Is this a confessional…..

It seems the truth was held behind my eyes for all I could see was anger fear and resentment, I followed those thoughts inward with more than a little fear, pushing aside the hurt, pain and confusion to see that the real problem is me.

Where would I be if my life had taken a different turn, I will never know because thinking like that will just end in misery. I want to be the person that I think I am supposed tom be, but I cannot I learned that from an early age. I have to be what others want me to be, to be that will stop the pain the fear and the hurting of a small child’s body, even today I try and do become what others want me to be. It is something that is ingrained into me, a part of whom I am. I get lost from time to time and the feelings get to real for me and I have to run, I have to get away, but I am only running from me and in return not only do I get hurt but others also. Down the years I have been many things to many people, friend, lover, husband, confidant, what it is that they needed from me. It was all a show put on by to hide behind who I am, and the real issue is this I don’t know who I am, I could be one of four people at any given time, anger, the boy, Khayleth and Serena and sometimes I am just Dan. I have no idea at this point in time who of these people I am, mostly I am the boy who has lost his family once again so I cry I get angry and I throw temper tantrums to see if I can get my way. Then anger slaps him down and calls him names and takes over and that is when people get hurt, that is when I get hurt. I really don’t expect that too many will understand what it is that I am talking about but it is all of me. I run, I fight, I love, I live, I cry and I scream. It seems as though no one is listening to me. I am no longer talking about my recent problems but things that have been going on for years, I live a fear based life, fear that if everything is going smoothly that it will eventually get screwed up and I will get hurt, so in my twisted mind I go ahead and screw them up first so other get hurt rather than me, now don’t get me wrong I still get hurt but I beat them to the punch. Let me list some examples. I will first start with a job that I had for almost 14 years, I left the company several times during that time frame because it was to good I was doing alright I was making progress so I would quit, and the owner was nice enough to allow me to come back several times but in the end enough was enough for him and he couldn’t trust me not to run out on him when things got tough. I did the same thing with my first marriage, we were in love things were going great, so I left it was going to good, she let me come back and I left again all of this was based on the fact that I couldn’t handle a normal life a life that was good and no one was hurting me and no one was making do things I didn’t want to do, in the end much like my job enough was enough the pain on her part was too great. Now we come to the Navy I didn’t finish that either not the KYARNG I would go and do what I was supposed to do but it was to good I was doing great once again, so I fucked myself in the end by not going I thought I was fucking them by not showing up like I was supposed to but once again in the end enough was enough. Ever since 2008 I haven’t even tried to do the right thing I would just give up, give up trying to find a job or if I had a job I would fuck it up, do you see a pattern here. Based on the way my childhood was it turned me into a person that cannot be trusted, it split my mind wide open and into many different parts, and on top of that was the fear it was real you could feel it I can still feel it and I shouldn’t, I am scared, I am not strong I get my strength from others and not from within. And yet I do have to talk about my recent troubles because they are the same ones I have been dealing with all my life the fear that things are going good and that they will somehow get fucked up and guess what I did it before anyone else could, I cheated, I left, I ran in some cases and in the end enough was enough. Like I said before I don’t expect any understanding because I can hardly understand it myself. I found a person that created a safe place for me to start going through some of the emotions that I was having, it wasn’t easy and it did hurt the both of us but I was moving forward, not anymore I pushed myself right back into that little scared boy that needs to be held and told that it is ok to stop running, it is ok not to be scared. And yes I fucked it up before anyone else could do it; I force everyone who has ever loved me to go away. I want the cycle to end but it is always turning in my mind never ending and never to be trusted again by anyone. I have DID and I have 4 distinct personalities living inside my head, I have PTSD and flinch when you get to near or I pull away when you want to get close, fear that is what it is fear, I am depressed it is all a bit overwhelming if you ask me, I have anxiety once again it all gets a little overwhelming. This is the man I am and Rome wasn’t built in a day so trying to heal me won’t happen overnight. I wish that it could be that way but it isn’t, in the end enough is enough, I have hurt the people I most love in this life…..

With much love and devotion,

Dan Kline (I think)


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