understand me, or aren’t able to listen clearly to what I am saying to you, help me I don’t feel right and when I explain it to you, you tell me to look to the drugs they will help, but what about you can’t I look to you for some help and comfort, I am alone in a house of people I already know. Things spiraling out of my control, I look to you for some direction and comfort and you are not there. I wish that I could feel that you care and I know you will respond to this that you love me and are there for me, but I need more than words to make me feel like you are there. Whispers in the dark are no good, they can come from anybody, is it really you if it is then

longing for the long rode home, seems to get farther and farther away

light a candle in the darkness and look for me, help me to find my way back. I want you to remember that I am the lost one here, looking for answers to the monster questions that seem to have no answer except take the pills call the doctor and make an appointment, take your own advice then perhaps you wouldn’t have ended up in the ER last night. You want me to get better, to change from the person that you see and so do I but this trek cannot be taken alone and I have no hand to hold when the pain and anger well up inside of me. Where are you when I need this, I know where I am, no where around you I don’t get what I need from you, I get only requests for things you need, not once stopping and looking at me, really looking at me to see if I am in pain or that I might have a problem I want to talk about, yes I know where you are, and every time I need a hug or just to talk you are asleep. Or in pain or having hard time breathing, then I have to shift my focus off of me and help you through what you need from me. I am angry because sometimes I need to open my heart to you and just need to feel that you understand for just a few seconds, that is all the time I need, and then we can go back to what you need. But this has never happened it is always about what you need and want, do I sound selfish then I will have to apologize for that, because I might need a little of what you get from me. You never seem to listen to exactly what I am saying, you seem to listen, but the answers are all the same, never different, always the same, it is a song you have learned and the words never change. You don’t touch me anymore, no kiss as I pass by no touch at the dinner table just to let me know you are there, yes it seems that your illness is worse than mine and you can keep on thinking that right up till I have gone over the edge, I don’t think I will be back from that edge. I am and have been asking for your help, and now I don’t need it anymore I can and will do it myself, I have walked this naked earth for most of my life without help from anyone, I guess I will have to finish this journey on my own. Would that you would walk by my side I would welcome you, but you are not able to use any of your energy on me you need it for yourself. I can’t finish this, my tears will not stop falling and I won’t come to you no more for that I have to do it for myself.

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

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