Some old things, some new things and a wish for all of you…..

I do know that among the other things I am dealing with today that this is a bit stupid, I was cleaning out the bag I use to carry my things in when we go out to plow snow I came across a letter that I wrote to Gerri while in the hospital, it was written with a green marker of all things, you take what you can while in there and do the best that you can, now why am I putting it out here well because, well I don’t really know. I do understand that it makes no difference in the way she feels but I am going to do it anyway.

Funny I am writing this with a green marker in the hospital, I will put this on my blog later. When I called you earlier and asked if you loved me you said I will always love you, not I love you; you put it in the past tense. So I wanted to tell you where I failed to keep our love alive to survive. I failed you by not saying it; I failed you by not showing it. I had stopped doing all those little things that made you know I loved you. I stopped kissing you; these are just some of the ways I failed in our love. I am not asking that you take me back, and if you feel that what we had cannot be saved then divorce me. But I also remembered some of the things I do love about you, your smile. I mean when you really smile and your eyes light up. The way your hair only goes grey in the middle of the part in your hair. The sound of you laughing, watching you put on your make up, the smell of the face powder you are forever out of, the turban look when you step out of the bath body still wet and hair wrapped in a towel to dry. The way the bath towel plays peek-a-boo with your butt, lol. This is mine to say about you, I am asking nothing in return from this, I just thought you should know where I failed you.

This was at the last stopping point in my journey with the hospital system. I have not been back since and to me that is a great accomplishment in and of itself. I am no longer that person anymore, now I am not saying that I will never need the hospital again, hell sometimes it is safer in there than out here, in there they all understand and are all in the business of helping me and focusing on me to see me make it out here in the real world. I often wonder if I shouldn’t just check myself in and never leave again, but that means I have failed myself and I am not there at this point in my life.

A part of me left today it was an important part of me and yes I am having a hard time with it, but I lived without that part for a long time, can that part of me live without me? Well it is a part of me and even if it has its own mind it will eventually come back to us, I should say us because we are a whole, separate but the same. It took me well over two hours and a call to my therapist to get my system under control all of them were screaming and running around literally in my head looking for the little boy with the big blue eyes, Serena, Khayleth and even Anger were in turmoil, they don’t understand why he left or is hiding, none of us even had a clue as to why he went an hid, we did check pretty far into the recesses of my mind behind a lot of doors but as we got further in the fear came so we went back to the places we felt safe again. We talked and talked again, boy if I didn’t know me this would sound like an insane man but I am not insane just fractured, with the help of Brenda or therapist we all calmed down and realized that the little boy will eventually return, in the mean time we needed to be calm and understanding of each other, I think when he sees that we are calm and miss him he will return. I think his first time allowing himself to be heard scared him. It scared me too, but if we are all not heard in some way, if we don’t tell the things that make us afraid then we internalize them and that causes all the things that made us the way we are right now. We are all that small frightened little boy looking for someone to hold us, to tell us that we are loved, to have someone tell us we will be alright, that the monsters in our life will not harm us. This is my wish to all of you, that you have someone to do all those things that make you feel safe and loved, this is what I wish for you.

With much love and gratitude,

Daniel Kline


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