Archive for July, 2012

Love this song

Posted in Music with tags on July 26, 2012 by dankline2000

I guess i am using the music as a sort of therapy tonight cant sleep, bear with me everyone i know some of it is corny but i love each and every song i put out here.

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

Damn you know I am old

Posted in Music with tags on July 26, 2012 by dankline2000

I bet half of you out there have never even heard of John Parr, he sang the theme song for St. Elmos Fire.

In the middle of the night,

Dan Kline

The song to the last posts title

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Music, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on July 26, 2012 by dankline2000

Old but still beautiful

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

Set adrift of memory blisss of you…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on July 26, 2012 by dankline2000

Set adrift, beclamed no wind to be found

So it seems that I am to write nothing but dribble today, I have started several posts and have decided I didn’t want to post them. They are everyday ordinary shit and not really what I want to talk about, in that sense I have no idea what I should write about now. I feel a sense of apathy for the day; I have been out in the heat most of the day so I will blame it on that. Right now I my give a damn is busted, meaning I really don’t give a shit one way or the other, I am tired and yet can find no solace in rest. My other aspects have seemed to be withdrawn from me lately well ever since I had that row with anger, perhaps they don’t think I handled it right, I am not sure they haven’t been speaking to me which is causing me no small amount of alarm, to say the least. To be honest if they are going to pout over it then they can just pout over it, or they are making plans for a full scale invasion, a mutiny of sorts I don’t really know, and really I am so tired that they just might be giving me my space, I am hoping it is this one and not the others because if they mutiny they just might win. It really seems like they have left me, and that scares me too, but all I can do is go on and wait and see if they decide to come back to me or not. So it seems that I do get to write about dribble and everyday things, things so mundane that they pale in comparison to what the others that I read about and live life through on this blog go one about. I have lost my will, I have no drive, I don’t want to go and do a damn thing, I don’t want to give a shit about nothing and really at this point I don’t, I don’t give a shit about nothing.

I am only hanging on by a thread but it is a strong thread and it is wrapped around the hearts of the ones I love, they hold me tethered to this life like an anchor on a Schooner my life line if you will, if ever it get s twisted or torn in two I will be lost helpless drifting on an endless ocean of misery until I finally drown of my own contempt. I feel the knots slipping as we speak, we speak of things that in the big picture have no concern, I must get you what you need in order for you to be strong, for without you I can no longer be me, I will be the town fool, and the king’s jester the only problem is I won’t be funny. I will be the fisherman at the end of the pier mending nets for the next day, old knurled fingers working swiftly to mend the tears and knots in the net, alone without wife or child. Damn I think I made myself worse by writing this post, but if you only get one thing out of this post I hope it will this, I don’t know what to do anymore, I have lost my direction and have a compass that doesn’t tell true north, I am lost at sea, adrift no wind in site becalmed if you will and only have the mermaid sirens song to keep me company, can you hear it, if you listen real close you will.

Set adrift on the sea alone,

Dan Kline

Can you name the band that the title can from if not wait till the next post it will be the video

Ads on WordPress?

Posted in Uncategorized on July 25, 2012 by dankline2000

Is anyone else getting ads now on your wordpress page? Because i am even on my dashboard. Sorry looks like it is a problem with Google Chrome and i dont know how to fix it so i switched to IE

For all my loves…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Fatherhood & Family, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on July 24, 2012 by dankline2000

With all my heart

I walk into the unlit room listening to the fans as they hum in the room. I crawl upon the floor as quietly as I can and lay my head upon her shoulder her hands automatically rub my head and in a croak she whispers are you ok, what is wrong. I softly tell her the same old thing is wrong, the same old thing is wrong, tears stinging my eyes as I feel the love that comes from her. I cannot escape the love I feel for her and I feel like I have let her down so much in life. I sit here with tears slowly making their way down my face not really knowing what they are for, are they for me or for her, I feel the aching in my heart as it wants to grieve, but I don’t know what I am grieving. I don’t feel alone right now I am surrounded by the love I feel for my wife and child, it is very overwhelming how one can love so much and yet hurt so much at the same time. A small kiss placed on the brow of my son and a whispered I love you, he mumbles a reply but I hear it just fine, I love you too. Sounds of thunder echo in the distance of the darkness I am sitting in, it is complete and I am not. I pray to the God and Goddess to send me the ability to help more than what I am doing, but I also understand I am doing a lot but it doesn’t feel like a lot to me, there is so much more needed to be done and I have not the ambition, will or energy to do the things that need to be done. For all my loves, for all my family I have to be stronger, but I ask you this how does a man get stronger when he has no more to give?

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

Did i just use the name of an old post for a new one?????

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on July 24, 2012 by dankline2000

cycles go round and round never ending never beginning

Does it ever seem to you that it feels like you are using the same names for different posts?

Does it ever seem to you that you are writing the same thing over and over and over again?

Does it ever seem that you never get answers to the posts you keep repeating?

Does it ever seem that things go in a circular motion, never ending and never beginning?

Repeating the same lines over and over and over again, only to find you are writing the same thing every time?

Repeating everything, every emotion, feeling, problem, issue, hurt, happy moment, sadness, desolation, anger, hate, should I even go on with the list. I feel as if I am caught in a loop, round and round I go.

What is it that I have to say? What is it I want to say? What can I say to explain why I am why I am?

It always comes down to the same things over and over and over again, that is the problem I can’t seem to break the cycle, I can’t seem to stop the merry go round and get off, I am driving and all I am doing is taking left turns always ending up at the same spot I had begun at. It never stops, it never stops, I want to type that till my fingers bleed, how and what do normal people do that makes them normal, I just want to be normal and live a normal life but you see I am stuck in the rinse cycle of life and the god damn machine is stuck so I can’t rinse and become dry, or normal.

With much gratefulness and attentiveness,

Dan Kline

Sometimes I wonder?????

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Fatherhood & Family, Guilt, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on July 24, 2012 by dankline2000

The Prozac, just enough to keep from quietly slipping away

The Adderall that shoots me up like air to ground lighting

The Xanax that takes away the anger and the fear and the feelings that make me twitch

The Seroquel that still leaves me only a little angry, but not quite calm

These little pills I take every day to help me seem to be normal

Do you know that I am doing uppers

Do you know I am doing downers too

I have never been quite right in my mind

I have never seen eye to eye with myself

The fact that I cannot really seem to lose the feeling of agitation

Ever feeling on edge like a drop of blood from the razor that cuts the skin

The fact that the little bit of agitation can explode at a moment’s notice and become full anger

I sleep but only on the edge of sleep, not quite awake but not quite asleep

I am going slowly insane with the sameness of it all, nothing changes, not even me

I watch, I wait, and I listen with bated breath for some sign of change knowing that it will never come

I know that the rest of my life will be spent in that waiting, losing bits and pieces of myself every single day

Sitting here laughing with my son and yet I still feel the weight of it all, putting on masks to cover the scars

I often wonder what it would be like if I just quit taking all the medications, what would I be like

Would I still be insane, would things get better or worse, what type of man would I be

Well I can’t for the life of my family ever stop taking the medications, unless I become that crazy old man in the woods that sits and drools and talks to himself and the others around him, with no one there to talk to

Finally got a break on the new bed situation…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Fatherhood & Family, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on July 24, 2012 by dankline2000

finally got a break in the bed looking department

Ok so for the last week or so Gerri and I have been looking for a adjustable bed that is a queen size and it splits in the middle so that if one person needs to sit up or raise the feet up the other person is not bothered, and well we have seen everything from $3000.00 to $6000.00 just for the base alone that is without the mattress and well that is just way too much to be spending on a bed. So as Dylan and I were moseying around town today looking at mattresses and getting him registered for school and well just plain goofing off in 105 degree weather we went to Sleep Outfitters and I found the most awesome hybrid bed that a person could want it had soft sides and gel support and memory foam and a four inch pillow top, it was the most comfortable bed I have ever lain in, in my life. I instantly fell in love with it and it wasn’t even half of what the frames for the other beds cost, so I snapped it up I got the mattress, box springs, frame, two I love my pillow pillows and Dylan wanted a tempurpedic neck pillow and a mattress pad for, wait, wait for it, ok I got the whole thing for $1605.98 and that included set up, delivery and haul away if I wanted. I was so fucking happy, of course it didn’t move but Gerri was ok with that and it was being delivered tomorrow so we were going to be sleeping in our new bed tomorrow night. Ok now notice that I have been talking in past tense, well here is the thing and this always happens to me whether it is a bed or a job once I make a decision something better always comes along right after I either pay for it or I accept the job. Not even 10 minutes after I got home a guy that I called last night about an adjustable bed called me and well I told him I had already purchased a bed and he said how much and I told him and he said what if I can get you what you want for $2400.00, I said I had already bought a bed and he said that it was the same bed that I bought but it was a split adjustable and it had the same type of mattress that I had just bought but with a non slip cover so it would move with the bed, well I was already stressed to the hilt from trying to find a bed all day plus all the internet time I had put in doing the research into what type of bed was best for people with COPD so I was like nope thanks but I already got one, he sad look what if I can get you what you wanted in the first place for even cheaper than what I am already giving it to you for. I told him that he was going to drop it curbside and I would have to figure out how to get it inside I was all by myself and only had my mother in law who is 67, my wife who has COPD and my 12 year old son how was I going to get it inside? He said just give me a minute and I will be right back, ok I had nothing else to do so I waited for about 5 minutes and he came back on and said that he could get me the bed, have it delivered and installed for $2100.00 and I looked at Gerri and told her exactly what he was saying and she was like what do you think and I told her it was a hell of a deal, I then told the guy ok we will do it but if it gets to the house and there is even a smudge on the box they will not take it off the truck, that it will go back to him and he will refund all of my money and then I was coming to find him because he will owe me a 30 pack of beer for being out in the heat all day, he laughed and said he will make sure to include his address on the confirmation email so I could come get my 30 pack of beer and he would even put it on the receipt that if it was in any way messed up he would owe me a 30 pack. So we went ahead and ordered the bed now I have to go tomorrow and get the money back for the other bed and then go and put money on the bank for the other bed, and it will be 105 degrees tomorrow, but the one good thing is I know have more time to take the bed apart that is in there now. So I think I did a good job all in all, but I wish that guy had called me this morning, it would have saved me all that running around me and Dylan did today. Wait i got one more thing to add and then I will be done, if you can get your hands on the I love my pillow pillows do so they are the greatest thing since sliced bread. Now they ran me around $80.00 per pillow but they are so worth the money i got one for the wife and one for me and then I tried to give mine to nanny and she went out and bought her own, so if nanny buys it you know it has to be good.

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

My apology to all of you and more information…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on July 23, 2012 by dankline2000

This will be the last time I bring this up but I had to explain myself more to me and you.

See I know I am rehashing what happened on Saturday night but I just can’t help going back to the part where I, by myself, no gun only a knife on my hip, walk up to a table of obvious bad asses and MMA fighters and decide on my own to challenge them in a way sort of I guess, I don’t really know that I was challenging them or not I didn’t really say a whole lot to them, except for the fact that they were MMA fighters and I did find out a little more about what was said from Russel, after I told them they were MMA fighters they did tell me that they were not looking to have to prove themselves, and the guy I was actually talking too looked at me and said that I wasn’t scared that they were MMA fighters and all I did was shake my head no. He then looked at the other three guys and then looked at Russel and asked if I was prior military and I shook my head yes, and that was when he told me that he and his friends were just there to have a few beers and to have a good time and didn’t want to have to fight, and I stood up and great heartedly told them hell that was fine with me and that I would buy their next round of beers and then made fun of them for drinking Budweiser Beer, they took it good heartedly and I went and ordered their beers and when they got to the table I went over and started with the guy who I was talking to and shook his hand and said that I wasn’t going to even try to start shit with them and I apologized for interrupting their evening, and we were all good with that, it was done and over with and there were no hard feelings what so ever, until it came to us leaving, being good natured at that point I made my way to their table and told them goodnight and apparently they invited me to their gym in Fairdale if I wanted to spare with them and get rid of some anger, I think I said thank you and then Stephen walked up and really neither I or Russel even know what he said really, the next thing this guy was coming around the table pissed as all hell and running his mouth which once again I knew he wasn’t going to fight, it is like I said fight and don’t talk, or talk and don’t fight, he was talking and not fighting, and I was between Stephen and Russel and I did have my hands out to the sides of me pushing them to the door but never taking my eyes off the guy yelling, Russel said I didn’t say a word to them and that probably made them nervous, because he was talking shit and I wasn’t, to be honest people don’t know how to really take me when it comes to that point.

Now here is what I am really writing about, who the fuck was I trying to impress? What the hell was I thinking and why do I keep telling the same story over and over again, don’t I realize that I could have been hurt, I know that had to run through my mind at least once, I mean it had too, it was obvious to everybody else that it was going to be four to one, and I could have gotten seriously hurt here, but I found that I didn’t care and I wanted them to fight with me and if they weren’t then that was apparently ok to. So who was I showing off for, was I showing off and why? I cannot for the life of me understand what the hell I was doing, should I blame it on the whiskey, the beer the combination of pills and beer, I mean what the hell?

It actually comes down to this I was looking for a fight before I even left the house, hell I had already had one that morning with my own aspect anger, right here on this very blog. So the combination of all of the above contributed to me wanting to self harm or hurt someone else, plain and simple and to be quite honest with you that scare the hell out of me. I am not a bad ass fighter, I am not the hurting kind, yes I have skills and tools to use if I get put in a position where I might get harmed but never to use them to start something and to get myself or someone else hurt, I am or thought I was done with those days. I am not going to drink again as long as I act that way and that means I can’t drink at all, because I don’t know if and when I will act that way again. I am needed at home to help as best I can with my wife and son and not to be out at some damn bar trying to get myself hurt. This is where I need to tell myself I am sorry for the way I acted, I have told everyone else including my wife. And I am sorry to all of you also, I told you that my belief system told me to do no harm and yet what did I do I went looking for the very same, and all I got for it was a dumb ass hangover and a lot of depression and some hurt feelings for myself. I am sorry to all of you. I didn’t practice what I was preaching.

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline