Heard of enter the Dragon, well it is different, Enter the Asshole…..

So I have come to the conclusion that any and all things I do are bound to become shit, literal shit. I am feeling like a shit, because I have made a decision that effects our entire family as a whole, you see once again I am talking about the country, and I made the decision to stay in Louisville for convience sake. But I look at my wife laying on the couch, uncomfortable, not looking like she is getting better, all she does is sleep, eat and go to the bathroom bad enough for me to watch, I can’t imagine what it feels like for her. She was once so vibrant and so full of energy and positivity that for me to see her like this wrenches my heart in my chest. I want my wife to be well and not to be in pain so much and to be able to breathe better, have I taken that away from her by deciding to stay in Louisville instead of going back to the country? Am I being selfish for not wanting to go back for my own reasons, is it is hard for me to put someone else before me, which is what it feels like, that now I am putting myself before what she needs or thinks she needs. And it is not just Gerri I have to think of there is Dylan, who has nothing to do, I mean yes he has a computer, XBOX, IPod and a better TV in his room than we have in the living room. But you can only play so many games on the XBOX or the laptop and you can only watch so much TV, he is lonely. At Russels yes the children were small and they are a lot younger than Dylan but he had them to play with and chase around and to make him smile and laugh, which is not been happening a lot here, well only if he finds something funny on TV and I miss seeing him smile and laugh just to laugh. He spends most of the time sleeping just like his mother and I think he is getting depressed with nothing to do. So I ask again am I being selfish for not going back to the country, it seems to be all about me and what I want and not that I am thinking of the good of the family. And we really have to talk about Nanny she is worn out just trying to help with Gerri Kaye, she is getting up in the middle of the night to help with whatever and cooking all the meals and making sure that Gerri gets all of her supplements and that she gets her herbal teas and well pretty much everything else, she has gone from being active in the last several weeks to staying in bed during the day when she would normally be running, we in just the fact of being here are wearing her down. Then there is me, irritable, grumpy, getting snappy and angry at everything no matter how small. Not really doing anything but reading, watching movies, writing and taking care of Gerri Kaye, I am going through 12 to 15 cans of chew a week and eating Little Debbie Snack cakes like they were crack, I swear I will spend 40 dollars just on snack cakes and they will be gone in less than a week, on top of eating the cakes and deserts that Nanny makes, I don’t eat much regular food, it hurts my mouth too much and even the sweets hurt but they are soft and easy to chew and easy to get at, so I eat them instead of getting a piece of fruit, do you know how much I miss my fruit, peaches, plums, strawberries, grapes, nectarines, blackberries and raspberries, all of them I used to eat them all but since I have no money to go to the dentist and even takes money to go to the dental school downtown, and actually I am afraid of the dentist, but they are a necessary evil I suppose, it doesn’t help that several of the meds I take have tooth loss as a side effect, well it effects the gums and thus the teeth. So if I don’t do something to change the way we are living we are all going to go silently insane, but do we really have to go back to the country? I ;like the country I just can’t handle the stress that comes with living in a house with 9-10 people in it and the fact that my wife will be stuck upstairs in a small room with not windows to look out of and see the country and I don’t know about the temperature up there that is a major factor in how Gerri feels, if it is too hot it will make her cough and that will in turn cause more pain and more mucus and probably another round of bronchitis, which she doesn’t need, I have got a lot of fans hell we even use them now because of the temperature fluctuation in this house if it is 100 degrees outside it is going to get hot inside no matter what the air conditioner does, it is just going to happen, so what about August it is supposed to be the hottest summer in history for Louisville, so what will it be like in the country, 100 degrees beating down on an attic room with no central air and the heat coming up from downstairs it is going to get hotter up there than they all realize, I have been up there when it was only 80 degrees outside and it was hot, plain and simple hot, even with the window unit on 60 degrees and pumping like a son of a bitch. See my reasons for not going are very valid but the effect of living here is valid too.

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So I am an asshole for not thinking of the sanity of my family and there comfort, I don’t think so. But what can I do to change how it feels around here, how to make it lighter, how to make my wife more comfortable, when my money comes we are buying a sleep number bed for her that moves like a hospital bed and we are going to put it in the room where I am sleeping moving the bed that is in here out so she can be in here that will be better for her and me I get to sleep with my wife, it seems like ages since that has happened and I will be right next to her if something happens and it won’t bother the rest of the house, and Nanny will get her living room back, she is going to need a new couch which I will end up paying for no doubt, the one she has, has lost its cushiony feeling and Gerri says she can feel the boards in the couch, not good for her back. And why doesn’t she sleep in here with me now, no room. No room for her machines, or even for her to walk around safely only one side the bed and she would have to crawl across the bed a lot and no place to plug in her machines and have any room to move. Now I don’t know how much difference the other bed will make, it will be as big as this one in here, we will have to take some things out of here just to be comfortable, and man what a chore that will be you should see the size of this furniture it is massive, and I mean massive. Now what to do about Dylan, there is no one to play with here and that is a complication, there are kids around but apparently he won’t go outside and meet any of them, hell across the street are a couple of boys that look his age, at least go outside and hang out so they know you are there, but he doesn’t, always wants to go to the trailer park and see Ethan, not that I have a problem with that, and he wants Ethan to spend the night here sometimes but the bicker back and forth like little fucking girls all I hear when he and Ethan are together is shut up and stop Ethan, well look if you don’t like what he is doing and he won’t stop than stop hanging out with him find new friends. He doesn’t like the school in the country he said he had no friends there, well you were only there for around 3 weeks and did you try to make any friends, nope. Well I hate to break it to you kiddo you will have to go to a new school here and how well do you think that will go over, at least there you didn’t have to wear a uniform to school every day you could wear what you want and if they did make fun of your clothes and call you a city kid well guess what, you are a city kid, you have lived most of your life in the city and it is what you are, and they find that different, we could have bought you different clothes if you want but you were stuck with what you had at the time, south pole shirts , levis and skater shoes which you picked out the shoes so I don’t want to hear about them and your Nanny bought most of the clothes that she thought you would wear and you did. Oh and did I tell you that they won’t make an appointment for me and my Doctor till I pay 145 dollars, I said I would bring them the money when I came in for my appointment but no I have to pay first then the appointment, well fuck me running blue it always comes down to money doesn’t it.

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline


5 Responses to “Heard of enter the Dragon, well it is different, Enter the Asshole…..”

  1. I am sorry for these situations. I especially feel for Dylan, who by all accounts has been so strong through all of this.

    Dan – when you are there, when you are you: I believe you can make the right decision. I hear the love for your family in your words.

    And no – I’m NOT telling you to move to the country. I’m just saying that you ARE considering your family, and not just yourself, and if you look deep inside you, you can find the right way forward.

    In five years – what choice will you be able to live with?

    • you are wise beyond your years my friend, may I call you friend. you seem to know what it is that I need to hear and when i need to hear it. for this i am gratefull beyond mere words, ah but only i were half the writer you are i could could explain myself a bit better, Scribe Master

    • you are wise beyond your years my friend, may I call you friend. you seem to know what it is that I need to hear and when i need to hear it. for this i am gratefull beyond mere words, ah but only i were half the writer you are i could could explain myself a bit better, Scribe Master
      All bullshit aside i seen the struggles with all of us everyday and i think to myself how much harder would it be down there. i realize things are not so great here right now, but i know with a little imagination and a little help I can make things here easier, we want for nothing and nothing is asked of us unless we want to try. and i feel Dylan is the one who will be most hurt by this, Gerri and I are old soldiers and can march on despite the pain, but my son, i worry for him the most, you have been the one have spoken to the most about this issue and i am at a loss as to how i should proceed, i mean i have made up my mind that we are not going to the country, but now i have to come up with ways to make it better around here for all of us

      • This is something I don’t have an answer for, but let me tell you what’s happening here. I had a terrible breakdown last night, and it caused stress and fear beyond words to both my wife AND my son, both of whom were kept awake for hours by my screams and sobs.

        So what did my incredible, wonderful, beautiful and selfless wife say today? That she wants to do something special for our son, something out of the ordinary, something he has been dying for – something that would make him say, “this is the best day ever!”. And you know what we’re going to do tomorrow? We’re going to an aquarium.

        Yep – as simple as that. And I would have never thought of it. I’m looking forward to it, and hoping that I can keep it together – because it’s what HE deserves.

      • Very cool, we went to the movies a couple of days ago and we are supposed to go to the cabin real soon but we will see, thanks for the support

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