Here I am in real life, LOST…..

Things have and are moving on for me, I am still here, I am still alive (I think), my heart is beating, my mind is working and I still have feelings (some). I have changed, I wish that I could really show all of you exactly how and what I have changed because explaining it still confuses me, yes I still get depressed, angry and even still have rages, but it is different it now is about things that I cannot really control, like I actually had control before, no it is about issues and outside influences that I seem to be having emotions about. Everyday things like traffic, not having or being able to find a job. And yes the fact that it seems my wife has moved on to another man, but am I not supposed to be upset about all of these things? Don’t I have the right to be mad? I think that I do.

Some of you wonder if I still talk to myself if I have others in my head, well yes I don’t think they will ever go away, they are me and I am them. Do I think about killing myself, yes? But I liken it to a drug addiction, a drug addict thinks about drugs and makes a choice everyday about whether he will take them or not, well the same goes for me and killing myself, I think about it every day and I make the choice to live no matter what this life is throwing at me right now. Life is really too big for me right now, and I have to learn to live with it, I will not allow myself another choice. I hang on, I am a fighter because the other choice is death, and that is not a choice or an answer to my problems.

I quit writing because it was not because I didn’t have anything to say but because I needed the time to find out a little more about how I was changed, and what had changed. I am still struggling just like the rest of you, but it is not an uphill climb anymore; I am no longer a lab rat for the docs to experiment on, and still no head meds and I think that is part of the difference. I feel like I am in control, well that is also false none of us are really in control of ourselves I base that off the decisions I make and the reactions to the events in my life. Control it is funny to think that I may be in control of my life I mean really if I was I would still be with my wife and son, I would be working in a real job, driving my own car, paying my own way and thinking of how I want to spend the rest of my life not wondering does she still love me, or will I ever find love again, how will I eat next week, or how will I get to my next doctor’s appointment, or will Richard kick me out if and when he gets back together with Mary Susan?

Loneliness, that is the real problem for me, I am lonely…..


One Response to “Here I am in real life, LOST…..”

  1. You may feel like you are lost or you have lost your way, but God is still watching over you. I hope your anxiety and depression lift enough to see how much others care about you.

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