Archive for the Alters Category

Here it is…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, Loss, Possible Paranoia, PTSD with tags , , , , , , , , , , on June 26, 2015 by dankline2000

It always seems to amaze me, these thought processes I have. They shift and move flowing from one subject to the next. Never seeming to stand firm on any one thing. I can’t seem to control how the information flows from second to second. I mean I realize I am crazy, I admit it freely but come on cant I just stop and focus for one fucking minute? Whatever seems to be going on in my mind is not very clear, it’s muddy and murky and I don’t seem to be able to hold my thoughts still long enough to even get an idea of what it is. Is it time to take a break, to stop trying and just see what happens? I am not having black outs again, I do seem to be overly agitated. But I can put that down to being so, well almost manic. Up and down, up and down…..

Still me…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, Loss, PTSD with tags , , , , , , , on June 24, 2015 by dankline2000

So I have to look at things in a different light about this change it seems I am making. I have to realize that not only does this change affect us, but also others in my life, i.e. family, friends and yes my loved ones and also my former loved ones. It will effect all of us. But I am also asking myself,,,,,,,,,,,,ah fuck this. Why does it have to be so fucking hard, why can it not be easy. Life used to be easy,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, so what now? I wish that the past would just return. But with that comes its own set of issues.

Dan

Hello, it’s me…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Drug Abuse, Guilt, Loss, Love, ME with tags , , , , , , , , on June 23, 2015 by dankline2000

I believe that there is something happening to my mind. I find that I cannot hear myself, I cannot feel myself. I am afraid that I am breaking up again. The world holds little charm for me again, it’s all just a little too big for me. I am not thinking of ending my life but perhaps my lifestyle. I fear I need to change in order to survive, because you see I cannot go on in the manner in which I have been, constantly shifting personalities like the shuffling of a deck of cards. The lies I tell myself in order to make it from day to day. The constant feeling of having to protect myself, yes I know, all sounds a bit paranoid if you ask us, but I didn’t and I won’t you see because we cannot be trusted to even make sure that all of us don’t come out at once, all in the same place, space and time. Thus we begin again, time to reinvent William Daniel Boyd Kline one more time.

With all my love and gratitude,

Dan  Kline

Only God knows what I am trying to say here…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Drug Abuse with tags , , , , , on September 27, 2014 by dankline2000

You ever get the feeling that no one listens to you? You ever get the feeling that perhaps you aren’t the one who is crazy that it is the rest of the world? Well you might be right, I get that feeling a lot here lately and I have to say when I sit back and view the situation and the people I am around, I seriously question not only my own sanity, which we all know isn’t the best, but the sanity of those around me.

Let me explain, I will start with myself first which I am more than likely to do often. I try for example to have physical and emotional relationships with the opposite sex and well it never goes well. Is it me? Is it the people I am seeing, probably both? You see the last woman I tried to see ended up, really is this important? Do I really want to try to explain? I must because I am writing about it, so here we go. She ended up being a drug user, the bad type like heroine and meth, did I know this when I met her, no. but I did find out real quick. No she didn’t steal from me, but. Damn it is hard to explain if you have ever met an addict they are all different except the need to use, the issue with untruth, the issue of lying. This adds so much stress to my already slightly off balance mind. I just can’t really go into details because while I know about it, I don’t understand. I do understand something controlling your life, such as my mental issues but we are what I would call in cooperation, we work, well that is pretty much it I cannot say I am living a normal life because I am not, I still isolate, get angry, sad, hell all of the emotions I have all the time that are a part of me, us, we. The people I live with, we will go there next. He doesn’t really love her, I am not sure she loves him. He doesn’t want to be alone and she has no place else to go. They don’t trust each other, and it has created an atmosphere of apathy in the house. Can I just say that it affects me greatly, do I move, and do I stay? All of you would probably agree that I should move. But look at this, it’s almost as if I can’t, unexplainable I agree, but I just don’t. My work even seems to be getting weird, we have two departments at work of which I am a project manager of both, the design side and the construction side, too many hats. But we have 4 yes 4 people there including the owner. There is no trust, no communication and well it is getting worse, leave? Well I love what I do for a living and I am damned grateful that I can do it still. Is it hard for me to go to work every day and pretend to be normal, guess what I don’t try to be normal I just am who I am. And well it is working, I don’t know how but it is, a small success for myself I would have to say. No one minds how I am because I can design, draw and build and still be the way I am. They just think I am quirky, but I look around and they are doing the same things I do, talking to inanimate objects like their computer the printer that damned wall stud that is just a little too tight. Yes I am keeping most of me in my head but still, I look around and I ask myself what do all of us have in common? Extreme intelligence? Nope, normal lives? Nope, all men in the same office that have been through traumatic events in our lives based on our own individual experiences? Yes, though they haven’t been through what I have they have been through in their mind traumatic experiences, divorce, death of a loved one, etc…

Now why did I start with you ever get the feeling no one listens to you? Because they don’t, period. I can tell someone something and it just doesn’t hit home till it is too late. I told one woman about kissing me, stupid I know but it was uncomfortable and just gross, I said kissing to me is a form of making love. Agree or disagree I don’t care, but when she was kissing me it was like she was eating an ice cream cone, I know I look vanilla but damn keep that thing under control. You don’t have to cover my face like a dog liking a bone. I won’t explain anymore about kissing but I had to say it. Actually now that I read it, it is funny. But when she says she really likes you and you say I don’t want that tongue all over my face and you patiently explain and show her how to actually kiss and she still does it every time you try to kiss? Well she wasn’t listening. Yes I know this is a silly thing to be saying about not listening but I used this as but an example, hell people no one listens to me about anything, so there you have it, a rant? Hell I don’t know but it is off my chest and that is the point.

With much love and gratitude,

Dan Kline

I don’t have a title for this…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Love, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on July 6, 2014 by dankline2000

It seems as if I go from one end of the spectrum to the other. From feeling somewhat normal to feeling the same way I did when I began this blog. Can I not find a happy medium, a level place in between? I have come to understand that this is the nature of my “mental problems” that this is the way things are going to be, but yet somehow I cannot accept this. I find that my outlook towards things have changed, have skewed somewhat if you will. I have never expected many people to understand my problems with DID, but I will also not hide who I am, the problems I have or who I have become now. Accept me for who I am now or just turn and walk away. I find myself secluded, which I don’t want to be, I find myself withdrawn, which is not a good sign, I find myself angry and unable to cope with certain things that in the past I would have just let go. This is not a grand example but it is one that I am having a problem with. Lying, yes lying or in another sense hiding things from me. I have no secrets; if I did you would not be able to Google my name and find this blog. If you have to hide who you are talking to, hide things from me like social media, texts, etc… Then I cannot trust you, would you trust me if I were not truthful? No one would, I am very open about my issues and to be honest if others don’t like it, don’t try to understand, or just don’t want to understand then all I have to say is good luck and good bye.

I am tired of being angry; I am tired of being alone. I have tried and failed, only to keep trying. I know that part of it is me, but I cannot blame all of it on me, can I? No I cannot blame it all on me. I understand that this is a much different post than what I put out yesterday, but welcome to my world. I figure that I am destined to be alone.

With much gratitude and love,

Dan Kline

Just for this day…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Depression, DID, Fatherhood & Family, Friendship, Love, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on July 5, 2014 by dankline2000

For today I ask just this, to be granted a semblance of peace of mind. To not allow the anger to show, but to let the anger dissipate and be gone from my body, my mind and my soul. To be able to live with myself just the"Today" way I am. To be aware of what it is that I am doing, not only to myself but others. To learn to trust others as I don’t trust but one person now and it isn’t me. To show others that I am fully capable of caring and of doing for others as they have done for me. To be given the chance to love again, to truly feel the love I have felt before.

I want to just be, I am not sure if i understand what that is but I am willing to learn. I want to be calm, open minded and aware. Not closed off, not separated, not in a state of seemingly suspended animation to repeat the same mistakes over and over again. I grow weary of this cycle and wish it to stop.

To take the things I have learned in my life and to pass them on, to show, not to teach for teaching is not something I am capable of doing. To pass on what limited knowledge I have to another, I would like that to be my son, but as he grows older he has to walk his own path, but I would like him to walk that path with some of the things I have shown him along the way. This last week my son worked with me, actually worked with me to achieve a goal set before me and if it were not for him I would not have achieved that goal. To say that I am proud of him is not enough; I have no words to express how pleased I am with him. To see him work at something, to work till his arms ached, his back hurt and he was sore all over. He didn’t quit, he complained very little, but he did not stop till the day’s work was completed, then went back again the very next day and did it all over again. And yet still wants to go with me on Monday to finish the job he helped to start. How to explain or even to express how I feel towards him is impossible. All I can do is show him how much I love him and keep showing him the things that I can.

My work completes me unlike anything I have ever felt before; it starts with an idea, then to a sketch of that idea, then to drawings and construction documents of that idea. Then it goes one step farther and the idea, sketch, construction documents become a reality. To be able to share that with others gives me more pleasure than one can believe. To make an idea a reality for others to see. If I could pass on one thing to my son it would be that, take your ideas and make them a reality for the whole world or even just one person to see. I would pass this along to all of you, life is short, and life is not fair, find something that makes you happy, if it is only the simplest of things grab a hold of it and make it a reality.

 

With much love and gratitude,

Dan Kline

Still the Anger…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, PTSD, Respect, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on May 12, 2014 by dankline2000

Burn_with_Anger_by_McSlitherI do believe that I heard you right this morning when you wondered out loud why God had put me in your life, to what purpose? Was it to be mean and hateful? Was it to hurt with my words? No, lets think of it in a different way, perhaps God put you into my life for a reason. I can name many reasons but this one comes to the fore front of my mind. God put you in my life to teach me patience, tolerance and to be kind again. You have tested me beyond the endurance of my own will and yet you are still there. God did not put me into your life but he put you into mine to show me temperance of will, to look at what my anger was doing to me and to others. I understand what anger is and its consequences, but I am seeing that things and people that are around me are also hurt by my temper and anger. No I don’t think there is one soul on this earth that can understand what I have been through or what I live with daily. But I fear it still, the anger that is, consumes me. I don’t expect anyone to forgive me, nor am asking for anyone to forget. I am just hoping to find a place in the middle.

Sometimes there is blood…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Loss, Love, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on April 25, 2014 by dankline2000

Self Harm and Suicide

Self Harm and Suicide

Life is blood, sometimes it is shed in anger, others is sadness, others in shame, often times blood is shed in love, more often in love through disgrace, lies and dishonesty. Take my blood and know that I love you and always will. You have lost what others in this world desire, you lied, you held back from me things that would have driven another into a rage unable to return from. To you I can no longer stand to be around you, for the things you have done I cannot forgive you. Have no worries I am not angry, but disappointed in you for even entering my life. I cannot return from this, my sacrifice is blood to the Gods to make me back into the shadow I once was. To the ones I love, please forgive me.

This again is a work of fiction…..

Sometimes there is blood.....

Sometimes there is blood…..

Is this memory?

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, Loss, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on April 9, 2014 by dankline2000

My mind races, my heart hammers in my chest, sweat glistens upon my brow,

Are these thoughts and emotions real or imaginary?

I see tan colored buildings; sand is everywhere, is it real or is it make believe?

I hear the shouts of commands, the cries of despair, the screams of the wounded on both sides, the roar of the 50 gunner, the pop, pop of an AK-47, the whoosh and thud of an RPG, the sounds of battle that can hardly be described by my clumsy attempts with words.

The bag on the side of the road, the car that is parked at an odd angle just sitting there, will it trip, will it explode, I just don’t know. That person rushing towards me, will he or she stop, will they just run up and, well I don’t think I can finish that if you don’t mind.

This is the life that we live; it is not safe, it is not sound. Am I crazy? NO.

We survived, that’s what we did, and we came home somehow,

Home is not the same, I see fear, horror and pain on every face, on every street corner.

I also see hope, hope in my child’s eyes, in my lovers eyes, in the eyes of a stranger who shakes my hand with eyes full of respect, gratitude and acceptance.

To quote from a poem by Colonel Daniel K. Cadusky, AUS Retired, I was a soldier, and we will never forget, and we are alive.

Staff Sargent William Kline US Army 1998-2012 Honorably Discharged

Any Suggestions…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Guilt, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on December 16, 2013 by dankline2000

Chaos Symbol

Chaos Symbol

Somehow it seems as though I cannot escape the inevitability that I am not like everyone else, I am different, I am not your average person, and I am different. I no longer think the same as I used to, I no longer react to situations that in the past I have been able to handle. The difference is just this, my mind; my mental issues have changed me to the point that I am not sure how to handle everyday situations. I am trying to return to work, and actually have but it is completely different, and to be sure it is not just me. Even the company that I worked with for 13 years has changed, only two people are the same, the owner and one other that I worked with side by side for many years. This is the place I have always called home but the feelings, the stress; the confusion of what we are doing now is great. It has changed into a design build firm and is no longer just a design firm. You see the problem is this, while I am a project manager for the design side I am also a construction manager, with jobs that need to be done but I have to say that I am actually doing the construction, not managing the projects. This is not new to me I have been doing this for many years, so you ask what is the problem? It is this, it is chaos total and undeniable chaos, I have walked into several projects that have been started by others and well they are not right and it has fallen on my shoulders to get them correct, shoddy construction has all but destroyed one woman’s house, poor time management has pushed another so far out that we are losing money on it. And still yet we have people that are not following the scope of work laid out before them and are apparently doing whatever they want, I feel as if the whole thing is about to explode and all I want to do is help get things back on an even keel, I know I can do this if I can just sit and figure it out. We job hop, by that I mean that instead of concentrating on the scope of work for one project we are jumping from project to project trying to get things done, concentration is lost, moral is lost and the general feeling of not accomplishing a damn thing prevails upon us all. I have loved this company and the man who owns it and feel as if I am becoming a detriment and not a help. I want to concentrate on one thing and get it done but the nature of the beast is thus, we have micro deadlines, certain milestones have to be met in order to get paid. Yes this is unusual, no it is not the way I would normally do things but it has to be this way in order for the company to move forward and prosper. If I said that as a construction manager it is my responsibility to move these things along I would be correct. If I also said that although I can do the construction work it is better to get dedicated sub-contractors to do the actual work, well it isn’t going to happen. It seems that my beloved company has, well developed a certain reputation for not paying the subs, but if I told you that it was government work and that we were working with very small sub-contractors it would be the truth. We get paid a certain way, and the subs get paid as we get paid and in that…… you know what let me get to the heart of the problem, I have been trying to get this older woman’s house fixed, it is a short list but because of the original framing contractor doing shoddy work it has caused many more problems with the house.

I wish that I could but fix what I see,

I wish that I could just take the stress and confusion and leave it out where it needs to be,

I wish that I could be what it is exactly what they need,

I know in my heart that I can do this; I know in my mind that if I continue the way I am that a mental breakdown is inevitable. I know I can do this, I know I can stop the chaos. But I don’t know how, I don’t know how to get the communication flowing from one person to another.

I know that this is not rocket science, it is easy. You see the problem you come up with a game plan and you implement the game plan, if we can get this mind set than I think that we can move forward with much better productivity.

I KNOW I CAN DO THIS I JUST NEED TO GET MY HEAD STRAIGHT LOOK AT THE PROBLEMS ONE AT A TIME AND GET THE COMMUNICATION FLOWING, THE KEY IS COMMUNICATION AND COOPERATION.