Dear Life, where are you…..

You see I am invisible, clear, see through even. A non entity, in the grand scheme of things I don’t count, if I weren’t here things would still go on regardless. My son thinks I am always mad at him, I do get angry at him but I love him more than my own life. My wife keeps trying to help me, I don’t need help I just need to matter, and I realize that in their minds I do matter, but you see this is a matter of my mind, I don’t feel like I matter in my mind. I can just walk away and things will go on just as if I were still here. You can tell me I matter, that I am needed but in all reality I am not needed. I am just a dust bunny under the bed, an item to be put away and used only when nothing else will do (that last really don’t make much sense). They don’t really need me, I am superfluous, not needed, just stand me in the corner and don’t forget to dust me off once in a while. They tell me I lock myself away from the rest of the family, but you see it is really they who lock themselves away from me, Dylan is always doing his thing and most of the time Gerri all you do is sleep, I watch, I wait, I listen. We have nothing to talk about; we don’t do anything but go through the motions of living each day just the same as the last, eternity is spent this way. We do the same thing day in and day out, it will never change. So yes I do lock myself away, away from the same sights, same conversations, same movements, and same questions. I can only read so many books to try to escape the boredom I feel, I can only watch movies, read comics, play games, stare at the ceiling for the same reasons. You say for me to call my brother and maybe go and spend some time with him, why so I can sit in his house and do the same thing there in Florida, he works a lot and an impromptu visit from me won’t change his or my schedule, all I would be doing the same things there as I am doing here. I want change but I don’t know how to go about it, I want to do things that are good for me, that make me happy, if this is the way things are going to be for the rest of my life I don’t think I will be mentally able to handle it, I am stuck in a vacuum, a vortex of uncertainty, a swelling of boredom that radiates outward from me to encompass the whole world I inhabit. I don’t write anymore, I don’t visit my friends blogs it isn’t fair to them that I don’t read there blogs but I just can’t seem to feel anything from the absence in my mind, I need stimulation, education, movement I need change.

With much sorrow and desperation,

Dan Kline


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