Never more real than right now…..

Tree of Life

Tree of Life

Damn it what is wrong with me, I really don’t give a shit about white, grey or black. Walking a thin line, ha, I am only fooling myself, yes it sounds great on paper right. I always thought I had some control over whether I lived or died, like it was mine to control. I have no fucking control over my own damn life, there are too many variables for me to be able to know when I will die and by what means. Fuck I keep thinking about it, trying to put a brave front on it for all the world to see, but it is simple, I have no control over my own life or death, the first responders told me that we all should have died in this accident and from what I just saw as we rode by the scene he may have been right, so why all those many times of timid botched suicide attempts. I will tell you why I was too afraid to die, more afraid of that than living with who I am. I have mental problems I don’t know that they are all not flat out lies in their own right, the things done to me were real but what about me, self doubt has set in very strongly and it took this incident to make me look at things in a different way or light, my father, my mother, my brothers, my wife and my children all of them lost to me or scattered to the four corners of the world, my father and mother dead, I never got to say goodbye to either one of them, my eldest brother far across the ocean, I never even got to know him, my second eldest brother, we hardly talk at all and rarely see each other, yet he lives in Florida. My wife, I can never get her back, too much pain and too many I am sorry for her to ever return to me though I love her with all my fucked up little heart. My children Daniel, William and Dylan. Well Daniel lives in Louisiana and we don’t see each other as often or ever since he left, and talk even less. William lives in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania and I haven’t seen him since he was a toddler and yet I think I have his correct phone number but I am afraid that he will reject me if I even try to call. Dylan is my light and life, he loves me no matter how fucked up I am and I feel I don’t deserve that love, but I see him as much as I can. So how do I change the fear into courage, I want to tell every one of these people how much I love them, that I want to get to know them, that I miss them. It is a simple idea I call or visit them, but for the fear I would. This is what has happened to me from one moment of time one clear vision that I don’t control my life, it is controlled by another and when it is time for me to leave this earth that other will do what needs to be done. Just wish I could put all that fear in a bottle and bury it in the earth and never have it again. Give me the strength to fix all the wrongs done by me in my past and never allow me to do the same things again in my life time…..

With much love and gratitude,

Dan Kline


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