Ah Christ I lost my words, I wonder if I can find them again?


I sit and I wonder about myself and the direction I am going in, the way I have led my life not just as an adult but in the last few years. I am not sure the things that have been done can be undone, to me, by me as sit and type these words upon this page. I know this person who did these things is not me, I know that the things I have done are wrong, I know I am the wrong that needs to be righted. I am what I have always thought I would never be, the wrong that needs to be righted instead of the right that needed to be wronged. Confused? Don’t be because if you know me you understand what I am saying, you know me as a man, a person, father, brother, son and friend.
I prayed tonight to God to show me the way, to point me in the direction to make this right, to fix me, to become right. I really prayed, not in wishfulness, not in wanting but to understand, to be given just a hint of a direction of what it is that i need to do, what direction I needed to go in. I could feel it, my prayer as it left my mind, grasping, reaching up for answers that I feel only he can provide. All of you who know me, know I am not a religious man, but there has to be something, I want there to be someone out there that can give me guidance, love and compassion that I long for. To comfort me when all I can do is screw up, when everything I touch falls apart in my hands as sand slipping between my fingers and scattering into the winds of neglect, hurt, fear and anger. I know some joy, I have seen it once or twice in my life, I know what is like to win, to work hard to lose and to have to start all over again. I can feel it now this longing inside me reaching as like never before up and out of me like, well I am not sure what it is like because I have never felt it before, this need, this urge, this want to be fixed and to fix all the things I have broken. I wish I could describe the feeling of my skin, tingling , flexing, stretching away from me as if it know s what I need to do, my fingers not knowing yet knowing the right keys to hit as I still hesitate to hit them. I am not scared, I don’t think anyways, because I don’t know what it is that I am supposed to be afraid of? It’s as if anticipation and that feeling when you go fast over a hill have combined. I do not give the feeling justice with my words but it is the best that I can do.

I will not tag this nor give it a category,because I have none for it.

With much gratitude and love,

Dan Kline

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