I don’t have a catchy title for this post…..


Despondency a state of being despondent; depression of spirits from loss of courage or hope; dejection.

Could this be the feelings I am having right now? It sure reads like it is, you see I am not in a good place right now, I am very tired, bone weary if you will. It seems so simple to fix and yet every time I try to fix one thing another gets fucked up usually by me. I don’t know how to do the things I am doing, I am very sure that this part will be misunderstood and to explain may be a bit difficult because everyone tells me I am actually doing what I am supposed to be doing. I know I am just as confused. It seems I am going through the motions of this new found responsibility by the seat of my pants, me feeling like I am doing nothing right and others telling me it will be ok, and yet

ok google is slipping here in the father son department

others say I am doing it just fine. Ok so which is it? Am I royally fucking up my family or am I really doing right by them the best that I know how? I haven’t been so worried over something since I was a child living with my mother desperately listening for her snore in the middle of the night. Now it seems the same is happening to Dylan with Gerri. It will not matter to him how many times we tell him his mother will be all right he is still going to worry and listen even in his sleep for the faintest noise that she is alive and well, I know I did it for years and I still do it now. I am the very same way if I don’t hear a grunt of pain or the noise she makes as she rolls over on the couch I am at the door with my hand on the knob listening, and the fucked up part is I will not draw another breath until I hear that noise, and I hate to think that Dylan is doing something similar but I know he is, it is too much to handle as an adult, it is unbearable to handle it as a child.

And yet he is really no longer a child, he talks like a man about things that are on his mind, from cars to food to religion to whatever, not girls yet but that is coming, I am thinking the little girl next door is crushing on him like no bodies business, if she pounded on the backdoor once she pounded on it ten times today. I can see it in his eyes that wariness that one gets from a small amount of fear, and yet that small amount of fear tends to give courage, he is and has changed over the last summer, and some of it not in a good way, and there is really nothing any of us can do, I mean look at just what he has had to deal with, with me. I am angry, I am frustrated I am up, down and turned inside out. He has had to deal with me shouting, cussing, and stomping around the house angry for no other reason than that I am. It really hit me that he had changed when the bus issue came up, you see he has been with us one or the other the entire summer and I really think he had separation anxiety, because when he rode the bus home he was fine, some of the kids in his class rode the same bus and live in the area, so now it is no big deal. The deal is how is he really handling the separation anxiety, he like me tends to bottle things up and then pop goes the cork and our whole worlds fall apart. About this time you may have noticed that I have put the focus on myself and not my wife, well people she has enough to deal with living with an asshole like me, nuff said. When I say he is no longer like a child I mean that he has had to deal with more trauma and mental issues than either of his brothers or sister and I am quite sure if they had the summer Dylan had they would need a rubber room. I am really proud of him not only because he did actually try to get on the bus but that he could feel vulnerable enough to me to tell me what the problem was, I know I gave him shit on the way to school, but it put him on the right track to get the courage to get on the bus that afternoon. I am proud of him, and I hope that, that comes through to all of you like a beacon in the night. You may not understand it but this has been a good day for him.

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

PS. Hey look I changed subjects right in the middle of feeling sorry for myself. Ha what a lark.

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3 Responses to “I don’t have a catchy title for this post…..”

  1. You’ve got every right to be proud in the world … you have a wonderful child and you are doing it … the father thing. No doubt its wracked up with the dilemmas such as “am I fucking him up,” but if you keep focusing on making the quality of his life better day-to-day … you will both get through it. When we were younger my then son 16 years of age, got mad at me and we were shouting back and forth as he stood by the door swearing he was running away. We told him with all the bravado we could muster, FINE, but we’re going to keep calling the police and bringing you back. You belong here! It was the toughest “battle” we’d ever gone through with ANY of our children – who by the way are now grown-up with their own children. Thom? He’s a Marine Sergeant working in intelligence now at the Pentagon. Damm proud of him always have been – He made it through our parenting and still prospered! Your son too? I’m pretty sure that’s going to be a fact as well! Mostly, just because you care, regardless of what else happened in your life. Take it easy on yourself Dad!

    Always our best,
    Anns

    http://newsdidmpd.blogspot.com
    http://annsmultipleworldofpersonality.blogspot.com

  2. SPECIAL KAYE Says:

    im glad he is doing better….tell him i love him and i miss him.

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