The what and the why of things…..

I thought that anger was where I was supposed to be today but in reality that is not true, I seem to be changing as a person each and every day, I am becoming more intellectual, more attentive, more in touch with what it is that I need as a person, and one of the things I don’t need is anger. Most of my adult life I have lived that way. I was mad at everyone and they knew it, whether they did anything to me or not. You could see it on my face, in the way I held my posture and even in the way I walked. I sent off that vibe to not mess with me and it came off in waves, and beat upon the others around me till they eventually noticed. Sometimes this brought problems others it stopped problems, but it wasn’t the others that were or are the problem, you see the actual problem was me. I mean I wasn’t rude or nasty to people I was just angry and they knew it. The real question that is plaguing me is the why, and what was I angry about. It is a question I still ask myself even now when I get mad for what seems to be no reason.

I think we will start with the why, why was I angry. Was it because all my childhood I was beat upon, yelled at and generally made to feel like shit. Well there were only two people in my life that treated me in a manner that was unbecoming and now both of them are dead. But the why is still there isn’t it. Why do I still get angry about things that are not really in my control, such as Dylan being bored, what can I really do about it but try to give him ideas on what he might do. What about getting mad because Gerri didn’t recognize that I was having problems this morning and I still don’t really feel well, and she has quite forgotten about it I can tell, I am sure she would apologize for any perceived wrong that she had committed upon me, but why bring it back up if she has already moved on and forgotten about it, the wonders of low O2 memory loss. And I know how much medicines cost so why should I be upset or angry for having to spend 400.00 on medications I had the money and she needed the scripts filled anyway. See it isn’t easy for me to point to one thing and say this is why I am angry, I could point to my childhood and say that was it bit because of my childhood, it defined the man that I became, so is that why I am angry, I don’t know. In could say that having to take care of my wife makes me angry but that isn’t true, I don’t mind taking care of her, I mean it is sometimes a pain when I am really tired and she is really needy but even then I do what needs to be done, sometimes I bitch and moan but I still want to do it, it is my job. The problem slips right over into what am I angry about, I cannot really tell you just like I can’t explain why I am angry. What and why are pretty much the same. Is what I am angry about why I am angry, it is just that simple? What and why are the same things, at this point in my life I have wasted years trying to figure out what and why I am angry, and I haven’t come up with an answer yet to those questions, and rightfully I don’t think I ever will. Let’s get back to what started this whole thing yesterday, I was the one getting the tattoo and it was my responsibility to make sure the artist was doing it correctly and I had thought I made myself clear on my instructions, but once the needle hits skin and leaves ink it is partially out of my control, what was in my control was that I could have checked to make sure he was doing exactly what I wanted, not relying on him to do it the way I wanted, but making sure he did what I wanted. Tattoo artists are very vain about their work and when someone calls to complain then it gets them in a twist and when I called to complain I could hear the anger and denial in his voice while he was talking to me. I sent a picture of my back and a copy of the original to my former First Sergeant and he said that while it was not exactly the same that he used a little creative license to make it his own  and that it did look like a P in the portion that was supposed to be the wings, he said it didn’t look like he meant to sign his work, well ok then there really was no reason for me to go there and start a big fight right, he said go ahead and go do it but remember this, the tattoo will still be the same whether you whip their ass or you get your ass whipped. End of story, there really wasn’t anything other than trying to be a better consumer for me to do.

Now onto the bigger picture, what and why I am angry. I can’t tell you either of those things, all I can say is this, I do get angry, and I do it a lot. The only one who can stop me from being angry is me, sometimes I can do that and sometimes I cannot. I still debate the whole thing with myself quite often and have never even begun to put a finger on it. All I can do is try to contain and control it the best that I can.

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline


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