Now for the post that I have been wanting to write for a long while. I am angry, angry because I seem to have been pushed to the background; I am feeling some resentment towards my living situation at the moment. I am resentful mostly for selfish reasons. I am not the center of the world anymore, I am not the one who needs to be taken care of I am now the care giver, not a role I am used to. It feels like my problems have taken a backseat to Gerri’s, now I will admit that this is not fair to Gerri she can’t help that she is sick and it is not something that she wants to be, but she is and everything that is done around her surrounds her and her needs, comfort and well being. Then there I am in the background fighting just to keep from exploding and yelling look at me I am right here I need too. But to no avail I seem not to matter, and yet that is not the truth you and I both know that, but it is the way I feel, my son sleeps next to her, not me, I guess he feels safer with her than me. Her mother is always doing for her, not that I expect her to do anything for me but I am a speck on the wall where she is concerned. I cut myself off from the rest of the family so that I can no longer feel the hurt that this has caused me emotionally. I don’t live I just exist to help Gerri get off the couch, to help Gerri when she needs whatever it is that she needs. It feels that I am invisible, no one sees me or hears me, I am here right here living in this hell, looking at the same four walls day after day, doing the same things day after day. When I said I felt like I was a rat trapped in a cage I wasn’t kidding, I don’t do anything other than wait for Gerri to call my name, and existence that surmises my whole life and entire being. I need to be seen, felt, heard and understood that I don’t know how much longer I can live like this, it has been a year like this and I feel paper thin like a house of cards that will be blown over with the slightest breeze (wait is that not in a song) I am fragile and feel like I am going to break if I don’t get noticed.

The things I wrote above are how I feel. The reality is that she needs me to be here for her; for once I am the strong one, in charge of all things, not a role that I am used to but I am doing it and I try harder everyday than the last to be better at it than the day before. I know my wife loves me and I know she sees me but it is hard when you are in pain or you are not able to breathe correctly or you can’t get up without help. I know she knows how hard this is for me, and I feel a little selfish for even being this way but my mind is a complete mess and I cannot work on myself until she gets better, and she will tell you she is getting better but actions are stronger than words, she is still in a bad way and here I am pouting because I am not the center of the world.

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline


2 Responses to “Selfishness…..”

  1. You can’t ever help the way you feel, and being honest about it is incredibly important. Even if it’s only on here, expressing your feelings about your situation can help you recognize the turmoil inside.

    I would have you believe that you are a better man than you think. My wife suffers from gluten-intolerance, IBS, chronic allergies, constant back and neck pain from a car accident…naturally, there are things that are hard for her to do. And though I know I should do them because I love her and want her life to be easy, I still get impatient about it. I get angry.

    My wife’s problems are nothing next to Gerri’s, and you are managing with her far better than I ever could. Try not to feel too guilty about it. Everyone – everyone – has needs. They don’t always get met, and that’s life. It doesn’t make it any less frustrating, though.

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