What no one wants to know…..


This is what you have, nothing

This is what you have, nothing

I want to be so mean, I want to yell shout and rage at everyone. I understand the way things are, I understand that it is wrong but tell me, please tell me that what you are doing is right that you can go from being who you were to the person you are now. It does matter, it does hurt, and it does wound and never scar and heal. To really go from what was and what could be to this, this person who you say you know better than me and yet you haven’t seen him since fifth grade, to this person who you say you already love. Me I know it is me, I cannot believe that you didn’t see me, I cannot believe that you didn’t try. I was what I needed to be, I am a different person, but I am still angry, hurt and full of despair. You see it is a natural response to the situation that I am in and can do nothing about. It doesn’t matter how much I have changed or even the reasons why, I even told you, and yet not once did you even listen, yes you were there in the same room as me, but you were still looking and listening for the old me and it seems that, that is only what you want to see or hear, it is the only thing you see or hear. Could you ever see the real me, no and do you now get the chance to see the real me, no. All you get is what you see and hear the anger, the words of hurt, and the disappointment of never knowing. Yes I want to scream in your face and tell you that what is happening is wrong, will that matter. Only in the point that is what you remember about me, it is what you expect. You would be wrong even though you think I am being hurtful, angry even today, for some it would seem that I am having a primal reaction to what is going on, yes once you were mine and we were in love and loved each other, now another has encroached into my perceived territory and it has set off all kinds of warnings, anger and hurt. I know what you would say if you actually read this, you would say it is all water under the bridge, I have been hurt too much. But you see another has had this primal reaction of the same sort he thinks I am encroaching on his territory and it has set off all kinds of triggers for him also, so you see it is like this, two alpha males squaring off in the Serengeti and circling one another looking for weaknesses, I have none, and all I see in this other is weakness, lies and fear. You see it is very clear, crystal even, but can you see, no. It is done I will go off in search of better, more able opponent; this one is not worth my attention. I have never and will not threaten this man, I have and will never lay a hand on this man he is not worthy, he is weak and afraid. One day this will turn around on you, I pray that this never happens to you again, but when it does and it will what will you do?

Will I be nice to you even though you have created more hurt for me in the last week than I have had in a very long time, no? Will I take comfort knowing that this will fall apart like a rotten log, no. I will not ever support you again, I will not brace up your scared and fragile psyche again, I will never help you gain the courage and resourcefulness that you have found with me, I will never support you to once more stand up for yourself and tell the world that you will not take this anymore. You know what EDGE TO ME…..

To all, this is not very nice nor is it very supportive of the woman who bore my child; it is angry, hurtful and full of revenge. I will not ever let her be the one who gains my love, attention or support, that is for another if they want it. I am hoping that she does. You see she has nothing, nothing to actually say to me that matters, why? Really at this point what could she have to say to me that isn’t going to be hurtful or malicious, she has completely removed me from her life except where Dylan is concerned.

Yes you will say that I was to blame and you know what I am still taking full responsibility for what I have done. Yes what I did was wrong; I will not repeat it again. But look whit your eyes, listen with your ears, feel with your heart and you will see what truly needed to be seen, and that is me…..

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