A small look inside…..


I often sit and ponder the things in my life that have led me to be the person I am and want to be, I can never tell you all of the bad things I have seen on my life because my mind hasn’t yet learned to understand them so how would I be able to explain them to you. I look at the different things I have done in my life, leaving home at 14, doing a lot of self medicating illegally of course, spending 5 out of the 7 days in the week at the bar in my 20’s, finally getting my education, joining the military, getting married for the first time, getting divorced for the first time, falling in love because of a glance back through a door, having a child then having 2 more, getting married for the second time, and well losing my mind seems to be important, ok well my mind was just hiding from me if you really want to know and I have been playing hide and seek with it since. If you look at the list of things I have put here you see a lot of good things right, you might think that I am supposed to be happy with my accomplishments right.

You see I have a problem, I have DID and it seems that some or most of those things in my life were actually not done by me, I mean it was physically me and I know that I (Dan) did do some of those things, but not all of them. I really can’t tell you what part of my aspects or should I say which aspect really did them because I don’t know, it seems that they come out when I least expect it and they do things that I either need to do or they get me into trouble. Not very many people understand this illness or even want to understand it. I have four completely different personalities that live within me at all times, they come and go and do as they, I guess want to do, now if you know anything about DID you would understand that most of the time this is not done with conscious thought, it is a reactive response, wait is that what I really want to call it, this is better it is an automated response like breathing and it is stronger if I am scared or hurt, angry or sad. It depends on the situation as to which of the four different aspects come out you see most of you have met Khayleth and Serena and you all have met Anger but there is another who hides in the background and rarely makes an appearance, and to be honest he and I are just really now getting to know one another he is a small scared little boy who doesn’t come out without a lot of coaxing, he is sitting in the back of my mind right now like he is reading over my shoulder, and he can read, he like me learned at a very young age to read, books were always an escape for me from my problems. I don’t even know his name, and he is not telling me, I don’t think he is really ready or he might be afraid of me, I don’t know which it is.

You see Khayleth is the strong, bold defender of my system. Serena is the mother figure that I never had, and well Anger is just that pure unadulterated rage; let me tell you there is no stopping him when he feels vindicated as he has in the very near past. But this little fellow in the back of my mind, he knows something, he can tell me things I don’t remember or don’t want to remember, so I think that is why he fascinates me so much, I can see his eyes when I lay down at night so full of fear and pain and knowing, I wonder what it is that he has to say. I think in part by writing about him I am inviting him to share with us some of the things he knows. But I also have to say that perhaps he hasn’t come forward for just this reason, I am not ready to know the things he does. He looks lost and seems like he doesn’t know where he is or what he should be doing or even why he is here. I just want to take him in my arms and hold him and let the pain and fear go away so that he will smile and be glad to be here with us, he is beautiful, a beautiful little boy with bright blue eyes and hair so blond that it is almost white, his skin is porcelain white with small perfectly shaped eyebrows and lips that are red and very turned down at the corners like he has never smiled in his entire life, I mentally tell him jokes and show him funny pictures and read comics like when I was a small boy just to try to see if I can get him to smile. Doesn’t work and doesn’t mean I will stop trying, just means I have to try harder than I have been, I will find something that makes him smile. I see his hands they are always at his side and it reminds me a lot of myself at that age because I was always told to keep my hands at my sides at all times unless I was using them, and sometimes I see him sitting on them, another trick of my mind or just another reflection of me as a boy, because also when I was at the dinner table we had to only use one hand and sit on the other so that we would never use the other hand to eat of rest our elbows on the table and it had to be the opposite hand that was dominate so I am right handed so I had to sit on my left hand so I wouldn’t accidently use it. You can see the intelligence in his eyes, you can also see the wariness in there too, measuring each and every move he makes, not that he makes many but they are deliberate and controlled, is this another coincidence or is it just me projecting onto him. You as a child I had to be very deliberate in my movements, always aware of what was happening around me, you never knew what to expect when I was a child and you moved with complete exact movements not being too loud or even too quiet and you knew exactly where my father was at all times, because we were to be seen and not heard, I don’t know if that will make much sense but that was exactly the way it was. This little boy seems to be doing the exact same thing. I have seen his eyes fill with tears but never has he shed a single one, I can feel the emotional backlash of that rolling through me even now and it always makes me cry no matter what. He has been in the front of my mind for several weeks just looking at me with those damn blue eyes, they really look like ice, not from the freezer but actual ice that you see made from nature is it a bit disconcerting to say the least. How much better can I explain him, I can’t I have done my best. I just don’t think I am ready to know what he does; I don’t think I am ready to hear what he has to say. Soon but not yet, or maybe never. So I sit and watch him watch me and wonder at the beauty of this child.

With much love and gratitude,

Dan Kline


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