Feeling backed into a corner…..

Disclaimer: these are my private thought patterns and are in no way intended to hurt anger or cause a fight in anyway, if you chose to interpret in such a manner then it is about you and not what I have written.

Dan Kline

Well I knew I would figure out what has been bothering me for the last few days, not just yesterday. I feel like I am being pushed into a corner about this whole moving back

backed into a corner; decisions to be made

or going to the country issue, like yesterday when Gerri found out I had almost 20k in money floating in cyberspace somewhere, she wants me to buy a generator and take her to the country in Ohio county which has a cabin on it but it is not insulated, it has a tin roof and only one window and 2 doors and a fucked up broke down deck on the front, she wants me to put up insulation in the “corn crib” that’s what we call it, because they would store corn in there to dry. Put in a window unit AC and get all her machines in there so she can be in nature, sure why not I can do all these things and do them by myself, it would take me one day to hang the insulation, then I would have to put in a window and 2 doors just to seal it up to do that to keep cold air from the air conditioner from escapimg the building, but yes I can do it and be doing it in 100 degree temperatures. I would love to do this for her. Problem one, I will be doing it by myself, not too much of an issue I could enlist Dylan’s help. Problem two, how do I get the materials down there plus all of her equipment and all our stuff for camping? I will need at least 8 rolls of insulation, two doors and various shims and door sealing materials and one window. Problem three, I don’t know the sizes of the windows and doors so I don’t know what sizes to buy. Now I don’t know if I am being selfish here or not but as hot as it has been she won’t be able to sit around and wait for me to do all the work that needs to be done to the corn crib so she said that she would wait up at her daddies till I was done, it will take more than one day to finish this little job, especially with just me an Dylan, and here is problem four, I don’t have the tools to do this job with so I would have to purchase new tools, now that don’t hurt my feelings at all, I can definitely use the tools.

Now let me explain about going back to Russels, well she and Russel have been communicating back and forth without me knowing, that in itself is not an issue but I feel they have been talking about when we will be coming back down to his house. She even went so far as to tell me that he and Kim his wife have not had a fight since we left there. Ok good for them, is she taking care of the babies like she is supposed to, is she doing more work around the house to help out her husband, none of that has been brought up, and she has said that Russel had rearranged the upstairs bedroom so that Gerri could be up there and we would have some space to ourselves, well hell I appreciate the hell out of that. Problem five, Gerri will be upstairs all day most of the time by herself, now she would have to go up and down stairs just to go to the bathroom, and hell she can barely walk on a flat surface let alone navigate stairs with no railing, her reply to that is it will give me exercise that I need anyway, ok so why haven’t you been using the stairs right here for exercise? Like I was saying I know why she wants to go to the country, one the reduced pollution will help her breath better, two it will give her mother a break from us living with her, three she might and I mean might be able to get outside in the fresh air, but one problem it has been as hot there as it is here and yes they have less pollution than we do in Louisville. Problem six, what if I have to start taking her to respiratory therapy, and what if it is more than one day a week, we will have to ride in the car for two hours every time she has to go and if it is more than one time a week we will be spending an ass load of money for gas, and not let us forget I have no air conditioning in my car, either of them. Now it is quite possible that she could do her therapy in Elizabeth Town and that would be great and that puts us at problem seven, it will still be a 30 minute ride to Etown to get her to the therapist, in a car with no air. I don’t think I am being unfair here I am just thinking about her well being, but I am getting stone walled at every turn here by her, she really wants to go back to the country and I have been placating her with half promises and giving her the brush off for quite awhile.

She is right about the way we are living here with each other we stay in separate areas and we do our own thing away from each other,  but what makes her think it will be any different there than here I cannot carry her o2 machine and he cpap machine up and down the stairs every time she wants to come downstairs, and that is what she will want me to do, and has said as much already, and now we come to problem eight, the upstairs has only got one window unit in the entire up stairs and the other end of the upstairs has no window glass in the window, now Russel says it is cool up there but how cool, is it enough to keep Gerri comfortable? Will it be enough to where she can relax and get the required rest that she needs? I don’t have the answers to these questions we would just have to go and see for ourselves if it will be the right temperature for Gerri and her needs. She has become more demanding every day and I feel like she is backing me into a corner and forcing to make a decision and to be honest there are too many variables that I don’t have answers for. Not to mention that I have my own reservations about returning to Russels, and so far those are being overlooked I am not saying she is not taking my issues into consideration but she is now making excuses for Kim and her behavior, she has been on medication for awhile and she and Russel haven’t been fighting, that don’t mean that if we move in there that the added stress of having a whole other family wont fuck that up, and the added stress of just daily life with nine people living in the same house wont unhinge the woman. She might be doing better now but that is with just her family and their routine, not adding our routine and the way we do things to the factor.

I do know that Gerri mother is getting worn out, all she does is take care of Gerri by getting her all her pills and herbal supplements, hell I couldn’t even begin to figure out her system of getting that to her. He mother has been sleeping later than normal and has been running around like a chicken with her head cut off, but that part is no different than she has always been, she is a runner always going somewhere and doing something. So for problem nine I think, and this is turning out to be a great issue probably not only with me but with Gerri mother as well, we are all on different sleep schedules, mom has hers, I have mine and Dylan and Gerri don’t have one at all, I think that if we were all on the same sleep schedule that it would be easier on her mother, now Gerri is a little different she needs a lot more sleep than the rest of us do, but even if Dylan, myself and Nanny were on the same sleep schedule it would be easier and I have basically given up hope of Dylan sleeping in his own bed and I do have a reason why, apparently he is needing to be close to his mother in order to feel like she is safe, and I can fully understand that, it is a fear for him. But I could use some help to get him to sleep at a decent hour instead of being up all night worrying over Gerri, and she is not helping me with that. Ok so I will have to figure that part out separately. Well that is about it I am glad that I have figured out what has been bothering me, although writing it down doesn’t make it any easier it does sort of put it in perspective for me now, and I do know what I need to work on and how soon my nefarious plans we be made.

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

4 Responses to “Feeling backed into a corner…..”

  1. The thing about problems, Dan, is that they can be solved. 20K is awesome, but it also isn’t infinite. The country is clearly important for Gerri (heck, it’s even in her Gravatar profile), and the problems you see are not insignificant. What is encouraging, though, is that you are also beginning to work out their solutions. When you have them all worked out – perhaps life will be just that little bit better.

    • So do you think I should give up how I feel in the whole matter and just take her back to the country? Am I being fair to here or am i being selfish for my own reasons of wanting t stay put?

      • Here’s a suggestion: make a list of ten pros and ten cons – five for Gerri and five for you – about moving to the country. Then, whe you’re feeling lucid, sit down and talk about them with her. Perhaps this might help you to see each other’s point of view.

        Note: I am no love doctor, so this mIght not work at all – it’s just a thought.

      • Well i have told her that if she wants to move back to the country we can and we talked about it earlier actually face to face instead of messenger and i told her that i am willing to take her back there, i have done more research on COPD and found it to be extremely fatal if not handled correctly i will go through heaven and hell for her and my issues can be worked on when i am not helping her, i will continue to take my meds and stay strong the course no matter which way the winds blow. you will find no truer friend and husband than i. it maybe easier for us to stay here but if she is better for being in the country then it is a done deal. i did a nice thing forr her yesterday knowing how much she likes nature i went and bought 6 or 7 little house plants for her with color and each is different than the other, but then i got told i needed to repot them so i had to go back and buy bigger pots and replant them to the tune of over 100 dollars, but it is done and now she at least has a little indoor garden to look at since she cant get outside right now. so i will deal with the situation in the country, hell i might just become a drunk, no cant do that either well i will figure something out, and i just have to say this, you are a real friend even though we have never met in person and you always try to help me with ideas and answers even when you say you cant and well you always do and i want you to know i appericate it very much, if there is anything i can do for you ever and i mean ever and it is within my capabilities to do i will do it no questions asked and no justification needed either

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