once again my fellows

In this world of new beginnings, New Year to turn around all the things I feel I need to fix. Not only within myself but with my loved ones, my family, I have very few people I call friends. I feel like I am failing miserably at life, at my job, within myself. I thought that this would be a great start to a new beginning this year 2017. But it has placed me once again in the same place I have been my entire life struggle, strife, fear, loss and all of that is just taking place in my head and not in the outside world. I struggle to do the right thing; it never works, so I stop trying. I want my job to truly be mine but I feel I have placed myself into an outsider’s position, not because I don’t love my work or my job and the company I work for but because it is always an up and down situation which I have dealt with not only in my work life but my personal life as well. It never seems to be easy, not that it really should in life or my work.

Honestly, I want to run away and hide from this world again, to slip into the thoughts and personalities in my mind. I feel so unprotected, so alone. But I am afraid to try to reach out because I feel as if no one listens if no one listens then I don’t matter. So what do I do? Do I run away and hide? Or do I slink off like an old dog tired of chasing the ball thrown so many times, and just find a place to lay down and rest, which is something I know nothing about? I have changed, it all has changed again. I am losing again and I don’t have the strength to fight anymore. I just want to rest, but in truth, I want my family, I want to work, I want a life but to a person like me, it is very hard because of the underlying fears and doubts and questions of if I can really do it. So far I haunt dome so very well. I don’t want to lose no more of myself, I don’t want to lose what few things I have left in this life and my sanity is one of them. I told a friend of mine that if I lost any more of these things that I would take one of two choices and I have already mentioned them above. I need to know I matter, I need to know that I can contribute to my own life which I have failed so miserably at that I have pushed almost all the people in my life away from me lest I hurt them. I only have one friend and he is also my mentor. But even he will not be able to cope with the way I am feeling. I’m so alone, in the sense that I don’t know how to interact with anyone other than the people in my mind and right now they are in as much turmoil with the emotions I am feeling that all the can do is be quiet. I know I will lose everything again, I see it coming, loss of personal effects can be replaced and would help to hold on but the loss of my mind again would mean that the walls come crashing down and so do I. I have prayed for guidance, I have prayed for peace. But my dumb ass just can’t seem to let go and let God help me. So I let you know now I am not so very sure how much longer I can hold myself together.

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