Put on faces like players on the stage…..

You see I can sit here and talk about all kinds of shit, day in and day out and that is what 90% of my post really is, bullshit. But it is that 10% that is left when I really open up and talk about what it is to be me or what it is to have certain feelings, that is when I begin to self doubt, why did you write this, you know nobody else is going to believe any of what you say, but I still write it and I even post it in the hopes that there is at least one other person out there who will understand what I am feeling, and feeling like. Then comes the emotions, fear, helplessness, anger, shame, self recriminations and the inevitable self harm even to the point of walking out to my favorite corner and standing there.

I cant read, I cant watch movies, all I do is sit and wonder why I gave another piece of myself to total strangers, when I know that there are those out there that wont believe the same way I do and will ridicule me and tell me I am wrong for my beliefs, it makes me feel insecure, but then I ask myself this question, why do you care? Well acceptance for one, and I don’t want to lose the friends I have made here, they have become valuable to me, and then i ask myself why have they become valuable to you, well you see my lifestyle right now makes it almost completely impossible to make friends the old fashioned way, and quite frankly doing it that way scares the bloody living hell out of me, to put myself out there to be rejected, fuck that.

So I have been sitting here all morning, well actually half sleeping and thinking about why I put the things I do out there for people to read,  what kind of message am I sending, what do I really want them to think about me. Do I even want them to like me, there aint much here to like I will tell you that. I am all over the place with my emotions and I barely have my anger under control, I am a dick most of the time, my wife is loving my son is always pissed, and all I can do is my best, which is never enough. I give all that I have to give everyday and it all ways seems to fall short. I am scared most of the time, and anxious and very, well the only word I can use is fearful all the time. I am scared for myself, I am scared for my wife and I feel bad for my son. He is living in a fucked up situation, crazy father, sick mother. Well I don’t know what to do. What that does to me is make me feel and act the opposite of the way I really feel, I turn sullen and angry, I snap at everyone and I dump my feelings on the internet for the whole world to read. It makes me want to run, as far and as fast as I can to out run how I am feeling it triggers a fight or flight syndrome. Even telling you my belief system has left me in an emotional shock, telling you secrets that I have held in me for so long they are like an appendage, and then telling it to whoever will read it is like an amputation of that appendage, waiting for the inevitable response that the way I believe is wrong and all that goes with that. I feel like I am full of shit, that the things I am telling you are not the truth, not the real me, how can they be, is what I have to say important, are the things and stories I am telling really true, do I really have DID or is just some shit I am making up as I go along, I don’t know what to think anymore and yet here I am spilling my guts for all if you to read, I don’t even know why I am doing it. I am sitting here feeling sorry for myself, that is what I am doing and I cant seem to stop and I cant tell anyone else here because I don’t want to put more on them than they already have. I guess that is why I am writing. Forget about the cowboy, the soldier and the rest of that shit all that we have here is a 42 year old man that is afraid of himself and the world around him, I am nothing of those other things anymore, they were a past and a dream that once was, the reality is this, I am weak, I am scared, I am angry and I don’t understand what is happening to me and I have no one to help me.

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline


2 Responses to “Put on faces like players on the stage…..”

  1. Hi…i’ve just come across your blog for the first time and can really relate to what you’ve written here. We learnt not to have respect for ourselves from a very early age and those habits are hard to break but i honestly believe that life won’t be like this forever and that it is possible to start having more good than bad days and i think/hope that will happen for you too.
    I also have a son and for years and years and years thought what am i doing…he is having to go through so much while living with me, but, my son is an adult now and he’s doing ok, even been to uni so please don’t be so hard on yourself….much of the time we tend to see things a lot worse than they actually are.
    you are doing your best and that’s all anyone can do 🙂

  2. That last phrase, Dan…that is the most succinct, apt and heartbreaking piece you have ever written. I am so sorry for your fear; I can’t imagine what it is like to not even trust your own mind, to not know who you will wake as, or wake up to find. It must be so scary.

    And maybe there is no one who can “help” you, and for that matter there may be no help to have. But you DO have people who will hold you, and people who will be there with you. Accept their help, Dan. Your family, they love you. Think of your son, and think of when you go to the movies. Think of those little moments of joy, of happiness – and hold on to them, tightly. There will be more of them, and if nothing else in all the world, they become the things to live for.

    There comes a point when you are broken down to the very core, and you are backed up against the wall – and you are faced with the decision: what can you simply not live with? What has to give, in order for you to survive? There are elements to your character that are unbreakable, whether you want them to be or not. It might not be bravery; it might not be kindness. In the darkness of your fear, these things might vanish. But there will come a point when you will think, no: here I cannot go. And that will be the point when you will start to fight.

    These empty words float around all too often, but there is heartfelt hope behind them: things WILL get better.

Tell me what you think.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: