What the hell…..

bomb1I have often wished that I could record some of the inner dialogue that happens inside my own head, that would be great but technology hasn’t evolved to that point yet. So I type, and I find that my inner dialogue is completely insane take for instance Sunday afternoon, I don’t know where it comes from and I don’t seem to be able to control it, I started thinking about dying, yes about killing myself. Now I do have thoughts of suicide every day, I often wonder if this life is even worth living. But I always seem to move just beyond it with no more than a thought, except for Sunday. It came on me like a sudden dark cloud out of a clear blue sky, no warnings, and no thoughts to incite it. But I was there and I thought about it not forming a plan or even enacting it but thinking about it none the less. I hovered around the idea, hinting at ways to actually do it, would I take the cowards way and slip silently into the darkness by taking a hand full of Xanax, would I be more straight forward and cut my wrists in a more classic way, or perhaps even better and insert the knife between the bones of my wrists and slice up towards my elbows completely severing all tendons and veins, I couldn’t do a gun I don’t have one. But there it is the very thoughts forming in my mind. Unbidden, unwelcome thoughts of destruction, self annihilation. You might think that I sound complacent about this even making lite of this, but I assure you that this is probably very close to what is really going on in my mind right now. I don’t take killing myself lightly, it is very serious to me.

As you can tell I did not follow through with this line of thought, it was suddenly different, my mind. It snapped from these thoughts of self destruction to a completely different track, and I have to say that the sudden change in thought processes did send me for a loop, it really to tell the truth freaked me the fuck out. Now what was the other track my mind changed to well it is simple, this week is 4th of July and it is on a Thursday one of the busiest days of my week, and I was thinking that if people were off work and they might be home celebrating perhaps we should move our work schedule up by a day and not do yard work on Thursday. It would take me a long time to explain the routes we do but suffice it to say that on Tuesdays we leave that day open for mulch jobs, bush trimming or if need like this week, it rains and we end up doing Mondays work on the next day. I still do not know what to think of what it is that my mind is trying to tell me but I hope it gets there soon; I am tired of it just exploding like that.

With much love and gratitude,

Dan Kline

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