Do you think I am random…..


Do you think maybe I am wrong? That I am not exactly who I seem to be? I don’t know who I am anymore I have become even more undefined, translucent if you will. I flow from one minute to the next with no expectations, no obligations, and no idea what it will bring. I am so far away from myself that I can barely recognize me, who I am now. I pretend that I am ok that I can handle all the things that are going on at once, truth be told I am not even able to handle my own thoughts let alone what is being asked of me, don’t they know, don’t you know that I am unable to do this, I said I could, I said that I would do what is needed, but you see it is only pretend, I am pretending to do what I am supposed to be doing, putting on another mask to let you all know that I am here when needed, when in truth it is I who needs, I am falling slowly between the cracks of reality and fantasy, is that what this is? Nothing but me playing a game with all of you? I have played my role to the max, it is the best performance you will ever see, as I walk around and talk to the others in my head telling them, telling me that it is going to be alright, when all I want to do is run and hide in the woods or in a dark empty warehouse so still and empty that I will notice all the things that move within my area, I am not able to get across on this blog all that I need to, I feel a fraud, a dupe, a miscreant from hell. I read and I feel so much of what all of you say and yet I feel I am not being honest with you, the fear and the anger and the let downs I feel are not translating as well as I thought they would, to tell you I am angry is one thing but can I really tell you what I am angry about? What is it that I fear, I know what I fear but can I fully get you to grasp what it is that I fear? I don’t feel real, I don’t feel like me and that scares me, I don’t want to fade away into another role another person ever again, I want to be me, scared, lost, little me.

I have met my end, and it is not here yet but it is coming fast, and it will be dangerous, I can already feel the cold hands upon my shoulders, I know the feel of those hands, they are dry, smooth, slender fingers of a man that only works with his hands a part of the time, I know if I look at the finger nails each one is trimmed to the exact same length as each and every other finger on the hand, you can smell the hair cream he used, the same one he has been using since he was a greaser on the streets of San Bernardino, California.  You ever get the feeling that someone is right behind you and you know if you turn around you will be dead, I am not turning around, he can’t make me, all he can do is wait till I get tired of his presence and turn around to face him for the final time. Will he win, will I die if I face him now, is this what he and I want to turn around and look him full in the face and say if you can take me then try, I don’t even know if I will fight him, I don’t even know if I want to.

My mind is falling to far too fast to keep up, with the events going on around me, I make shit up as I go along, to make the world see me as the person it needs to see me as.

Do you see me, am I real, or am I real or just another aspect that has taken over years ago, is this really me? Am I say I am who I am, or do I have myself confused with someone who used to be and that person couldn’t handle it and they stepped back but I had to step forward into the light to take control and now the real man inside of me is but a shadow of his former self a hollow shell. I can’t see me anymore, all I see are the masks that I put on to show the others in my life that I can do this, I can live this life. But I really don’t know if I can, you see I don’t want to die and I don’t want to be me anymore, let one of the others take over, what will it hurt, they might just do a better job at this than I ever did.

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3 Responses to “Do you think I am random…..”

  1. When my brain is to fucked up to be able to write (which seems a lot lately), I read and I always come here. You scream when I can’t and rage and rave when I just don’t have the power to do so. There is something healing to be found in your rants Dan and I hope you find that as well.

  2. This gives me chills. You are real even if for a little while at a time. We all sleep….we are real when awake and asleep. I can’t imagine though sharing my body with the control though. Someone else driving while I sleep. Keep writing…Keep feeling…Keep expressing…we are reading!

  3. Hmm…who wrote this, Dan? I can’t quite tell. No matter who, though, you’re real.

    And yes…random. We’re all random. A millionth of a chance in a million, and all of sudden we’re where we are.

    It doesn’t make it any less important.

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