Again I have no title for this…..

The search, it is all we have to find a better state of mind to function as a whole, but ever searching for the source or the cure if you will, each in our own way tries to find it, whether it is chemical, physical or spiritual, we still keep searching. What happens if we just stop searching and let the answer come to us instead of always putting forth so much effort in to the search what if what we are looking for is inside each and every one of us? Maybe, just perhaps we are our own cure, it hurt I know form fact that our disease hurts, but is there really a miracle cure? Will the next pill, the next therapy session make any difference? We who are not allowed to sit quietly at rest, who are constantly striving to be what society calls normal, well we aren’t and what is the definition of normal anyway? We hurt, we have many different parts to our minds, we are depressed, and we cut ourselves to show that we have some control over ourselves. We hide ourselves away from the civilized world when we don’t feel normal, we lay in bed until we feel normal, we don’t even leave the house. Society made us what we are and yet now we don’t correspond to what society says is normal, it is not our fault it is theirs. We live, we feel, we bleed and yet we are wrong for the way we are, I know that what I am is not right but I am at a point where I have stopped trying to conform to what society says is right, they say it isn’t right to have more than one personality in my head, well don’t people talk to themselves all the time? They say it isn’t right that I sleep for days at a time, I am depressed they say, ok so what is wrong with being depressed? I don’t feel the need to go out and live in your place in this world I want to live in mine, so I don’t get out of bed or leave the house for a few days, it is my right it helps me and yes there might be a time that it may go overboard but by whose standard? Yours or mine? Cutting is it really necessary to show myself that I am in control of me? No it is actually a way to show you that I am in control of me, if I can cut myself that means I can control what happens to me. They have put me on so many different medications I have to wonder if what is wrong with me is a side effect of the medications that I am taking, listen to this, most anti depressants cause depression, anti anxiety medications after prolonged use cause anxiety. So how do you fix it do you stop all the medications and get back to the point you were before you started this whole fucking mess, well guess what you can’t, we have become dependent on the medications to help us feel like we are almost normal. I have found a sound in my life that I hate more than my life, it is the sound of the alarm that tells me it is time to take another pill, what I am now a trained human, if the bell rings I take a pill. If we stopped doing and taking all the things that they tell us are helping us will we be better or worse? I have tom think of these things, I am a very angry person due to circumstances in my life that made me scared and I don’t do fear very well it transfers to anger and questions which can never be answered, there is no one to answer the questions anymore, so why not just drop it and move on, because I can’t I still want to know why and what the hell for. You see I am me, Dan Kline I cannot help the problems I have because things happened, and that is the end of the story no answers to the questions I have and to be honest I am scared to ask the questions, and I don’t think that I could have handled the answers, I really don’t want to ever go back to that place in my mind that may hold any information about those questions, it is a moot point now, those people are dead and I can’t place blame on them anymore they are or have been judged on their actions and appropriate measures have been taken, I hope. I have to believe they have been made to atone for their sins and indiscretions.

I am who I am and I don’t really give a fuck what society as a whole thinks of me, I no longer want to fit into their round hole and be a circle because I am not I am a square trying to fit into a rectangular hole and by damn I will fit if I only try hard enough that is who I am, I have voices in my head, I get depressed and sometimes sleep for days, sometimes I don’t leave the house for days, now I don’t cut myself but if I did so what, it is my body and my mind and in will do it if it makes me feel in control, yes I can go too far but that is my choice not yours not anyone else’s business but mine, do I want to ne dead, I would be a liar if I said no. Sometimes I do feel like I should be dead and that the people around me would be better off, but I don’t say this because I want to take my life I am just being honest, would have it any other way? What else is there to say I have spun it out for you to read a confession of sorts, more of a rant some will say but here it is in black and white? I just have to wonder if I am not alone in the way I feel, it makes me want to find a little place all to myself and never leave just become the crazy old man that lives in the woods by himself. Well maybe not I would miss not having internet, or flushing toilets and running water, comforts of life if you will. Oh and Diet Pepsi I would miss that most of all. I just want to move on with my life and quit looking backwards for in looking back there are no answers I want to look forward and see what happens next…..

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline


Tell me what you think.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: