the story goes on…..

It is not that I don’t want to go into details about the actual brutality of the things I went through as a child; I know that you are smart enough and old enough to understand the complexities of those events. It actually hurts me more to recall them than it would to actually explain them.

In 1981 my parents finally divorced and we moved again as usual, but to say that the abuse both physical and emotional continued would be to tell the truth. If was always there always with a different man or boyfriend and trust me there were many in those years after the divorce, hell there were many before the divorce. My mother became a drunk and a drug addict in this time and well I have a feeling she was before even when she was married to my dad. Once again I went through beatings, broken arms, legs and collar bones; I went through emotional turmoil due to the fact that I was never taken care of except by my brother. I sometimes feel that if it weren’t for David I would have ended up in a worse position than I am in now. God Dylan if you only knew how many men she went through and the things she did, like leaving me and David alone while she went states away just for a man, leaving two young children alone to fend for themselves with no adult supervision.

I was fourteen when I finally left home, I could no longer live that kind of life, you see I was in fear for my life and in reality I was in fear for the next person who tried or actually succeeded in hurting me. I had to go don’t you see, if I didn’t I was going to either end up dead or in jail for killing the next person who hurt me, I just couldn’t take it anymore, fourteen is only one year away from where you are at right now. I had to lie to people to get a job, I know in my mind that they knew I was younger than I really was but somehow someway they gave me the job and I supported myself, I lived in an apartment, I rode my bike to work or was picked up by one of the guys. I was doing what most adults in this world cannot do for themselves right now at fourteen. No one understands that, they think I am telling a lie or just taking years off that I was actually older than that. This is the truth Dylan the plain simple truth. I moved a lot, took off and went to different states for no reason at all other than the sudden urge to leave, I could tell you it was random but I could feel it the fear creeping up on me so I had to go. Am I over that now? I can tell you that yes I am, I do not even want to move to another house anymore. Do I still get that feeling, yes I do but I know what it is now as to before I didn’t know what it was. The next time I saw my mother she was moving to New Mexico, so somehow she talked me into to going with her reenrolling in school and I got to the 12th grade but I had to go again, this is the time that I moved to Kentucky, I was done, I was no longer in constant fear because I was as big then as I am now, 6’-2” tall and well if I didn’t weight that much I had learned a lot about protecting myself from Uncle Jack Fortenberry. But you have to understand that even then I still lived with the constant emotional abuse from my own mother, constant verbal harassment and always reminding me and taking me back into the past every time she got drunk or high. So like I said I left again and came to Kentucky. I was here and here was where I was going to stay.

Now I can tell you about my first marriage but it is a moot point the only thing you need to know is that you have a half brother. Jesus I have left out the whole St. Louis time where I met your brother Daniels mother. But that is really not what this story is about.

I will tell you some of the things that happened with your mother, I know you don’t really want to hear them but I am going to tell them anyways. I have done this several times. Fuck it I am not going into it, it doesn’t matter I don’t exist to her anymore by my own wishes.

The things I have told you the fears, and personality traits I learned over a life time of abuse and learning how to make myself as small as I can I this world so as to not be noticed have changed, I no longer want to run, I no longer want to hide who I am  or the things that has happened to me, I think that your mother has never understood any of these things I have ever told her, I don’t think she understands why I was the man I was.  I know a lot of people have had very rough lives, some worst than mine, but I am not going to be that person anymore, and I think that the things that happened between your mother are not totally true, I have told my part on that but like I have said I don’t think she is telling me the whole truth on a lot of things. She will tell you that she is and you can believe her if you want, I will not believe her until she comes clean, I will never go to a joint session with her and you, not because of you but because of the feelings I now harbor for her at this time in my life.

I will still tell things as they come to me.

Tell me what you think.

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