When I was a kid we had this thing, issue or wrong doing if you will, let’s call it “THE WAITING”. Now I’m sure that this brings to mind all sorts of things so I will explain. As we all know my father was a monster, literally a fucking monster. This waiting came into being from this literal monster. It started out like this, a week maybe, ten days tops my father would do things with us, go places, and teach us really cool stuff. But then at the end of that unspecified time period it would happen, the beatings, the verbal, physical and sexual abuse that comes to mind every time I even say the word father. In the beginning my brother and I were like this is cool Dad is actually doing things with us, he loves us, NO HE DOESN’T. It was a setup, the proverbial waiting for the other shoe to drop and after time we could predict when this would happen and even prolong the inevitable, but in the end it always happened. I didn’t realize that this followed me into my adult life in the form of this. Every time things are going well for me, things are going in a direction that I want, no wrings are done, job fine, wife and kids wonderful. Then I would do it to myself, I would cause the WAITING and I would run, I would get angry at the drop of a pin. In the end it has cost me my marriage. I really didn’t understand what I was doing till after all the fallout that I had caused myself, my wife and my children. But I cannot explain it to them, they don’t want to listen. I didn’t figure it out till my whole world had fallen down, and it still keeps falling. I wanted someone to listen; I wanted the chance to explain. I’m not going to get that because of the WAITING. I don’t wait anymore; I have hopefully changed that part of my life. I don’t run away, I still get scared but I don’t do the things I used to do when it felt like the WAITING. I had to tell someone.


With much love and gratitude,



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