Archive for the Drug Abuse Category

Rambling Games…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Drug Abuse, Guilt, Uncategorized on June 4, 2018 by dankline2000

You know you have to wonder just how much the mind can take, I mean really the torture that we or should I say I have put my mind thru is just simply staggering it really is. The thoughts, the constant infighting in my own damned mind even. Once again I am writing from the cuff, just seeing where my thoughts go, so hold on and enjoy the ride. I get it I really do but if the thought process I have been creating is by any means real or even suggested its real then I am totally screwed, so here it is.

 

 

I wonder about the damage that has been caused to my body, mind and nervous system from prolonged Xanax use. I had thought that I could take the medication and not overuse it or underuse it, I was so fucking wrong, so very wrong that I think, no I know that I have hurt myself worse from not taking it. I went to my Doctor and I told him that I was addicted to Xanax and that I wanted to get off it and well he understands. But does he really understand that 24 hours after taking my last dose in the bottle that I start going through withdrawals? Does he understand that Xanax however useful it is, is addictive? I am not sure that he does, because if he did he would……. I mean fuck me I am not sure what I mean, I can’t fucking make sense of anything right now because I feel like shit. I am sweating, I am cold, I don’t sleep right, I don’t eat right. Fuck I just can’t seem to do anything right now that is right. They said it was not habit forming, but what about habit forming for the mind? That small place in my head that tells me that this is the only way to get my mind to shut down. There it is, opioids are habit forming especially when you have been on the short-term drug for so many years that I cant remember when I started taking it. It isn’t too bad for going cold turkey again and again and again. That is where I am at right now. I have failed myself because I know I cannot take the damned shit, I have failed in my life, my work, my family and all of the other things I have failed at in my life. But let me explain why I was taking it, for anxiety, for sleep, to keep me calm. But in the end the damned drug just made me not care while I was on it, nothing really mattered or it could be put off for another time. I don’t pay my bills, I don’t eat, I do sleep as a matter of fact it is easier to just suck down 3 or 4 Xanax and sleep my life away instead of facing the reality I have created for myself. So know what? Well I know I can not take it anymore. So do I get that refill or do I just continue on with the cold turkey bullshit? It has been over a week since my last dose. I am now on Buspar to help with the anxiety but you know what? It barely works….

 

With much love and gratitude,

Dan

Hello, it’s me…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Drug Abuse, Guilt, Loss, Love, ME with tags , , , , , , , , on June 23, 2015 by dankline2000

I believe that there is something happening to my mind. I find that I cannot hear myself, I cannot feel myself. I am afraid that I am breaking up again. The world holds little charm for me again, it’s all just a little too big for me. I am not thinking of ending my life but perhaps my lifestyle. I fear I need to change in order to survive, because you see I cannot go on in the manner in which I have been, constantly shifting personalities like the shuffling of a deck of cards. The lies I tell myself in order to make it from day to day. The constant feeling of having to protect myself, yes I know, all sounds a bit paranoid if you ask us, but I didn’t and I won’t you see because we cannot be trusted to even make sure that all of us don’t come out at once, all in the same place, space and time. Thus we begin again, time to reinvent William Daniel Boyd Kline one more time.

With all my love and gratitude,

Dan  Kline

Only God knows what I am trying to say here…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Drug Abuse with tags , , , , , on September 27, 2014 by dankline2000

You ever get the feeling that no one listens to you? You ever get the feeling that perhaps you aren’t the one who is crazy that it is the rest of the world? Well you might be right, I get that feeling a lot here lately and I have to say when I sit back and view the situation and the people I am around, I seriously question not only my own sanity, which we all know isn’t the best, but the sanity of those around me.

Let me explain, I will start with myself first which I am more than likely to do often. I try for example to have physical and emotional relationships with the opposite sex and well it never goes well. Is it me? Is it the people I am seeing, probably both? You see the last woman I tried to see ended up, really is this important? Do I really want to try to explain? I must because I am writing about it, so here we go. She ended up being a drug user, the bad type like heroine and meth, did I know this when I met her, no. but I did find out real quick. No she didn’t steal from me, but. Damn it is hard to explain if you have ever met an addict they are all different except the need to use, the issue with untruth, the issue of lying. This adds so much stress to my already slightly off balance mind. I just can’t really go into details because while I know about it, I don’t understand. I do understand something controlling your life, such as my mental issues but we are what I would call in cooperation, we work, well that is pretty much it I cannot say I am living a normal life because I am not, I still isolate, get angry, sad, hell all of the emotions I have all the time that are a part of me, us, we. The people I live with, we will go there next. He doesn’t really love her, I am not sure she loves him. He doesn’t want to be alone and she has no place else to go. They don’t trust each other, and it has created an atmosphere of apathy in the house. Can I just say that it affects me greatly, do I move, and do I stay? All of you would probably agree that I should move. But look at this, it’s almost as if I can’t, unexplainable I agree, but I just don’t. My work even seems to be getting weird, we have two departments at work of which I am a project manager of both, the design side and the construction side, too many hats. But we have 4 yes 4 people there including the owner. There is no trust, no communication and well it is getting worse, leave? Well I love what I do for a living and I am damned grateful that I can do it still. Is it hard for me to go to work every day and pretend to be normal, guess what I don’t try to be normal I just am who I am. And well it is working, I don’t know how but it is, a small success for myself I would have to say. No one minds how I am because I can design, draw and build and still be the way I am. They just think I am quirky, but I look around and they are doing the same things I do, talking to inanimate objects like their computer the printer that damned wall stud that is just a little too tight. Yes I am keeping most of me in my head but still, I look around and I ask myself what do all of us have in common? Extreme intelligence? Nope, normal lives? Nope, all men in the same office that have been through traumatic events in our lives based on our own individual experiences? Yes, though they haven’t been through what I have they have been through in their mind traumatic experiences, divorce, death of a loved one, etc…

Now why did I start with you ever get the feeling no one listens to you? Because they don’t, period. I can tell someone something and it just doesn’t hit home till it is too late. I told one woman about kissing me, stupid I know but it was uncomfortable and just gross, I said kissing to me is a form of making love. Agree or disagree I don’t care, but when she was kissing me it was like she was eating an ice cream cone, I know I look vanilla but damn keep that thing under control. You don’t have to cover my face like a dog liking a bone. I won’t explain anymore about kissing but I had to say it. Actually now that I read it, it is funny. But when she says she really likes you and you say I don’t want that tongue all over my face and you patiently explain and show her how to actually kiss and she still does it every time you try to kiss? Well she wasn’t listening. Yes I know this is a silly thing to be saying about not listening but I used this as but an example, hell people no one listens to me about anything, so there you have it, a rant? Hell I don’t know but it is off my chest and that is the point.

With much love and gratitude,

Dan Kline

Never ending…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Drug Abuse, Guilt, Loss, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on September 2, 2013 by dankline2000

broken-heart-by-lucaszoltowskiI love you, not just parts of you but all of you. I need you like the ground needs rain. I don’t want pieces of time I want all of the time. I want to fall asleep in your arms, to wake with you snuggled in my embrace. I want to wake in the middle of the night to hear you breathe. I want to kiss your lips, inhale the heady scent of you, to run my fingers across the outlines of your face, to trace small circles upon your back as we lay together in companionable silence just looking into each other’s eyes. i want to see the crinkle in your nose as you smile.

You take away my fears, my pain all of the things that scare me and replace them with hope, love and joy. I can only tell you these things that are the truth and hope that someday you will realize that I can never stop loving you. I have let you once again slip through my fingers, indecision begets regrets. Can you not feel me? Can you not hear the loss in my words? Can you not be with me? Always and forever you are my one and only, never to be mine completely. Something, someone always stands between us and it is slowly killing me. You spoke the words I have waited to hear for oh so very long, yet you still cannot be with me.

I don’t regret my love for you, I don’t regret any of the things I have said and done. There are things that even I cannot compete with. Remember I am but a man, scared, hurt, lonely and lost. With your touch, the very look from your beautiful eyes takes all that away. You mean so much to me; you have taken all those things away and made me a stronger man than I was. I would do the same if only you would let me, I would be your strength, and I would be your courage. But for one chance would I make you happy, but for reasons I cannot seem to understand you still will not be mine.

With much love and gratitude,

Dan Kline

In the Life of me…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Drug Abuse, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on September 9, 2012 by dankline2000

Another day just like the last, and the ones before that. Wake in the morning 8am take pills, get something to drink, wander about the house telling all good morning. Go to the bathroom, walk back into room sit on edge of my bed and wonder how did I end up like this. Turn and sit on bed grab computer look at it for several minutes in hope that it might contain the answers to how I got this way. Hit the space bar and wander around the net looking for something, anything to occupy my mind with, books, movies, comics whatever, this is all part of a routine that I have become. I check my emails, read from several different blogs that I have subscribed to, post on some like on others. Listen for my wife in case she needs me, cruise the internet some more hoping to come across something that will catch my mind’s eye, nothing most of the time. I don’t even want to write anymore I can’t get my brain to function like that anymore. It is the sameness of it all that is killing me slowly, what can I do to change up my life, make it more interesting? It is a question I ask myself several times a day. The biggest problem I have in this life is boredom, the lack of means to do anything at all, am I doomed to live like this for the rest of my days. If so I should just end it now and release the boredom from my life, hell I am even to bored to do that, it doesn’t appeal to me.

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

Chemical Blinders…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Drug Abuse, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on September 8, 2012 by dankline2000

It grows old the feeling that I have, the ripping, tearing, blood pounding mind numbing sameness of it all, does it ever change? Will this be the rest of my life? I don’t like it, I don’t want it, and I don’t care anymore. I am a rat kept in a perpetual maze looking for the cheese to show me the way out, turn left not right, go straight ahead, turn right instead of left, every day the same routine, wait for the bell in order to take your pills, eat once a day whether you want to or not.

What I have is a feeling of nothing anymore, lack of anger, sadness, fear, laughter, life is the same and I blame the pills, I blame the times I spent in the hospital, I blame the Doctors that prescribed the medication in the first place. It has taken from me the things that make me different from all others, this lack of true emotion, and a state of mind. I can’t even rage against the fact that I feel this way that has been taken away from me as well. I can’t marvel at the world around me, I walk with chemical blinders on the sides of my head eyes only forward going nowhere and doing nothing.

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline

Again I have no title for this…..

Posted in Alters, Anger, Anxiety, Depression, DID, Drug Abuse, PTSD, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on September 6, 2012 by dankline2000

The search, it is all we have to find a better state of mind to function as a whole, but ever searching for the source or the cure if you will, each in our own way tries to find it, whether it is chemical, physical or spiritual, we still keep searching. What happens if we just stop searching and let the answer come to us instead of always putting forth so much effort in to the search what if what we are looking for is inside each and every one of us? Maybe, just perhaps we are our own cure, it hurt I know form fact that our disease hurts, but is there really a miracle cure? Will the next pill, the next therapy session make any difference? We who are not allowed to sit quietly at rest, who are constantly striving to be what society calls normal, well we aren’t and what is the definition of normal anyway? We hurt, we have many different parts to our minds, we are depressed, and we cut ourselves to show that we have some control over ourselves. We hide ourselves away from the civilized world when we don’t feel normal, we lay in bed until we feel normal, we don’t even leave the house. Society made us what we are and yet now we don’t correspond to what society says is normal, it is not our fault it is theirs. We live, we feel, we bleed and yet we are wrong for the way we are, I know that what I am is not right but I am at a point where I have stopped trying to conform to what society says is right, they say it isn’t right to have more than one personality in my head, well don’t people talk to themselves all the time? They say it isn’t right that I sleep for days at a time, I am depressed they say, ok so what is wrong with being depressed? I don’t feel the need to go out and live in your place in this world I want to live in mine, so I don’t get out of bed or leave the house for a few days, it is my right it helps me and yes there might be a time that it may go overboard but by whose standard? Yours or mine? Cutting is it really necessary to show myself that I am in control of me? No it is actually a way to show you that I am in control of me, if I can cut myself that means I can control what happens to me. They have put me on so many different medications I have to wonder if what is wrong with me is a side effect of the medications that I am taking, listen to this, most anti depressants cause depression, anti anxiety medications after prolonged use cause anxiety. So how do you fix it do you stop all the medications and get back to the point you were before you started this whole fucking mess, well guess what you can’t, we have become dependent on the medications to help us feel like we are almost normal. I have found a sound in my life that I hate more than my life, it is the sound of the alarm that tells me it is time to take another pill, what I am now a trained human, if the bell rings I take a pill. If we stopped doing and taking all the things that they tell us are helping us will we be better or worse? I have tom think of these things, I am a very angry person due to circumstances in my life that made me scared and I don’t do fear very well it transfers to anger and questions which can never be answered, there is no one to answer the questions anymore, so why not just drop it and move on, because I can’t I still want to know why and what the hell for. You see I am me, Dan Kline I cannot help the problems I have because things happened, and that is the end of the story no answers to the questions I have and to be honest I am scared to ask the questions, and I don’t think that I could have handled the answers, I really don’t want to ever go back to that place in my mind that may hold any information about those questions, it is a moot point now, those people are dead and I can’t place blame on them anymore they are or have been judged on their actions and appropriate measures have been taken, I hope. I have to believe they have been made to atone for their sins and indiscretions.

I am who I am and I don’t really give a fuck what society as a whole thinks of me, I no longer want to fit into their round hole and be a circle because I am not I am a square trying to fit into a rectangular hole and by damn I will fit if I only try hard enough that is who I am, I have voices in my head, I get depressed and sometimes sleep for days, sometimes I don’t leave the house for days, now I don’t cut myself but if I did so what, it is my body and my mind and in will do it if it makes me feel in control, yes I can go too far but that is my choice not yours not anyone else’s business but mine, do I want to ne dead, I would be a liar if I said no. Sometimes I do feel like I should be dead and that the people around me would be better off, but I don’t say this because I want to take my life I am just being honest, would have it any other way? What else is there to say I have spun it out for you to read a confession of sorts, more of a rant some will say but here it is in black and white? I just have to wonder if I am not alone in the way I feel, it makes me want to find a little place all to myself and never leave just become the crazy old man that lives in the woods by himself. Well maybe not I would miss not having internet, or flushing toilets and running water, comforts of life if you will. Oh and Diet Pepsi I would miss that most of all. I just want to move on with my life and quit looking backwards for in looking back there are no answers I want to look forward and see what happens next…..

With much gratitude and devotion,

Dan Kline