Archive for September, 2012

Enter the children…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Fatherhood & Family, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on September 20, 2012 by dankline2000

Let’s talk about children, I have five of them did you know that? I have many reasons to talk about my children some are good and some are bad so I will start with the youngest and go right up to the oldest.

Thomas McKenzie Dylan Kline, we have heard about little Mr. Kline on several occasions. We know that he has ADHD and ADD and well life has handed him a pretty shitty hand right now, he is in the middle of having a mentally challenged father and a very sick mother. That in itself would knock any normal child off his rocker, but Dylan is a trooper and helps not only me but his mother as well. I can also see some mental problems developing in him, such as depression, and probably some co-dependency for his mother. As his father I am the stern one, the ass whooper, the grab him and wrap him in a bear hug and tell him I love him father. Him I understand.

Tiffany Danielle Jones, is my step daughter who at fourteen decided to go and live with her father for no other reason  than she wanted to go, and as of yet she has not explained the sudden departure from our family and I don’t think she will due to it being selfish reasoning on her part. Now since she has left we have seen her, probably a total of three weeks, she is now sixteen. I never hear from her, where as when she lived with us she and I constantly talked about everything. See my confusion? Now Gerri says that she texts and talks to Tiffany over the phone and on face book, if she really cared about her mother she would come and see her more often, I mean the woman is sick for fucks sake, she don’t care and don’t tell me that she has a lot to do if she cared she would make time. The one good thing that Tiffany has is that she is extremely smart, beautiful, and talented and she make my heart melt every time I see her. And all the bad just goes away. What can I say she had me wrapped around her little finger when she was but just two years old?

William Spenser David Kline, well there is nothing good or bad that I can say of my middle child I have not seen him since he was four and currently do not know where he lives.

Michael Lynn Jones Jr., well here we go this boy is as smart as they come, when he was growing up he wanted to be an Architect, he would make drawings of buildings and houses and such. He swore he would never smoke, or do drugs. Look at him now, had a chance at college blew it off and decided to go to work for Zappos, ok he had a job but lost it because he went home with a hangover, he smokes pot, which was the very evil when he was a kid even up into his teens. What happened Michael, how did you turn out like Ramon (my half brother that is a pot head, can’t hold a job and mooches off everybody). When Michael does come around he does talk to his mother when she is awake, but it is usually when he needs something.

Daniel Ryan Shipley Kline, the oldest and the one we would have thought would have turned out like Ramon, but to my great surprise he is doing better than I ever expected, he is an apprentice millwright, and a bouncer, he has got the build and temperament for that 6’-5” tall and weighs in at around 250lbs. but see he is doing it he has a good job and a future. He live in Louisiana and well he calls more just to say hi than the others, he does ask about Gerri and even talks to her when he is not on break at his job or when he is bouncing.

So what happened to my children where did I go wrong, did I not give them everything that I could, did I not try my best to teach them right from wrong, Michael and Daniel are grown men they are living the lives that they want to give, but couldn’t they have done better, probably but they will have to find that out on their own, that whole walk a mile in my shoes thing. Tiffany is the worst one for me, she never calls doesn’t chat with me on face book or send me an email, and as far as that goes the only time I hear from Michael is when he wants money from me or his grandmother or needs something. These are some of the bad things that have been happening from my children and there are good things also but I am not in the mood to tell you about that because the things I have written about are the things on my mind, and you know what started the whole thing, Christmas my wife wanted to know if I would get the rest of my money before Christmas, because they will come, with hand out and expect to get either presents or money. All I keep thinking is when did it all fall apart. I love my children with all my heart and give them all that I can, if I didn’t do something right then all I can do is say I am sorry, but everyone of you all need to stop and take a look around cause we won’t always be around to bail you out, to give advice, to miss each and every one of you, you are out in the world and you are making your own paths in life but remember to do your checks and balances on yourself and ask yourself is this the best that I can be doing for myself. I do love all of you and miss being together as a family.

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

What the fuck do you really want from me…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Fatherhood & Family, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on September 18, 2012 by dankline2000

I realize that I am just a god damn fixture in this house and that the only reason my presence is even tolerated is due to the fact that my wife and child are here, but at least give me some respect, I give all the respect that I have and it is not even returned to me, what the fuck do you want me to do, bend down and kiss your fucking ass, throwing my mail at me from the door to the bedroom I am currently occupying is not very fucking nice when you can walk in and hand it to me. Sorry but this is the straw that broke the camel’s back, that was fucked up to say the least, I know that you know, you don’t even want me here and you would be happier if I weren’t here. Fine if that is really how you feel and that you would break up a family because of it then I will fucking leave, I don’t have any idea where I will go but I will leave this is how I have been made to feel the entire time I have been here, you make me feel as if I can do nothing right and what I do, do you go behind and redo it like I didn’t do it right in the first place. I cannot handle this anymore, I know you don’t like men and I know the reasons why, I am not those other men that screwed you over in the past, I try to keep up after myself, I try to make Dylan keep up after himself, but that don’t matter you do it for him anyway, even if I have told him he needs to do it. I will not live in a place where I am wanted, even if my wife and child are here, you make me feel as if you want me gone so that you can care for Gerri and Dylan all on your own, and I don’t matter one fucking bit. So I will give you what you want and I will fucking leave and you can handle going to the welfare office and the pharmacy and all the million and one things that I do on a daily basis. It is really what you want anyway, so you get your wish, my mental stability can only handle so much.

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

I DON’T WANT TO WRITE…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on September 16, 2012 by dankline2000

I don’t want to write, I don’t want to write, I DON’T WANT TO WRITE…..

What is left to write about anyway, things are not going to change, I am not going to change, words, letters on a page can’t change the way I feel. I want to understand the sameness of it all, I cannot consign myself to an existence…… that is what it is an existence not living.

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

Dear Life, where are you…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Fatherhood & Family, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on September 15, 2012 by dankline2000

You see I am invisible, clear, see through even. A non entity, in the grand scheme of things I don’t count, if I weren’t here things would still go on regardless. My son thinks I am always mad at him, I do get angry at him but I love him more than my own life. My wife keeps trying to help me, I don’t need help I just need to matter, and I realize that in their minds I do matter, but you see this is a matter of my mind, I don’t feel like I matter in my mind. I can just walk away and things will go on just as if I were still here. You can tell me I matter, that I am needed but in all reality I am not needed. I am just a dust bunny under the bed, an item to be put away and used only when nothing else will do (that last really don’t make much sense). They don’t really need me, I am superfluous, not needed, just stand me in the corner and don’t forget to dust me off once in a while. They tell me I lock myself away from the rest of the family, but you see it is really they who lock themselves away from me, Dylan is always doing his thing and most of the time Gerri all you do is sleep, I watch, I wait, I listen. We have nothing to talk about; we don’t do anything but go through the motions of living each day just the same as the last, eternity is spent this way. We do the same thing day in and day out, it will never change. So yes I do lock myself away, away from the same sights, same conversations, same movements, and same questions. I can only read so many books to try to escape the boredom I feel, I can only watch movies, read comics, play games, stare at the ceiling for the same reasons. You say for me to call my brother and maybe go and spend some time with him, why so I can sit in his house and do the same thing there in Florida, he works a lot and an impromptu visit from me won’t change his or my schedule, all I would be doing the same things there as I am doing here. I want change but I don’t know how to go about it, I want to do things that are good for me, that make me happy, if this is the way things are going to be for the rest of my life I don’t think I will be mentally able to handle it, I am stuck in a vacuum, a vortex of uncertainty, a swelling of boredom that radiates outward from me to encompass the whole world I inhabit. I don’t write anymore, I don’t visit my friends blogs it isn’t fair to them that I don’t read there blogs but I just can’t seem to feel anything from the absence in my mind, I need stimulation, education, movement I need change.

With much sorrow and desperation,

Dan Kline

For you honey…..

Posted in Uncategorized on September 15, 2012 by dankline2000

Cookout ya…..

Posted in Uncategorized on September 15, 2012 by dankline2000

You know what I want to do today?? I want to go and get some beer, grab a couple of roasts or pork loins and cook them real slow in the grill and drink beer and bullshit with my friends. But that isn’t going to happen, I got money for beer but no car to go nowhere and Nanny won’t let me drink beer at her house let alone have a bunch of people here drinking with me, well maybe not a lot of people just a few nut that’s what I want to do today, anybody game?

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

Enter the Sarge…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Fatherhood & Family, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on September 14, 2012 by dankline2000

Friday, September 14, 2012

I hate to get mad over the same thing more than one time, I try to talk, to explain but I am sure it is not getting through to his brain. And then I get mad, and I get stern and on the verge of violence. It should have sunk in by now what is expected, but it never seems so. I talk so that he doesn’t get in trouble for the same things he keeps doing time and time again. I am not a nice person when I am angry but I will be damned if I continue to talk and get no results. Now is the time for action to take the next logical step in the punishment equation, his things I am going to start taking his things from him starting tonight with his laptop, and if he continues down this path I will take another thing until all he has left in his room is a bed, no blankets, no sheets and no pillows just a bed. I hope and pray to the God and the Goddess that it only goes so far but I do have to remind you he is from my loins. And if after all of his favorite things are gone and he still is doing the same thing I will use military corporal punishment, pushups, chair stands and those really suck you have to put your back straight against the wall and slide down till you are in the sitting position and stay that way till you are told to recover, try it, it is a killer to your legs bet most of you won’t last five minutes and you will damn sure feel it tomorrow, if that don’t work we will move onto mountain climbers, where you get on your hands and have your feet stretched out behind you and you have to move alternating legs and arms till you are allowed to recover, the worst is to have to stand at attention till you are told to recover, to stand rock still and not move until either you are told to recover or you pass out, this is a last resort and I happen to know the secret to it, flex your knees, if you don’t bend them in the slightest all the blood in your brain will evacuate and go to your lower extremities and you will lose consciousness. It is time to show him who the parent is and who the child is, he is too old for a spanking I stopped that with all the others at his age so I will not disrespect him by making him drop his drawers and line up for an ass whooping, plus it happened to me way too many times as a child, don’t get me wrong if he deserves it he will get it but I want to use other measures first.

Sergeant William Kline US Army Medically Discharged