Just so that I understand for myself…..


I write and I write and I write and I write some more, and yet even with my last post did I really get the point across that I wanted to get across. So I write again and hope

my family

that this time I get it right for me, to tell you what I really want to tell you.

I am scared; first and foremost I am scared. I am scared of how I feel and the way that I may or may not react to any situation that comes forward. Will I get it right or will I just get mad and be mean, or will I handle it in a calm manner and make a good choice, the right choice. Second I am scared, I cannot imagine a life without my wife and the reality of that has been hitting me over the last several days, she is not in the best of conditions right now and is in the final stages of COPD, the most critical stages. Her lungs have expanded to the point that her rib cage cannot expand any further, her muscles and tendons are to the point of snapping, they can’t stretch anymore. We are not sure what to do to get the excess air out of her lungs to reduce the pressure on her bones, muscles and tendons. Third I am scared for my son, he is changing right in front of my eyes, I can see the depression and the anxiety he feels inside, mostly for his mother, and I can see the trepidation when he looks at me and wonders if he can approach me and talk to me, not knowing if I am going to snap at him or be nice, mostly as of late I have been snapping, it is the fear that does it to me and I don’t know how to change that.

I am angry, for that I have really no other reason than when I get scared the protector aspect comes out in me and that is anger, it switches me from being scared to being angry, anger can deal with everything that is thrown at me and let it bounce off me like bullets off the man of steel, I have no other way to explain that then the way I have.

I am doubtful, do I really have DID, am I really as mentally sick as all of that, or am I just making this up as I go along, pretending to be others that I am supposed to have inside of my head, I think they are real, but are they really real or is it me playing a game with myself? I have so many questions that I want to ask and nobody to ask them of, I cannot go back to my Doctor till I pay him the money I owe and I don’t know when my money is coming in so I don’t know when I will get to see him again it could be up to 2 months before my money comes in. so I sit in ignorance and guilt and question every thought that I have, are Khayleth and Serena real, god I hope so cause if I am making this shit up what have I done to myself. And even as I doubt them I feel the tingle in my brain that something is there, I want it to be them, and yet I find myself in a lot of doubt not really giving them the recognition that they are real and a part of me. Damn I just don’t know.

I am confused, I just don’t know what to do anymore, I have been labeled disabled and I won’t even make enough money to live and take care of my family on my own, how do they expect you to live with so little money a month, I don’t even make enough to pay rent on a place of our own, are we going to have to live with her mother for the rest of our lives, yes Gerri will be getting disability too but we don’t know how much, hell we were struggling on 3 grand a month, so how can the little pittance that we will make on disability help us to keep on our own feet. It scares the hell out of me, how am I going to make Gerri comfortable when we can’t live on our own.

I am no longer that cock strong, balls to the walls, do what it takes to get it done mother fucker anymore, I am now a scared, angry bitter man that feels like his very future is unknown, and to be honest it is unknown, we don’t know what is going to happen from day to day and that is how we live from day to day, the only thing that in am thankful for is that my wife makes noise in the middle of the night so that I know she is still there. This makes me feel like a child again listening for my mother to snore so that I know she is there, at least for the night.

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

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3 Responses to “Just so that I understand for myself…..”

  1. You have made your point, and well, too, Dan. Khayleth, Serena, Anger – they are not real as Gerri and I can see them, but they are real.

    It must be a terrifying thing not to know what is real. But there are things, perhaps, you can rely on: Gerri is real. Dylan is real.

    So a thought: go to Dylan, before he comes to you. When Khayleth is calm and Serena is behind you, and Anger nowhere to be seen – go to him. Talk to him. Listen to him. If he shouts, if he rejects you – leave, and try again. And don’t ever stop trying. Your son needs you, and I believe you can be there for him.

    Your wife needs you, and I believe you can be there for her, too.

    I wonder: have you spoken to Dylan about your diagnosis? About the others? We have spoken to our son about my own mental issues, and it helps him to understand that it isn’t HIS fault.

    Your family is beautiful, Dan; you are very lucky.

    • I really dont think that we have told Dylan exactly what is wrong with me but he knows about the depression and anxiety, I dont think he knows about the DID,guess it is time to sit him down and really explain it to him so he might better understand it

  2. SPECIAL KAYE Says:

    honey, i know you are scared. I am too. But I WILL beat this…get me to nature and I am going to ask you to help me do some things. to keep my muscles strong and from getting any weaker. I have a plan and I am going to get better…when have you ever known me to give up??? Well I AM NOT starting now. Get me to nature…it will help me regain my strength. I am a nature person….and been away from it too long. I refuse to leave just yet i have a lot of life left to live. oh and i love you and you are not loosing your mind. we will get you to the dr…..promise. together we can conquer anything….

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