No excuse, only acceptance…..

it is just ok

Well it seems that I have been very out of sorts the last several days and I want to apologize to all of you for not getting in there and reading your posts, I have been a bit occupied, and I have missed reading all of your posts, so please accept my sincerest apologies.

Well here is a new wrinkle in the fabric of my life as we know it. It seems that prolonged use of Xanax may have contributed to the problems I am having now, such as dissociation, blackouts, loss of time and short term memory loss. Now I do believe that I have DID, well because I talk to the others in my mind and they do come forth at times to help me with the things I struggle, but I have to wonder if that perhaps the prolonged use of Xanax didn’t make it worse for me by adding to it those things I have listed above. I have restarted taking my Zyprexa and I have to tell you that after a few days on it I am much calmer than when I was on Seraquil, I still get agitated and angry but it just is not the same I am now approaching things in a calmer manner instead of blowing up and scaring the hell out of everyone, I don’t think that part will ever leave and I don’t really want it to. I feel the need to tell you about one experience that we had during our little outing.

It was the last night before we had to leave and we had a couple a couple of friends over and we were drinking beer and having a good time well they had to go and by that time I was a little drunk, and I hadn’t eaten anything all day even though I cooked for all the rest of them. Well after they left a part of me came out that I didn’t recognize and I or it started to talk with Dylan and Gerri and I am not sure of what he was talking about in the beginning but it was bad, and it scared my son, scared him so bad that it made him start to hyperventilate and it took several minutes to get him back to breathing normally. I was so scared that I couldn’t handle it and Khayleth came out and talked to Dylan and calmed him down, so between them my wife and Khayleth they helped him. Funny thing is that he doesn’t remember it at all, for which I am glad, but then this other took over again and was talking all kinds of shit about some of the things I learned as a child from my father, and that I needed to teach them to Dylan, and I have to tell you this he was quoting exact words from the current book I have been reading by Brent Weeks called Way of the Shadow, and I am remembering this very clear and I tried to take control but I was not able to because of the beer, Khayleth tried also and I could hear Serena telling me to just go to sleep it would be better in the morning, but who was this aspect I have never felt him before and haven’t felt him sense and he was telling my wife how and what I wanted to train Dylan. Pretty fucked up right, that’s what I said. Well I have been feeling very guilty about the way I had acted that entire week and I feel like I had ruined the whole trip for all of us, Gerri said I didn’t that it was just the fact that I hadn’t had any Xanax and that the Seraquil was not the right medicine for me, and that every time she approached me with that since I had been taking it I would get angry and tell her no it wasn’t and I didn’t listen to her, I cannot tell you how many times I have said I am sorry to her and she just says it is in the past and not to worry over it, now we know what was wrong and we can fix it. I mean what a woman, I don’t deserve her that is for sure and I now tell her everyday that I love her.

So I was and am in withdrawal from Xanax and I am tapering down and have restarted taking my Zyprexa, much better medicine if I say so I and I still have the shakes and the other symptoms but they are bearable. I used to be a speed freak, and this is harder to get off of than that, so please bear with me over the next several weeks and I promise I will get to all of you guys new posts ASAP.

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline


One Response to “No excuse, only acceptance…..”

  1. This new one sounds pretty scary, Dan, but I’m glad Khayleth was there to help out. Perhaps well learn more about him in time. Just don’t drink on an empty stomach anymore!

    And you do deserve your wife, you know.

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