The Prozac, just enough to keep from quietly slipping away
The Adderall that shoots me up like air to ground lighting
The Xanax that takes away the anger and the fear and the feelings that make me twitch
The Seroquel that still leaves me only a little angry, but not quite calm
These little pills I take every day to help me seem to be normal
Do you know that I am doing uppers
Do you know I am doing downers too
I have never been quite right in my mind
I have never seen eye to eye with myself
The fact that I cannot really seem to lose the feeling of agitation
Ever feeling on edge like a drop of blood from the razor that cuts the skin
The fact that the little bit of agitation can explode at a moment’s notice and become full anger
I sleep but only on the edge of sleep, not quite awake but not quite asleep
I am going slowly insane with the sameness of it all, nothing changes, not even me
I watch, I wait, and I listen with bated breath for some sign of change knowing that it will never come
I know that the rest of my life will be spent in that waiting, losing bits and pieces of myself every single day
Sitting here laughing with my son and yet I still feel the weight of it all, putting on masks to cover the scars
I often wonder what it would be like if I just quit taking all the medications, what would I be like
Would I still be insane, would things get better or worse, what type of man would I be
Well I can’t for the life of my family ever stop taking the medications, unless I become that crazy old man in the woods that sits and drools and talks to himself and the others around him, with no one there to talk to