IT’S JUST A LITTLE ANGER


My thoughts betray me; no they are not thoughts of death or dying or of walking in the shadows. No, my thoughts are full of anger, but I ask myself what am I angry about? The answers immediately come to mind.

My vehicle is broken down and I can’t get it fixed.

The answer, well you are still able to get to work and the places you need, can’t you and you can work from your little room at the top of the red house?

I live in a boarding house in one small room having to share a bathroom and kitchen with others.

The answer, you have a warm place to sleep, a shower and a place to make food.

I’m not making enough money or getting enough hours at work.

The answer, you have a job, you have a better job than most. Yes, things are hard right now but they could be worse. There are people out there that make a third of what you do and have to live on that. You have a boss that is out daily meeting with people to get you work, it’s a time-consuming process and he has more to do every day owning the company than I do, plus he has a family I don’t.

I think I have finally figured out what I am angry about, and it isn’t a stupendous, spectacular issue but it is one that has plagued me my whole life, what now or even better what’s next. I go through this life looking at all the bad things, thinking all of these dark, dreadful things. But the truth is no one knows what’s next or even what now. I, you, we have no control over this life and we damned sure don’t have any control over what’s next. So I ask myself why be angry at all of those things above if I cannot control them? Because in my messed up, rigid, undisciplined mind I want to have control. But that’s not what’s going to happen; I cannot control things that are uncontrollable. The definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, only the truth is it happens the same way every time. Am I still angry? Yes, I am still angry, but no one is hurting me on purpose, no is trying to take something away from me. If truth be told there are people in my life that actually want to help me and I resist them with all the strength in my body and mind (in which I have considerable strength). The question, why do I do this I cannot tell you. But I need to learn to accept these things which I cannot control, I need to learn to let go and shall we say go with the flow, we all things change on a minute to minute basis. I also need to learn to be grateful and thankful for what I do have instead of being angry over what I do not.

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