Here is Part One in DID poll that I have been taking


I will warn that this is incredibly lengthy and only the first part and only read this if you are curious about my struggles with this disorder, me being fairly newly diagnosed, well it wasn’t easy for me to answer some of these questions and other questions needed to be better clarified, or even reworded but I have done the best that I have been able. So read if you will, and if you don’t then all is forgiven. This was originally stolen from Bourbon http://crazyinthecoconut.co.uk/  who recieved it from manyofus http://manyofus1980.wordpress.com/2012/07/02/a-did-mpd-survey-thanks-to-a-dear-friend-who-made-it-up/. I will finish up the rest of it on the morrow, so see all of you then.

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

Part One: DID Poll

First let me say that this is going too hard for me to answer, but I will try this and give honest answers, to my ability.

What is a typical outfit you wear inside?

The outfit I most wear is from when I was in New Mexico; I spent a lot of time on horse back there and found my most comfortable clothing was very simple. Black Dan Post cowboy boots, jeans, light colored t-shirt and depending on the season either a black Stetson or a George Strait woven straw hat, usually with a red bandanna tied around my neck, the reason it was around my neck is so that the sweat would collect on it and when I wiped my dusty face off it was moist.

Who inside do you trust with your concerns, secrets, and feelings?

Right now the only one I trust is the only one that has forced me to use his name, Khayleth. Him I trust right now, because he helps to keep the anger in check and comforts the other aspects when they get wound up. Not an easy question as most of you know, until Khayleth became insistent on me using his name I never named my alters or aspects as I like to call them.

Where do you go inside when you want to have some space or be alone?

I guess I have yet to define a space in my mind where I can go to be alone, it is one hell of a principle to say the least, in order for me to get some peace and quiet I just yell to the top if my lungs mentally to shut up, works most of the time but then you have to deal with hurt feelings, and that takes a bit of time to sort through. I will need to explore this some more and, I guess let the others know that the space I create is off limits to them, but I can see a few of them trying to sneak in there when I am not looking.

If you could change one thing about your inside appearance what would it be?

I don’t really know that I could at this point in time change any one thing about my inside appearance. I guess I don’t have a fully developed sense of what my inside appearance looks like yet, when I try to look at it, it looks like a damn mess all cluttered and the corners need to have the cobwebs sweep from them.

Do you have any children/adopted children or special little’s you look after?

I am also going to assume that you mean inside. At this point I have yet to see any child like aspect come forward, not to say that I might not have any and I am hoping that I do because I would like to find some part of me that was a child.

Are you involved in any internal relationships?

Ok this is a hard one to answer, because I really don’t know what you mean so I will take a stab at answering this. I am going to have to say no, only because the question needs to be clarified.

In your system can/do insiders get married, have families, work at jobs, shop at stores?

Well I am married and so far no one aspect has come forward to challenge that, so far except anger they all seem to accept my wife as a safe person. Working at jobs, I would have to say that all people single and multiple have a difference in their work life and their other parts of life. So I would have to say yes I have an aspect that takes care of my work life, do know which but I am sure he is there. As far as shopping at stores, we seem to be all the same we know what we want, or we have a list and no one particular store seems to be preferred over any other. Boy you guys don’t ask easy questions do you?

Do you have any insiders whom are non-human, but whom count as insiders (they hold information or memories valuable to the system)?

I have and do think that my anger cannot be human, how can you stay so angry all the time and be human; it is exhausting to say the least. But I have to assume he is as human as you or I. other than that I don’t think that I have any non-human entities in my system.

What is the weather like inside?? Do you have weather? Do you ever go “outside, inside?”

I don’t know I have never noticed whether I have any weather inside.

Do you have more than one system of insiders within the body?

I barely have room for the apparent system that I have now I would shudder to think that more than one system could inhabit one mind / brain. So I guess my answer would be no.

What is your relation to the other insiders?

Well the only ones I have totally interacted with are anger and Khayleth and well anger and I get on like a hurricane, we actually love to wreak havoc and chaos as often as we can. Khayleth is the calming aspect of my mind, he renders anger to a mere simmer and does what he can for me in the way of helping me focus and remain calm. But I don’t know if that answers the question or not.

When you are not out, do you have a life and activities inside or are you “asleep” or without awareness either inside or out?

This is a confusing question, it doesn’t make any sense to me, but let me ruminate on it for a second and see if I can figure out just what you are asking. This is such an ambiguous question, first what do you mean when you are not out, out of the house, out in a bar, shopping what? Once again the question needs to be better clarified, it assumes to much or rather not enough.

Who is one person you don’t get along well with inside? What do you think would improve things between you and that person?

Well I would have to say that it would be anger that I don’t get along with, he creates so much strife and drama in a life filled with strife and drama. How could I improve things with anger, well we could start by learning the difference between good anger and bad anger and how to control both.

Do you and your insiders have specialized tasks when coming out? (Such as one person who cleans, one who cooks, one who goes to school/work)

Well I don’t work anymore so that is out, and as far as the rest goes, no not really I am guessing we all get together to do the things that need to be done.

Who answers the phone / is allowed to answer the phone?

I guess I answer the phone, unless anger is here then we say fuck the phone.

Do you curb your language, viewing habits (for TV and movies), or your eating habits due to an awareness of little’s being near or present?

Now being a former soldier I don’t really curb my language for anyone including myself or my aspects, I tell it like it is, how it is and I cuss a lot. This next answer is funny because just last night I took my son to see Brave in 3D and I laughed as hard and as often as most of the children around me, it was just good to have a laugh which has been a while for me, but as far as my viewing habits and the fact that I am not aware of a child like aspect, no I don’t curb them. Eating habits is not one thing I really worry over I only eat once a day and the food still goes down as fast as it did in the military, poof gone. Although I do find myself raiding the snack jar in the middle of the night.

What is one item at the grocery store that you find easy enough (or can you think of something) that each insider can have turns picking their favorite flavor, etc.?

This thought has never occurred to me so I really don’t have any idea. I will have to see what happens next time I go to the grocery.

Do you have rules in regards to who gets time and when and how much time in therapy?

Well I haven’t gotten that far yet still in the process if getting a therapist, and it scares the hell out of me to think that I have to tell another complete stranger my story again. So I will have to answer this question at a later date.

Do you set aside time each day or at certain times of the week or weekend for child insiders to play, make a mess, see a video or have other fun?

Well as I am not aware of any child aspects as of yet, I can say no I do not set a time for any of this.

Do you know the most popular children’s shows on TV?

Yes, yes I do but only in the 12 year old range right now, I have a 12 year old son and I have to say I catch myself watching them from time to time.

As well as toys and stuffies for the younger insiders is there anything you buy for older kids and teens that is special and specific to them?

I will have to say no, and to see my previous answer, but to amend that I do buy toys for my son and I actually play with them sometimes, hell the toys now are way cooler than what we had back in my day.

What is one example of an agreed upon ground rule for adult insiders when they have control over the body?

Now this is one area that I have covered with anger especially, you see anger is a natural magnet for women, no matter where we are and the rule is definitely hands off anybody else’s merchandise we are married and he agrees, though if we have had a few beers we do tend to flirt, and we do it so well. Also it has been agreed that when I am alone with the wife, there is no peeking allowed, from anyone, right anger?

What modes of communication do you use with your inner family?

Never have been good at communication even though I was a combat radioman, have you ever noticed in the old war movies it is always the radio guy who gets it first, I mean the first to die, next time you watch an old war movie see if I am not right. Ok so as far as my inner family well usually it comes down to a shouting match. Not much else to report about that and I still shout the loudest, so I win.

Talk about a recent dispute among insiders.

What do you mean recent, hells bells it is a constant struggle to maintain any sense of order in my brain, it is even a wonder that I can even go through the day without talking to myself out loud and sometimes that happens too, of course it always happens at the most in opportune time, when there are other people about, so I grin and say did I say that out loud? And then I get Khayleth bitching at me about chewing tobacco, I swear he is an old Indian so he should enjoy a good chew now and again.

Tell us one thing that you wish others would understand about you and your system that you don’t think anyone does?

I want everyone to understand how much damn energy it takes to control myself, or ourselves whatever, just realize that I get mentally tired. And no I don’t know how many other aspects there are to myself and no you can’t talk to them and no one of them isn’t gay just because my brother is and no I didn’t want to name them  so don’t ask who am I speaking to right now. Damn it is all me, understand people it is all me, that is the one thing I do know, hell you don’t have to leave a message at the fucking beep, cause I am still here, you morons, that’s what I get for telling a damn redneck about my problems.

What do you think makes you unique from other multiples?

Well I don’t know that we are unique from others; each individual is different for each other so I don’t think we are unique at all, and I only know a few multiples and they are from blogging and we all seem to have some things in common.

What do you look for when you make friends with another multiple system?

Every time you use the word multiple it reminds me of that car commercial where the guy is buying the car and a little head pops out over his shoulder singing, hey baby I want that car. To say the only multiples I know are online id the truth, I have never met one in real life that I know of, hell we all try so hard to be normal that you never know who is and who aint.

Has anyone in your system chosen a new name for themselves that is free of the abusive past?

No.

 What are some ways insiders or yourself have symbolized a part of their own or your collective healing process?

Well let the healing begin and I will answer that question. But I have thought about using tattoos as a symbol, I have before like marking the birth of my son, my first and last divorce, when I have been extremely angry at my wife. I figure with tattoos I could use each one as a stepping stone, or start a really big one and add onto it when a goal has been achieved.

Does anyone in your system age? Has anyone regressed? Are these changes permanent/semi-permanent/in the moment?

I don’t really know, Khayleth has an air of age or wisdom or even maturity to him, but as far as ageing I don’t know, maybe they age when I do???

Without being too detailed can you give an idea of the structure of your system? (house system, layer system, room system, city system, school classroom system, ring system, office building system, etc.)

I cannot define the structure of my system yet I guess it is all still too new to me.

Does your internal geography include a specific location for memories? (library, theater, filing cabinets, etc.)

I need to define what internal geography is.

In what ways do you differ from the body?

If by body you mean different aspects then I don’t differ from the body.

Does your system include individuals of both genders? If yes, do they include all stages of development, i.e. young, middles, teens and adults?

I do not know about genders, but I have suspected that there might be more than one gender, I do know that I have adults and I am not really sure what age anger is, he reminds me of me in my late teens.

How do you manage those insiders who are abuser loyal?

I don’t have to worry over managing them the abuser is dead. But I will tell you this some part of me my whole life has tried to have a relationship with the fear giver our entire lives.

Estimate the known size of your system(s) as a whole.

As far as I can tell right now there are only two aspects beside myself, and who knows I might be one aspect also, wow that sent a shiver up my spin, kind of like when you first wake up and don’t know if you are awake or really asleep, what if I am the alter and one of the others is the host, main mind or whatever you call it. I don’t feel like that, but the what ifs could drive you insane.


Do you do money saving things for your inside little’s such as take them to the library to check out books?

No.

If you could have a photo album of insiders, photos taken inside, where everyone looks as they do, describe 5 pictures you’d like to have in your album.

Well considering that I only know of the two of them, I don’t think that I would like to have pictures of them at this point and time.

Name one major internal event that’s happened in the last year. (You do not have to go into detail, tell anything you don’t want to, or even describe the event.)

The only major internal event that has happened in the last year really is the knowing of Khayleth’s name. Other than that no self harm, only small acts of self destruction.

Do you find that while all heck is breaking lose inside your body language and facial expression may be blank, expressionless, or non-revealing of the inner turmoil?

Of course, I go into what I call black outs, become motionless and stone faced arms straight at my sides, feet firmly planted shoulder width apart, and will stay in that position for a long while. But it is quite revealing, also happens when things get too rough on the outside also.

Who is one person in your life whom you wish you could tell about your insiders, or if they know, who is someone you wish you could make better understand things?

I think I would tell my mother, I feel that she would have understood better than anyone. She claimed to have MPD and well she could possibly have been right, she was one kooky bird, but that was my mother for you. I actually wish you could have known my mother before she turned into whatever it was she became, a drug addict, addicted to prescription drugs. She would understand why I became fractured in the first place hell she was there.

Name a significant children’s book or story. Why is that a significant book?

Charlotte’s Web, I really don’t remember reading the book but I do remember drawing from the book and giving the fear giver the drawings and him enjoying them, I wonder if he ever kept them or if in a fit of rage destroyed them like all the relics of my past.

Do you have anyone to read aloud or onto tape or cd for you? Have you ever read onto tape or cd for your little’s?

No, and no. kind of sad though if I do have little’s.

What is something you own, because of one of your little’s, that you sometimes wonder if others have also and would feel comforted to know that it’s common rather than abnormal? (such as bottles, pacifiers, child tooth brushes, sippy cups, teethers, rattles, blocks, baby toys, a bib, etc.)

You see nothing remains of my childhood past, my fear giver destroyed all of the things from my childhood in a fit of rage against my mother leaving him one of numerous times.

In one sentence say something positive about being Multiple.

I am never alone even in a room by myself, I always have someone to talk to. I think that is part of how I survived almost being killed when I was a child.

List 2 characteristics of traits about yourself that you are proud of.

I could sit here for hours thinking and still not come up with one let alone two things. Not that I am really proud of.

Name 3 positives for the day.

I did not lose my temper, I did not lose my temper, and I did not lose my temper.

Name up to 10 female insiders and 10 male insiders. (if you have 20 or more insiders, if you have less name who you have or know…).

Hell people you want me to name 20 aspects inside of my head, I only know of the two anger and Khayleth. So far that is it but I am sure with time and work there will be more that will happen when it will.

What is one thing you do to manage your stress?

Read, I read to lose myself into another world until I can calm down enough to renter my world and try to fix the issues.

How can you tell when other insiders are getting stressed, distressed, uncomfortable or frightened by something?

It is like a talking bomb goes off in my head each moving, talking, sometimes yelling, and sometimes moving me from the place I am, to another location completely.

Have you read any good books on the topic of DID? If so, what is the name of the book? How does your life differ from what is revealed in the book? What is one similarity?

I have not read any books on DID, I need to I know but it is one of those things that I keep putting off, like making a decision on a therapist.

Have you been able to sit through the movie Sybil from start to finish?

I haven’t even downloaded it, you see it is much like my above answer I am afraid to watch it.

Have you seen any interviews about Multiplicity either Cam West on Oprah, Trudy Chase when she was on TV, or that Oxnam guy who wrote one of the most recent personal accounts of DID?

No actually I haven’t, I didn’t even know she had done those interviews, I will look them up and try to get the courage to watch them.

Are you aware of individual insiders having disorders or symptoms of their own? (such as chronically depressed insiders, autistic insiders, insiders with pdd, adhd insiders, and other factors like self harm or alcoholism.)

Anger was in control of most of my teens and early twenties and he was my drug addict, speed, coke, pot, those were my mood stabilizers back then. I am sure that anger is ADHD as was I and I am still ADD even today. On the others I cannot say.

How do you handle medications? Do you have one person who takes everything, or do you try to target specific insiders with specific medications? Do you have rules about who can and can’t take the meds?

I don’t like to take meds, a lot of the time they make me feel weird and out of sorts, and I guess I take the meds, I have reminders set on my cell phone about what time and what pills to take. I don’t really have any rules about who can or can’t take the meds, we just do. Whether we like it or not.

Do insiders socialize with each other in your system? Do only certain groups hang out together? Does anyone have a friend that doesn’t live in the same area as they do? Do you ever have organized activities, get-togethers or sleepovers inside?

Hell no they don’t even get along they are the opposites of each other. They mostly hang out by themselves and they are all inside if me, and there is no organization to my mind and or system.

Do you have any justice system inside? Be it court, jail, police, warriors, protectors who work internally rather than externally…

I can and will say that anger and Khayleth go head to head quite a bit, I would guess they are warriors in a sense, and it takes one to overpower the other to determine the outcome. But I have no jail, or courts or police it is just them and me and I have the final say so.

Do you have any insiders who never come out?

I am sure there are others that have not come forward yet, due to the battles between the other two, it is like the fear giver all over again, with only me right now to protect myself and anybody else in there.

Do you have mute insiders? Do you have insiders who talk inside, but will not talk when they are out in the body? What is your idea about why that is?

I do believe I have mute aspects that sometimes I hear faint touches of them in my mind, kind of like a soft breeze that moves the curtain at your window, I hear no voice but feel the movement. I know right now I am at a raw stage and there are some pretty powerful emotions inside of me that are pulling and pushing to see about control and trying to find an even ground to begin working from, so it is my thought that they are waiting till they feel safe to come forward.

What comforts you? (not your little’s, or other insiders, what comforts YOU?)

Xanax, you scoff but it really helps out in an anxiety ridden world like mine. But you were looking for a different answer than that, one thing that really comforts me is my sons laughter, it always comes from the belly and it makes me feel better to hear it, also being in nature helps me a lot out in the woods by myself to stop look and listen to the worlds around me, also I love a good fantasy or science fiction novel, it allows to me to travel to other worlds and discover new things and distracts from the problems at hand, and blogging about everything that comes into my head.

Talk about something funny that happened inside.

Very little funny happens inside of me right now, but I did have a mental picture of anger stomping off after our last little show down and tripping on his own feet, then looking around to see if anybody noticed, does that count?

If you were to think of yourself and your insiders as tools in a tool box, what tool would you be?

I would be a multi-tool because it has so many things to hand that you might need at a any given notice.

Where do you see yourself and your system 2 years from now? 4 years from now?

Right now I can’t seem to think past today, so I don’t know where me and my system will be in four years, probably fighting the zombie apocalypse, lol.

What do you think online support groups do for you and for your insiders? What do you feel you contribute to the groups?

I have yet to run across an online group for DID I know they are out there and have heard some good and bad things about them. I am willing to try one if one were suggested to me.

Other than therapy and online support groups, what other supports do you in dealing with DID?

The only other support in have right now is my family and they might not fully understand what is happening, but they are doing their own research including my 12 year old son, who just wants his dad back.

Have you and the other insiders ever tried to write or construct a personal narrative?

Khayleth and I have tried on several different occasions to have a written discussion on my blog but have yet to finish a whole conversation. If this is what you are meaning.

Do you allow your little’s to draw/color or in other artistic ways express themselves?

No.

What are some interests your little’s have that place them in a particular time? (such as games, TV shows or music that fits in a specific time period… like they love howdy doody… or wish they lived with the brady bunch.)

You know I am guessing because I really don’t know if I have little’s or not but I do like to watch cartoons especially the older ones found on Boomer Rang. And when I first starting having major panic attacks I would watch Disney’s Sword in the Stone and it would calm me down enough to go to sleep and that was before the Xanax. But as far as it placing them in a time no in particular.

In the first 10 years of your life can you recall a time you felt safe? Tell something about that time.

The only times I felt safe during the first ten years of my life were when my mother would leave the fear giver and go and stay at my Grandmamma, I could be free there to run through the pine trees, to be a child and to actually play without the fear of recriminations. I could live by not being in fear that the fear givers coffee would get cold before I could get to it and refill it. Or that I had only fifteen minutes to do the dishes or I would get whatever was handy up against some part of my body and have to hide the bruises or face more anger and fear.

Did you have more than one abuser?

I wonder if you could call my mother an abuser, it was never a physical thing with her it was that she was never there, was always chasing after some man all over the united states and forever leaving David in charge of me, both of us little children ourselves. So in a way she was an abusive mother.

At what body age did you reveal, or was the abuse found out about?

It was known the whole time but the military just hushed it up and swept it under the rug, they needed that crazy son of a bitch to get the secrets that they needed. It was normal life for the rest of us, we didn’t know any better. We were his little soldier experiments, psychological, emotional and physical experimentations to see what limits we could survive. We became as much monsters as he was, especially when I was in my teens and twenties, oh such things I did I will never reveal here, but I was twisted and on drugs, how many times should I have died, if it were not for the actions of the fear giver I probably would have, do you know the approached me to walk in his shoes, sick bastards.

Were you ever a foster child, lived in a group home, or were hospitalized on a juvenile psych ward?

No never we were never to appear to be anything but normal little boys in public, if we had any problems we were told to keep them to ourselves and never to tell anyone about our family, we were so deep in the military that it didn’t matter anyway, fear is a very powerful living breathing thing that can control even the strongest of men, you find me even scared, but scared is different from fearful, and nothing is as bad as that.

What do you do inside to try to curb or stop other insiders from re-enacting abuse on other insiders or on you?

Well I allow them to battle each other for their place right now and Khayleth is the stronger of the two, so we don’t allow any abuse to go on the last time that happened we tried to kill ourselves.

Do you hold any groups inside, teams? Any sort of organized system management?

Not at this time, we are too new to this.

Give one piece of advice to someone newly diagnosed with DID.

Have patients with yourself, it hurts and is scary right now but it does get easier with time, and don’t rush what can’t be rushed like the memories of the abuse, that to may come in time or it may not. Work towards collecting all the little pieces of yourself and allow them to cooperate with you and themselves.

If the process of healing, becoming self aware and aware of others inside was on a scale from newly diagnosed to seasoned veteran where do you think you’d fall on that scale?

Newly diagnosed, it is where I am.

 What encourages you to continue on… be it with therapy or with internal cooperation or whatever your choice for proceeding is.

Finding others out there that are still alive and functioning as best they can give me the encouragement to continue.

If you have ever been hospitalized for psych stuff, did the staff know you were DID? How did they handle this?

I was not diagnosed with DID until well after my last hospital stay, then they were mostly concerned with my depression and self harm issues and  only mildly interested that I was having blackouts. So I saw a neurologist for that and they said that although I had very rapid brain patterns that I was not having any type of seizure, they referred me to my P and after hearing my story he diagnosed me with DID.

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4 Responses to “Here is Part One in DID poll that I have been taking”

  1. This is an amazing account of DID; well done for getting it all out. Do you feel better for writing it down?

    • if i said yes ans no would that be a good answer? i still have alot of confusion about things which i hope will be helped with therapy and talking to my shrink again.

  2. SPECIAL KAYE Says:

    one thing at a time, one step at a time, on day at a time…very good job honey. i know this wasnt easy for you. we will make it through all of this chaos…together.

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