Archive for September, 2012

Dear Life, where are you…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Fatherhood & Family, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on September 15, 2012 by dankline2000

You see I am invisible, clear, see through even. A non entity, in the grand scheme of things I don’t count, if I weren’t here things would still go on regardless. My son thinks I am always mad at him, I do get angry at him but I love him more than my own life. My wife keeps trying to help me, I don’t need help I just need to matter, and I realize that in their minds I do matter, but you see this is a matter of my mind, I don’t feel like I matter in my mind. I can just walk away and things will go on just as if I were still here. You can tell me I matter, that I am needed but in all reality I am not needed. I am just a dust bunny under the bed, an item to be put away and used only when nothing else will do (that last really don’t make much sense). They don’t really need me, I am superfluous, not needed, just stand me in the corner and don’t forget to dust me off once in a while. They tell me I lock myself away from the rest of the family, but you see it is really they who lock themselves away from me, Dylan is always doing his thing and most of the time Gerri all you do is sleep, I watch, I wait, I listen. We have nothing to talk about; we don’t do anything but go through the motions of living each day just the same as the last, eternity is spent this way. We do the same thing day in and day out, it will never change. So yes I do lock myself away, away from the same sights, same conversations, same movements, and same questions. I can only read so many books to try to escape the boredom I feel, I can only watch movies, read comics, play games, stare at the ceiling for the same reasons. You say for me to call my brother and maybe go and spend some time with him, why so I can sit in his house and do the same thing there in Florida, he works a lot and an impromptu visit from me won’t change his or my schedule, all I would be doing the same things there as I am doing here. I want change but I don’t know how to go about it, I want to do things that are good for me, that make me happy, if this is the way things are going to be for the rest of my life I don’t think I will be mentally able to handle it, I am stuck in a vacuum, a vortex of uncertainty, a swelling of boredom that radiates outward from me to encompass the whole world I inhabit. I don’t write anymore, I don’t visit my friends blogs it isn’t fair to them that I don’t read there blogs but I just can’t seem to feel anything from the absence in my mind, I need stimulation, education, movement I need change.

With much sorrow and desperation,

Dan Kline

For you honey…..

Posted in Uncategorized on September 15, 2012 by dankline2000

Cookout ya…..

Posted in Uncategorized on September 15, 2012 by dankline2000

You know what I want to do today?? I want to go and get some beer, grab a couple of roasts or pork loins and cook them real slow in the grill and drink beer and bullshit with my friends. But that isn’t going to happen, I got money for beer but no car to go nowhere and Nanny won’t let me drink beer at her house let alone have a bunch of people here drinking with me, well maybe not a lot of people just a few nut that’s what I want to do today, anybody game?

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

Enter the Sarge…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Fatherhood & Family, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on September 14, 2012 by dankline2000

Friday, September 14, 2012

I hate to get mad over the same thing more than one time, I try to talk, to explain but I am sure it is not getting through to his brain. And then I get mad, and I get stern and on the verge of violence. It should have sunk in by now what is expected, but it never seems so. I talk so that he doesn’t get in trouble for the same things he keeps doing time and time again. I am not a nice person when I am angry but I will be damned if I continue to talk and get no results. Now is the time for action to take the next logical step in the punishment equation, his things I am going to start taking his things from him starting tonight with his laptop, and if he continues down this path I will take another thing until all he has left in his room is a bed, no blankets, no sheets and no pillows just a bed. I hope and pray to the God and the Goddess that it only goes so far but I do have to remind you he is from my loins. And if after all of his favorite things are gone and he still is doing the same thing I will use military corporal punishment, pushups, chair stands and those really suck you have to put your back straight against the wall and slide down till you are in the sitting position and stay that way till you are told to recover, try it, it is a killer to your legs bet most of you won’t last five minutes and you will damn sure feel it tomorrow, if that don’t work we will move onto mountain climbers, where you get on your hands and have your feet stretched out behind you and you have to move alternating legs and arms till you are allowed to recover, the worst is to have to stand at attention till you are told to recover, to stand rock still and not move until either you are told to recover or you pass out, this is a last resort and I happen to know the secret to it, flex your knees, if you don’t bend them in the slightest all the blood in your brain will evacuate and go to your lower extremities and you will lose consciousness. It is time to show him who the parent is and who the child is, he is too old for a spanking I stopped that with all the others at his age so I will not disrespect him by making him drop his drawers and line up for an ass whooping, plus it happened to me way too many times as a child, don’t get me wrong if he deserves it he will get it but I want to use other measures first.

Sergeant William Kline US Army Medically Discharged

Great Scott man what are you doing…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on September 14, 2012 by dankline2000

I don’t want to write, I don’t want to read, I don’t want to play games. This is a new feeling for me or an old one that has reared its ugly head yet once again, I have tried writing several posts over the last day or so only to get to a point and delete them. I just don’t know what to say. I have grown lazy through no fault of my own; the only thing I can do is sit here and do nothing but wait till Gerri needs me. I am getting fat again, I still only eat one meal a day but I have started boredom eating, snacking here and there on various shit. And with nothing to do it turns into fat. I have several things that I want to do but cannot at this point ad I really have no ambition to do these things anyway. I sound like I am getting depressed again, and I could be I see all the signs, also throw in some co-dependency on my part towards Gerri and stir and bake till golden brown. What the hell is wrong with me?

Don’t know what to do with myself,

Dan Kline

La tee fucking daa…..

Posted in Uncategorized on September 12, 2012 by dankline2000

Well let’s see shall we, let’s really see how Dan is doing today.

I have a broken molar in the left side of my mouth that is tearing the shit out of my tongue. I am bored to the point of suicide. I am tired of being in this fucking house. My damned car is broken down and I am sure I know what it is but lack the funds to fix it. I have writers block and am having trouble finishing the third part in a series of short stories I am writing. The second of the said short stories needs to be rewritten and finished in a better way, the first one is not so bad I can live with it but it needs polish. I am making a divot in my new sleep number bed where I sit on my ass all day in one spot and don’t move. So I guess all in all I can say I am alive mentally unhealthy and gaining weight from lack of movement, hate that part. Oh and great news my wife has slept in the bed for a total of 3 nights, yep a whole three nights and she don’t like it, so what I should have done was went out and bought that damned Cadillac I wanted instead of this fucking useless bed, I could care less what I sleep on as long as I have a place to sleep. Oh and more news my son lost a 30 dollar watch I got for him after taking it off for only a half an hour. And he barely uses the laptop and the Ipad2 that I got for him, but what the hell it is only money right. Oh and I had to give my van back because I was sick of fighting about it and he put a lien on it and it needed tires and a new battery because it was a rolling storage shed for our things, so now I have no personal car of my own.

Fuck it all, twice,

Dan Kline

Last Great Adventure…..

Posted in Uncategorized on September 12, 2012 by dankline2000

I wanted to share a story about my father and me, but it is way to long to make into a post so I will put it in my short story section, read if you want to.

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

Saved by the NON-RANT

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on September 12, 2012 by dankline2000

See I was going to go off on this real big tangent about discrimination and intolerance, we have all felt it at one point or another, so I don’t think I will do a whole post on these two subjects but I will leave you with several of my favorite quotes:

 

The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice” Mark Twain 1835-1910

From the viewpoint of absolute truth, what we feel and experience in our ordinary daily life is all delusion. Of all the various delusions, the sense of discrimination between oneself and others is the worst form, as it creates nothing but unpleasant” Dali Lama

Intolerance is itself a form of violence and an obstacle to the growth of a true democratic spirit.
Mahatma Gandhi

Children are remarkable for their intelligence and ardor, for their curiosity, their intolerance of shams, the clarity and ruthlessness of their vision. Aldous Huxley 

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

Dental Drama…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on September 12, 2012 by dankline2000

One of my greatest fears started last night, my teeth, I have a very severe problem with my teeth, they are dying from the root out, it is a problem with some of the medications that I have taken and are taking at this point in time and despite my depression I do try to take decent care of my teeth. I have been having severe pain from both of the back teeth in my mouth one on the right side is black and the other hurts like hell below the gum line, well I was eating and I bit down on something and it shot pain through me body like a bolt of lightning from the sky, I cracked my left back tooth in half, so I gave up on eating. I was in the bathroom looking in the mirror when I pushed on the tooth it moved, so I grabbed the piece of tooth and wiggled it out and threw it away. I have had nightmares about all of my teeth falling out and it scares me to think that this is happening; now I have a broken jagged piece of tooth left in my mouth and it is tearing the shit out of the left side of my tongue. I have no dental insurance and Medicare doesn’t cover it so I will wait. I just want them to pull all the teeth in my head and just give ne dentures, which would make the fear, go away. I have lost all but two molars in my mouth and if I get the chance I will get those removed too, perhaps a bridge, the rest of my teeth are dyeing too just not as fast as the rest had, I still have all my front teeth, some are in worse shape than others but they are still there. This is me with a broke ass smile not knowing what to do now, I wonder if I have the balls to pull them myself?

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

Selfishness…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Fatherhood & Family, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on September 11, 2012 by dankline2000

Now for the post that I have been wanting to write for a long while. I am angry, angry because I seem to have been pushed to the background; I am feeling some resentment towards my living situation at the moment. I am resentful mostly for selfish reasons. I am not the center of the world anymore, I am not the one who needs to be taken care of I am now the care giver, not a role I am used to. It feels like my problems have taken a backseat to Gerri’s, now I will admit that this is not fair to Gerri she can’t help that she is sick and it is not something that she wants to be, but she is and everything that is done around her surrounds her and her needs, comfort and well being. Then there I am in the background fighting just to keep from exploding and yelling look at me I am right here I need too. But to no avail I seem not to matter, and yet that is not the truth you and I both know that, but it is the way I feel, my son sleeps next to her, not me, I guess he feels safer with her than me. Her mother is always doing for her, not that I expect her to do anything for me but I am a speck on the wall where she is concerned. I cut myself off from the rest of the family so that I can no longer feel the hurt that this has caused me emotionally. I don’t live I just exist to help Gerri get off the couch, to help Gerri when she needs whatever it is that she needs. It feels that I am invisible, no one sees me or hears me, I am here right here living in this hell, looking at the same four walls day after day, doing the same things day after day. When I said I felt like I was a rat trapped in a cage I wasn’t kidding, I don’t do anything other than wait for Gerri to call my name, and existence that surmises my whole life and entire being. I need to be seen, felt, heard and understood that I don’t know how much longer I can live like this, it has been a year like this and I feel paper thin like a house of cards that will be blown over with the slightest breeze (wait is that not in a song) I am fragile and feel like I am going to break if I don’t get noticed.

The things I wrote above are how I feel. The reality is that she needs me to be here for her; for once I am the strong one, in charge of all things, not a role that I am used to but I am doing it and I try harder everyday than the last to be better at it than the day before. I know my wife loves me and I know she sees me but it is hard when you are in pain or you are not able to breathe correctly or you can’t get up without help. I know she knows how hard this is for me, and I feel a little selfish for even being this way but my mind is a complete mess and I cannot work on myself until she gets better, and she will tell you she is getting better but actions are stronger than words, she is still in a bad way and here I am pouting because I am not the center of the world.

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline